BPDFamily.com

Hi,
Chanced upon this site desperate to find answers to my situation. My family has been struggling dealing with many ups and downs and outbursts with my SIL (bro's wife), especially since she's had children and recently even more aggravated due to the covid-19 pandemic. She just never seems to be happy and is always irritated and grouchy. She has a unstable relationship with my bro and have had huge fights with him even involving her attacking my bro physically (my bro never retaliates). We walk on eggshells and have been coping by just going along with whatever that she wishes. Her unreasonable outbursts prompted me to research and I believe she exhibit a number of BPD traits. 

I'd just focus on the most recent event as there's just been too many to mention in this post. Everything triggered last Nov through a whatsapp exchange between me and her about my nieces' swimming lessons which I'm sponsoring.  She suggested stopping the lessons citing inflexibility schedule of the coach when in fact she is the one who have so many time constraints. I made the mistake of pointing that out and also expressed my wish to see my nieces become competent swimmers especially since so much effort have been put in already. She replied with a long message about other family commitments, inflexibility of the coach (again) etc.  I knew right away that she's upset and gave just a cursory reply.

Since that exchange, things have just been downhill all the way. She started to be cold towards me, she stopped the girls' swimming lessons and our weekend family hangouts, restricted contact with my 2 nieces whenever I visited my mom (they stayed at my mom's place), rejected my invitation to the yearly Christmas dinner so I didn't get spend Christmas with them. She went on to make many negative remarks to my bro and mom such as she dislikes Christians and doesn't want her daughters to be influenced by me and be close to me. She went to the extent to ask my mom to tell me not to visit when they are there.  My mom did not agree to it and they have since moved back to their  own house and she arranged after school care for my elder niece and changed school for other niece in an attempt to be independent of my mom's help in caring for the girls. My mom misses her grandchildren and took up the offer to stay over at her place for 2 days a week, it has just stated and she was ok one day and next day started acting out and verbally abusing my mom for something that was not her fault.

I learnt from my bro that she has been harbouring many grudges against me. Before this, a few years ago we had a less serious episode which lasted a few months, mainly because I told her off for shouting at my mom just because she didn't include vegetable in dinner for my nieces. After that episode, we were able to get back to a good relationship - I'm single and provide whatever support I could to the family and my beloved nieces...helping to babysit, driving my family around and even supplementing on some of the girls needs, my sis and I shower them to gifts as we are financially more viable.  It seems that over time, it has triggered insecurities within her. Now she has rejected all help or gifts from us.

I have not seen my nieces for about a month now and miss them terribly. I've been  feeling very down and not sleeping well, thinking non-stop about the situation. We are a small family and it pains me that we cannot come together and enjoy each other's company because of my SIL's condition.  My mom is getting old and I'm sad she has to endure all this and all because of me. 

How do I mend my relationship with my SIL? Previous attempts to reach out has not been successful. She refused to confront and talk to me about things, even though I'm ready to apologise and assure her.  There was an occasion that I tried to get her to talk which only resulted in hurtful words exchanged.  I'm in rut and do not know how to move on.  Do I just do nothing?  It seems to be the most common advice that I've read so far.

Thanks for listening.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this- unfortunately it's a common pattern of dysfunctional people- ( Karpman triangle dynamics) where someone has to be the "persecutor" to their feeling of being a victim. If your brother wants any sense of peace in his family, he has to take on the role of "rescuer".

Unfortunately, it seems to take very little for pwBPD to feel "threatened" and then paint someone black after that. Seems your SIL has done that. This is less about you than her. It seems your family has been very supportive of them and your nieces.

While you may feel you need to do something to repair your family, actually, this is the responsibility of your brother. He has enabled your SIL to separate the girls from the rest of the family. If you look at the "relationship" board, you will see that separating their spouse from family is common and it takes the spouse's resisting this to change this.

The idea of "doing nothing" is to not enable these dynamics. As long as you are the one doing the work of repairing the situation, your brother and SIL can persist in their dynamics. When you take a neutral stance- you don't add emotional fuel to this drama- and let it be between him and her.

This situation may not be a lasting one, or it may be, but taking a long range perspective, there could be opportunities later. From my own experience ( middle age with elderly BPD mother) - my mother disliked my father's family and it was mutual. However, they (wisely)didn't say anything about this to us.  (I found out how they felt after my father passed away but I knew how my mother felt about them). They remained a loving presence for us when we did have contact. I don't think they saw us much when we were little. School age on up though, they did. Older children are not as compliant and that can result in friction with a parent with BPD. Also, they were a big help to us and we spent time with them during school breaks. We are still very close to that side of the family.

It seems your family has been a big help to your brother and SIL but it also may be enabling them to participate in the drama. Whatever issues have gone on between you and your SIL, your brother is probably experiencing worse. Be there for the children if needed- but for these two adults, who are engaging in this mean and hurtful behavior to you and your family- let them deal with their own drama. Likely, your brother feels badly about this- but he needs to decide to stand up for himself if he wants it to change.

I want to echoe Notwendy's advice.

As the "sister-in-law", sadly, even though your eyes are wide open, your power to change things is limited, compared to your brother. However, you have a duty for yourself to stay sane through all this.

I picked up a sentence where you say this is all because of you. That your mother is hurt because of you.This kind of thinking is exactly what BPD wants you to think.

Your role is to remind yourself to maintain healthy boundaries and a clear vision. Be the lighthouse your brother needs. A love and safe place for your nieces, for your family. And don't persecute yourself.

PwBPD creates a lot of chaos around them in the relationship between them and others and between others. Stay true to yourself through this chaos, don't lose yourself.

Thank you Notwendy and Riv3rW0lf for your advice and kind words, it has brought me comfort. Thanks for sharing your own personal experience.

Indeed I've been feeling helpless watching from the sidelines at my bro and SIL's volatile relationship. Mom and me had opted to imbed ourselves in their lives, thinking that we could alleviate some of their stress, 'moderate' situations that crops up and provide some sort of a buffer for the girls. It's been a lost cause I would say and at the expense of me and my mom's mental health.

My bro is definitely experiencing worse and he's told us many times that he's hanging on only because of the girls. My SIL has threatened divorce many times (even though we never believed she would go through with it, she can't manage without my brother and rely on him for so many things). We are concerned how much he can take and have urged him to seek professional help. However he doesn't take any action and just deal with things as it comes. He told me he has ever asked my SIL to get help, of course she thinks there's nothing wrong with herself.

I will take your advice to stay out of the drama and keep myself sane while riding out this storm. I will do that for the sake of my loved ones. Thank you.

Just wanted to update here:
Stay away has helped.  It has been tough not seeing my nieces for about a month now (I used to see them a few times each week). I had to deal with fearful thoughts that I might not see them till a long time or forever. I get updates from my mom about what's going on with my bro's family and the girls since she's over at their place a few times to help out. I have been determined to give space and go totally silent. 

A small breakthrough this weekend - my mom organised dinner at her place over the weekend and my SIL actually agreed to come.  There was so much anxiety leading up to it but was so glad they did turn up in the end.  We were deliberate and careful in our interactions.  My sis and I got to spend good time playing some board games with the girls while their mom (my SIL) was doing some work in another room. I'm just grateful that we still get to spend time with the girls.  They are still as bubbly and affectionate (I thought they would behave differently after the time apart)  It'd take time for me and my SIL to be on talking terms again.  There was zero interactions between us.  I'm hopeful and will keep on praying!

Hi !

I am glad things seem to be improving and that you were able to spend some quality time with your nieces.

Thank you Riv3rW0lf!