BPDFamily.com

Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD => Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD => Topic started by: rockbottommum on June 06, 2022, 06:47:46 AM



Title: First time posting - my daughter has BPD
Post by: rockbottommum on June 06, 2022, 06:47:46 AM
Hi.  I've never posted to a forum like this before, but I am at a complete and utter loss as to what to do next.  My adult (F19) daughter has BPD like traits: I don't know what label to put on it, but I don't know how to help her.  She is absolutely convinced she is always right about everything.  If you disagree (and it doesn't matter how gently or tactfully you might challenge her thoughts or express your disagreement) she takes this as a personal attack and then lets us have it with both barrels.  I am trying so hard to help her, but she refuses point blank to accept that anything can or should be done.  No one can communicate honestly with her - I am afraid of her anger, and my husband has all but given up trying.  Please help me feel not so alone :(


Title: Re: First time posting - my daughter has BPD
Post by: kells76 on June 06, 2022, 10:20:03 AM
Hi rockbottom mum, welcome to the group. This is the right place for parents like you who are at the end of their rope dealing with a child with BPD and/or BPD-type traits and behaviors, which are exhausting at best  :(

So much of what you posted will be so, so familiar to other members here:

Excerpt
She is absolutely convinced she is always right about everything.

Yes, she cannot ever be wrong...

Excerpt
If you disagree (and it doesn't matter how gently or tactfully you might challenge her thoughts or express your disagreement) she takes this as a personal attack and then lets us have it with both barrels.

Yup, disagreement isn't just a difference of opinion...

Excerpt
I am trying so hard to help her, but she refuses point blank to accept that anything can or should be done

And yes, the problem isn't her.

All so relatable.

Can I ask, as she's 19, is she still living at home? Do you have any other kids, and are they living at home? That can be a factor in figuring out what to do next.

And tell me more about you learning about BPD. If I'm hearing you right, your D19 doesn't have a diagnosis, yet you did some digging and it all seems to fit? That's perfectly fine here! There's no need for the person in your life to have a diagnosis of BPD. What we deal with here are the traits and behaviors, no matter what. The person in my life with BPD type traits is my husband's kids' mom, and as far as I know she doesn't have a diagnosis, but that's really irrelevant when dealing with her blame, pettiness, manipulation, and irresponsibility. We're all here because we've been in your shoes of being at a loss as to what to do next. Rest assured this is a place where it's safe to talk through your own values and beliefs, so you can figure out how you and your H can stay strong, stay on the same page, and be true to your values, even if "normal" parents would disagree with how you proceed.

I don't think you can "normal parent" a child with BPD. Dealing with a pwBPD of any age and any relationship requires some pretty non-intuitive skills and tools. Fortunately, it's possible just through the changes we make, that we have control over, to have a "less worse" relationship with a pwBPD, even if they don't do anything different themselves. So, again, you're in the right place.

I'll wrap this up and wait to hear more from you. Hope you get some relaxation this week;

kells76


Title: Re: First time posting - my daughter has BPD
Post by: beatricex on June 29, 2022, 07:21:45 PM
hi rockbottom,
hi and welcome, you're not alone. 

honesty might be a curse for us with high conflict adult children, afterall they hate they're not being honest with themselves.

it is non intuitive how to deal with it, take breaks when you need to, come here for relating to others who "get it", and always always remember you tried your best

 :hug:
b