BPDFamily.com

Thank you for this incredible resource. It feels like I am finally seeing some light in all the chaos and hurt I’ve been going through. I will try keep it short. I was in a very unhappy marriage my ex husband cheated on me frequently and I eventually asked to separate and met a very special man. He was everything my ex wasn’t, attentive, passionate, exciting and he adored me. He helped me and my children through some difficult times, he was kind and really generous to us.

The problem was because I was still getting over my marriage this new guy became very jealous. At first I thought it was flattering but then it became very bad. He would search my phone, become very paranoid and really unstable. We broke up but tried again and again he just doesn’t cope with his jealousy, he gets angry and sees me as a really ‘bad’ person one minute and the next minute he doesn’t. He looks and talks to me some days like he can’t stand me and I’m evil and the next day he loves me.

A random guy liked one of my social media posts and he reacted by telling me he doesn’t want to have sex with me anymore. I just couldn’t cope with him pushing me away so I eventually left and demanded no contact as I was not coping with his harsh hot and cold behaviours. The problem is I love him deeply and I want to help him, having read this information about BPD it is so spot on and I’m feeling guilty too because I just thought he was being difficult but he has all the traits of this disorder. At the moment he wants nothing to do with me, in the splitting phase I suppose.

I want to know how I can get him to trust me again, I want to get back into his life but this time to support him with more compassion for what he is going through. He is a beautiful soul deep down, how do I help him out this splitting cycle and how can I get him to see I am on his side? I really want to be with him, I feel I have more tools to cope with him now that I am learning more about his mental health

People with BPD (pwBPD) can be incredibly charming and considerate at the beginning of the relationship (the love bombing phase), however that is just a phase where they hope to win your love. Afterwards, things change…unfortunately.


Paranoia and lack of emotional stability are classic signs of BPD.


You are asking lots of questions that come down to: how can I manipulate this guy? That’s a cold, harsh look at what you’re wanting to do. I understand that you want to do it for his benefit, to help him, but how I phrased it in the first sentence in this paragraph is how it will appear to him.

Granted, we all would like to do that with our partners. But it won’t work. Though they have a mental illness, they still have free will. And you’ve already observed a big component of BPD—paranoia. If you start trying to “make him feel” other than the way he feels, you haven’t seen anything yet, regarding paranoia.  red-flag red-flag

What you can do is to make yourself more intriguing and lessen the conflict. Take a look at the Tools at the top of this page. Either he will get out of the splitting phase with you or he won’t. You cannot make it end. What you can do is at some point, suggest a simple date for coffee or a walk and then see what happens.

You shouldn’t have to get him to trust you. You’ve done nothing wrong nor are you worthy of being mistrusted.  BPDs are extraordinary at making their insecurities your problem.

I had a similar experience with my BPD husband early in our relationship and now I look back and kick myself for not seeing it for what it was.  It has taken me many demoralizing and exhausting incidents that have led me to exhaustion to realize that he’s not going to change and no matter what I do in the moments to make it better, he’ll change the rules on me next time to further the chaos and conflict. 

Take care.