BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone,  This is my first new topic post and I wasn’t sure which group to post in so perhaps it belongs elsewhere…

I’ve appreciated all the learning I’ve had from reading other posts, many of which really resonate with me.

My husband is undiagnosed BPD/Narcissist.  I tried not to “classify” him for a long time but eventually it has become too obvious to deny.  

We have found a really good marriage counselor, I’ve been re-establishing boundaries and not given in when he tests my limits.  I also have been ending conversations more rather than entertaining endless circular debates.  I find that these changes have improved my state of mind, which is helping me focus on myself after so much time dealing with the manufactured chaos that surrounds my husband.  

Because this counselor is good and he likes her (after several failed attempts where he didn’t like people I picked, I told him that he needed to pick the counselor and his ego requires him to like her since he found her!) we’ve had improved communication more often than we used to but his recurring intolerable behaviors return.  Since we’ve only been in counseling a couple of months I am not convinced this will continue but am great full for the reprieve.  

I’ve read a lot of the literature on this topic and listen to podcasts and the outlook is not optimistic.  I would love to hear your feedback on the following:

1. Everything I read tells me this isn’t going to work out and he’s not going to be able to maintain his less volatile self.  I would be interested in experiences where there have been long term improvements and how you got there.

2. I worry that counseling will be one more way that he will learn my vulnerabilities and exploit them.  Do you have advice for me with our therapy?  

3. I am interested in developing my personal list of tips that people have used to refocus on themselves and make it through the bad days.  For example, here’s one of mine - I use a secure online journal to document my days, which really helps me stay rooted in reality and have the resolve when he starts to try to mess with my mind because I know what has really happened and it gives me a chance to reflect on how much, or in reality how little, I have paid attention to my own needs.  I would be happy to assemble these tips and post them for all.

Interested in your responses.  Thanks for your fellowship.

Hi Day,

Welcome. These are really great questions!  Here are my best try answers.

1. Everything I read tells me this isn’t going to work out and he’s not going to be able to maintain his less volatile self.  I would be interested in experiences where there have been long term improvements and how you got there.

Any therapy requires work. DBT requires much work. It requires commitment beyond just therapist and individual. If  you would like to know more about what is required, I would suggest your read the book DBT Made Simple.  Every situation is different with partners like this. The common thread I would say is the ability to keep trying.- BOTH parties keep trying.

https://www.amazon.ca/DBT-Made-Simple-Step-Step/dp/1608821641/ref=asc_df_1608821641?tag=bingshopdesk-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=80195720973144&hvnetw=o&hvqmt=e&hvbmt=be&hvdev=c&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=&hvtargid=pla-4583795275271250&psc=1


2. I worry that counseling will be one more way that he will learn my vulnerabilities and exploit them.  Do you have advice for me with our therapy?

Any couples therapy, regardless of the presence of a mood disorder or not, will involve this dynamic. Power imbalances are always a risk and so, therapy should be an exercise in equality of vulnerability, respect for each others boundaries. Remember that equal does not mean same and at the same time, if your gut tells you that you are doing more of the heavy lifting, then it's time to speak up in therapy. 

3. I am interested in developing my personal list of tips that people have used to refocus on themselves and make it through the bad days.  For example, here’s one of mine - I use a secure online journal to document my days, which really helps me stay rooted in reality and have the resolve when he starts to try to mess with my mind because I know what has really happened and it gives me a chance to reflect on how much, or in reality how little, I have paid attention to my own needs.  I would be happy to assemble these tips and post them for all.

That is a great tool. And since I came out of an abusive relationship that needed to end, I am going to defer on this one. Because these tools I used to prevent myself from going back into a very volatile situation

I'd be interested to hear what others have to say.

What are your thoughts and answers to your own questions?

Hang in there and good luck!

Rev

For me:
- Keeping a journal is good. Also for the sake of statistics. Makes you feel like a private detective in your own life.
- Talking to a mental health professional without pwBPDs knowledge is really good.
- Writing here on this forum is even better.
- Listening to audio books / reading.

For me, I kind of have to live through the guilt from sharing with other people and thus breaking the loyalty (FOG - fear, obligation, guilt). A very important factor for me is time. I think development works in steps:
1. distress over something
2. sharing/processing/making changes
3. backlash from sharing/processing/making changes
(repeating step 2 and 3 if necessary, approaching it from different angles)
4. seeing the issue that caused distress in a new light
5. later looking back at what caused the distress, almost not recognizing why it caused so much distress.

The pace of the development depends on how serious the issue is.

The first few months I had major guilty feelings from sharing on this forum. Now, I only feel that guilt occasionally and not that strongly. Same with therapy. Same with changes I try to make (not many yet).