BPDFamily.com

I have read many books, listened to podcasts, talked TOO much with people.  Most therapists in my area are not able to help me, as their advice is juvenile.

I spent my life trying to elicit love and acceptance from a family with a BPD power structure that places me at the lowest rung of its strange hierarchy and the mother at the top.  I can do nothing right, every aspect of my existence is criticized, blah blah. 

Now I am seeing the maneuvers that kept me at arms length where I begged for love and have been played time and again.

The process of being ostracized for taking a stand and challenging stunningly immature behavior is painful.  Yet I am relieved to have finally called bullPLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) on a matriarch who has been underhanded in myriad ways.

Reading posts helps me feel less alone and I appreciate the site because my family follows the BPD mother's orders which means casting aspersions on me for not abiding to her bizarre ideas and ever changing rules that serve her.

Welcome to the forum Frustrated!

And yes... I'd say being frustrated is most likely an euphemism at this point, I was personally, and still sometimes feel completely enraged !   :(

But then again, we only have power on ourselves. I cannot change my mother, she cannot even change herself. Radical acceptance is the only thing that truly made sense for me, and from that point on, I was able to see, more clearly, where my power truly lies and to act accordingly.

I found I can choose not to stay in contact with my mother, and I went no contact. Truthfully, I don't like my mother and don't enjoy her company. And I realized I do not have to like her... She was not a mother to me, not in the sense that matters anyway.

Fighting her (and myself to have a relationship with her) was useless and resulted in a loss of energy and deep ruminating. Cutting contact gave me space to heal and observe myself. Now... I am a month of official no contact in, and 6 months of very low contact to no contact (non-official), and I feel better... I am slowly regaining my sanity and power. There was anger, there was depression, but now, I find there is more and more serenity and acceptance of it all.

Are you still in contact with your mother?
What advice appeared juvenile to you? I am curious of what you tried, but found not helpful?

Can you expound upon this? Where, specifically, are you struggling to "serve?" This sounds like BPD Queen behavior, with you as her "subject."