BPDFamily.com

Hello, I am 2 days out from a split with my ex. She told me in the beginning that she had symptoms of BPD, and I learned about it so I could be informed. Everything was so good - I had never experienced deeper emotional connection, never had more vulnerability, never had such unbelievably honest/direct/clear/compassionate communication. I was (am) so in love with this woman. She knew all of me. Literally all of me.

There was a very stressful event that came up last week - a doctor appointment that was more serious than she expected. She says she had this moment in the doctor office when she thought, "I don't want my partner here." And she all of a sudden had this feeling that she needed to end things. In the days following, she was so cold towards me - 1 word answers, barely any eye contact...it was so opposite of how we treated each other during the last year.

She also brought up that she felt that our vulnerability levels were not equal, and she felt like I didn't trust her. And because of this she knew she couldn't trust me.  She didn't tell me anything about her hurt until almost 2 months after she started feeling this way. I just kept telling her "I wish I had known how you felt sooner." She never gave me any inclination that she felt this way. We talked this through, and she said she felt SO much better about us, and that this was a turning point in our relationship.

A few days later she ended things. She says she knows she can't give me what I deserve, what I need. That she's grown so much resentment towards me, she now gets annoyed with me often, and acts mean to me because of it, and I don't deserve that. She says she doesn't like who she is when she's mean to me, and that I deserve a partner that treats me like a human.

The thing is, I rarely felt like she was "mean" to me - no more so than annoyances that come up in any relationship. I felt so connected to her & cared for by her. And she said the same things back, so genuinely. We talked about how happy we were & how we felt like our relationship was on such a good path.

I'm so confused...and utterly heartbroken. How do I make my heart not hurt? :help:

I'm trying to not let myself have any hope of getting back together, and trying to focus on grieving & myself.

I used to be told similar messages. After we had kids, she would leave to hike or run to calm down and then tell me that she was ashamed of how she acted in front of us. The core driver of BPD is internalized shame: "my feelings are worthless and don't matter;  therefore, I'm worthless and don't matter."

This is a hard internal message for us to deal with. Do you want to try to rescue this relationship or are you done?

Today I’m not ready to close the door on that relationship. And also, I really need to figure out if I am emotionally capable of oscillating back & forth with the emotions. I don’t know. I love her so much, but I’m hurting so deeply.

OK, makes sense. You're in the right place, then, to learn and practice some non-intuitive skills and tools for being in a relationship with a pwBPD.

One concept that gets mentioned a lot on this site is "before you can make things better, you have to stop making things worse". The gist of that is that we can be really motivated to "get the relationship to be good again", yet we need to pause first and ask ourselves a question: Have I not only been "not trying to make it better", but also, have I been contributing, even unintentionally, to "fanning the flames"?

It's related to the concepts of "DO be validating of what's valid, yet also, more importantly... DON'T be invalidating".

Although that's a really high-level view, it does provide a place to start the conversation of -- what would it look like to stay in this relationship. Basically, it's the question of -- am I willing to make some changes in just me, and look at how I may have contributed to escalating conflict, even unintentionally, in my 50% of the relationship.

This is definitely NOT about blame, or fingerpointing. More just recognizing that you would like to stay in the relationship, and the only behavior you really have control over is your own. So, because the relationship can't go on and survive as before, the changes must often come from you.

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I noticed you write this, too:


I'm curious about whose emotions you're referencing there? Yours? Hers?

My guess is that this all goes back to trust. When she was in the doctor's office, she no doubt felt extremely vulnerable, more vulnerable than normal, and the thought of relying on you terrified her. Because what if you chose not to be there for her? I know that you love her and want to be there for her, but she has major trust issues, and it felt less scary for her to push you away than to risk getting hurt.

I doubt that there's anything you did to cause this. She's a broken person. It's not you.

100% agree. I would absolutely be willing to learn about how bpd affects her & how I could communicate differently, if it would help: I’m always open to learning - I’m sure it would benefit  myself as well as her.- I’m in therapy, and I’ve been learning DBT skills for years for my anxiety. I’m definitely open to learning.
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Mine! Before I knew that she was experiencing stronger symptoms than I’ve seen before, I was a ball of anxiety. I have work to continue on myself in managing my own emotions. The DBT skills help. Anxiety can make me feel like I’m losing it when it’s really strong. I also determined a week or so before that my Zoloft dosage was too low - My body had gotten used to the very low dosage, so it’s felt easier to regulate my own emotions now that My meds are more effective.