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It had been 3 months since I’ve seen her. Last weekend at a concert I glanced over and saw her. Was shocked. I didn’t day anything or approach her. Just looked away.

Well, last night I went to another concert and someone warned me they were there. I am not going to let that dictate my life anymore, so I went.

As they were leaving, I was walking back in, and there she was - 2 feet from me as we dead lock eyes. She looks like she’d seen a ghost. The guy was right behind her, a former friend of mine.

I’m not awkward or immature, so I just said “what’s up yall” calmly. They both looked thrown off guard and said “hey” quietly then walked off.

I felt numb. I still do. Maybe I needed to see it in person to really grasp how done it is. I’m sure I’ll have a break down soon but today I just feel nothing.

Maybe they’re happy. Maybe they aren’t. Maybe she treats him right since she hasn’t hit me up once. Maybe she will split. I don’t know. And it doesn’t really matter.

Some days are hard but I do know, the good days are a lot better than they use to be.

its a testament to your detachment that you can see her, play it cool, maybe be rattled for a few days (as anyone would be), and then bounce back.

Exactly!

It's a really great pivot point. Now that you are hear, every time you get a thought or a feeling or even see her again, you can focus on bouncing back from that moment rather than revisiting the whole relationship. I my case, at least, when that started to happen for me, there was an uptake in my healing.

Think more like next victim instead of replacement. One day, the new victim will see her with the next victim. Feel relieved. Feel good for yourself that you deserve better. Your pain and emotions are temporary. As for the ex, her pain is lifelong. Be strong and look at what you went through was a learning phase. Bettering yourself for a real person to enter your life.

The pain without is lesser than the pain with.

I too am impressed with how well you handled the situation. You are strong and getting stronger! We are all here cheering you on.

BVC...I hope many will find this quote and use it because I express this thought all of the time helping people..."The pain without is lesser than the pain with."

It is to be quite succinct...FACT and the truth!

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Smq, one step at a time. One day at a time. And hell even if you do break down...so what? You are human. It is ok. When you do...come back here and we will be here to listen. I am proud of your progress though..."Maybe they’re happy. Maybe they aren’t. Maybe she treats him right since she hasn’t hit me up once. Maybe she will split. I don’t know. And it doesn’t really matter." - This particular part here tells me you are progressing and quite well at that. Keep moving forward and keep your head up. You got this!

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

The shock of seeing them has worn off. The sadness is seeping in. The good moments haunt me. The life we had, I miss. But I do realize I just miss loving someone, waking up to someone, telling them all my secrets, meeting their friends and family, and just treating them good. Giving love to someone, is the best feeling ever.

I don’t necessarily miss her. I miss all she came with. But there really were some bad moments and actions on her part, that weren’t okay. That should’ve been deal breakers.

It’s all cognitive dissonance.

This bit resonated with me a lot, there were numerous absolute deal-breakers within the first month of dating but I ignored them because I liked being with her and craved the "good" moments of which there were many.

I suppose this habit takes a long time to break and we need to remember the "whole" person. Ironically my ex told me she knows I don't like the "whole" of her because she is self-aware enough of her issues to know she has them (but she still finds the cycles easier than the pain of change).

What helped me is writing down all the good and bad so that when I get pangs of longing I can refer to reality rather than my own rose tinted memories.

-getfree

So many questions,

I think your words really demonstrate that you are healing and gaining perspective on the relationship and what you miss. That it was not her, but the things that a relationship entail. This is such an important step in identifying your needs. She filled those needs for a time, albeit with other less helpful things accompanying it. But a relationship with a healthy woman would fill those needs too without as many of the downsides.

I miss all those things too, and I think wanting to hold onto those things kept me in the relationship longer than I should have. It also makes me miss it all the more. I too am trying to realize that she does not hold the key to meeting my unfulfilled needs. I'm trying to learn to meet more of them myself but also recognizing that I would like a partner to enhance the fulfillment of those needs.

I understand your sadness though. What you experienced is sad. Experience the sadness. Process it, and move on. You have survived your worst fears and are moving forward. That takes strength and courage.

I'm in awe of you, man. Keep healing and posting, so we can help you and draw inspiration from you.

I saw my ex and her new supply this week for the first time since they got together 3 months ago. I tried to avoid it but couldn’t. I didn’t feel much that night or the next day, but as expected, today I feel everything so immensely.

I miss her so much. I miss our life. I really did love her and it just hurts that I didn’t mean that much to her, even if she said so. I go over what I could’ve done different but then remind myself the stuff she did, and it helps in ways, but in reality it just hurts. It hurts to love someone that never existed.

It hurts to just be an object that was there to fill a void and get over her previous ex. At times it felt real.

I always fall back to something she said last May; “I told my best friend I want to marry you and start a family, and that I won’t be around as much.”

I regret not forgiving her, letting go of everything, and just trusting that. But I also know this came one month after I broke up with her for a few days, because of lies - so it was just future-faking-love-bombing. She always did that after I finally set boundaries.

A month after that statement she was raging, trying to get out at a stop light in the middle of a bad part of our city, because I was “looking at a girl”

It’s all insane. It could be amazing, the best I’ve ever felt, like true love. And it could be toxic, like reality TV show love.

I feel like there’s something wrong with me. We haven’t spoke in 3 months and I’m not over it. I still miss her. She cheated. That should be it. I shouldn’t want anything to do with her. She has a boyfriend for goodness sakes.

Yet, I’d give anything to talk to her.

I really appreciate you all so much. Seriously.

Some days are so hard. Others are just okay. And then every so often I put a couple really good days together. It’s not linear, I am more than aware of that lol. But it’s exhausting. It’s mentally draining to continually go through these cycles of grief.

I’m enjoying life as a single person with zero attachments. I really am. My career is doing really well and I’ve made tons of friends I wouldn’t have if I was still in the relationship.

But, I am a lover. I strive to find the relationship my parents have. I really just want to find the person for me, but know that can’t come till I’m fully healed.

And then there’s that stupid trauma bond that just wants to reach out and make things better like we always did. I’ve literally considered sending “hey lol it’s been long enough. Let’s get back to us”. Or just something playful. I never would. I just know that’s the bond thinking.

try reframing your thinking here.

if she had died, would there be something wrong with you for grieving her 3 months later?

youre grieving. there are healthy and unhealthy ways of grieving, but there arent, necessarily, rights, wrongs, shoulds, or shouldnts.

in a relationship, hundreds or thousands of interactions take place. some of them are loving, some of them are hurtful. that she cheated, or that the two of you fought, or that the two of you broke up, doesnt negate grieving the relationship...the good parts, and the bad ones.

it will not help you in your grief to shame yourself for it, or to treat it as something that must be avoided, negated, or as an indicator that there is something wrong with you.

let yourself grieve, honor your grief, completely and fully, and i suspect you will find that things get easier.

So many questions&Drumdog

 It does get better. Please read my new thread. Stay strong

I’m really happy to hear about your progress with everything.