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I'm still in the "firsts" of going NC. This day feels triggering, and I've been feeling it all month as today approached. Her birthday is more triggering than Mothers Day, for some reason. I think I've always hated Mothers Day, so it was just a relief to not have to deal with it this year. I can't quite pinpoint why I've felt so anxious over her birthday.

I know she won't be expecting anything from me, because I stayed silent for Mothers Day as well as for my two siblings' birthdays that have come and gone in the past couple months (I'm currently NC with my whole FOO). Ignoring their birthdays was heartbreaking too. I never wanted any of this.

A simple sentence, yet it struck me right in the gut. I never wanted any of this either.

My mother's birthday is fast approaching too... But my daughter's birthday is just one week prior to it, so I can "fly" from one to another in my mind, and try not to think too much about it. It is very triggering for me as well.

Mother's day was never truly important in our family. Just not something we celebrated. Even for I, my husband does nothing, nor do I encourage him to.

But yeah.. their birthday.. I was always the one who had to organize it. My brothers would task me to... cook a brunch, the cake, find the perfect gift for her, etc. I didn't really want to, if I am perfectly honest, it was a chore, because no matter what I'd do, I'd always feel she didn't truly appreciated it somehow. It was "due" for her.

But like you said : we never wanted any of this... In a way, they pushed us away. And yes, maybe we could have found ways to make it work(ish), but at what cost, truly? And I have given so much of my life, of my time, to my mother, and I lost so much of it because of her...

These present days are mine.

From my heart to yours : I get it. And I hope today you took some or will take (not sure about your time zone right now) extra care of yourself.

 :hug:

Do you feel it's because of how she's behaved in the past, or what you feel as an obligation? Or maybe that you just miss a connection that isn't currently there or possible?