BPDFamily.com

Hello all,

I have been a long time member but have not visited in a long time. It was not really necessary anymore, let’s say I healed a lot.
But I am back. This time it is not about how to deal with someone who has bpd, let’s say, it’s rather….how to deal with myself. I guess I might have bpd flees from my mum :-(
The question concerns my relationship. I have always thought relationships are difficult… And in the past I have attracted unhealthy men. The person I am with now does not have bpd though, nor narcicism (yay!). I have been with him for 2 years. I do suspect him to be on the autism spectrum.

We started out as well let’s say ‘friends with benefits’, some 4 years ago. After some time he was looking to get closer and we started to hang out together (bike tours, …). At one point I started feeling more for him because of that, and I wanted to know where I stood. So I asked him if he loved me (‘yes’) and I told him : I can only keep seeing you if we ‘label’ this as a real relationship. This was not what *he* wanted, he doesn’t like labels. But he agreed not to loose me – as I can see now.
Our relationship was never perfect, but I like (love) him a lot. He’s special to me, although the traits I like most are also the ones that give the most challenges. He’s very withdrawn, I suspect autism (but he doesn’t want to hear about that – again, labels … I like labels a lot and he doesn’t).  Which has led me to often put pressure on him (‘why don’t you talk more / why don’t you buy me things for my birthday / why don’t you this and that’). I admit, I have complained a lot, and he has always complied. But the silences, the distanced behaviors, they are not easy for me. Although I have learned to deal with most.
My own traits also sometimes don’t help, I guess I have some ‘bpd flees’ from my mum, in a way that I have a huge fear of abandonment, and this showed a lot in the course of our relationship.  I think I got a lot better at it (I don’t panic massively anymore when he doesn’t text back immediately, …). But still, when I fear he’s pulling away, I realize I put pressure.
So he has always accepted my ‘difficult’ behavior (aside from that I am a very sweet and supportive person you know  :-p ). Until recently. It all started with him blaming me for not ‘listening’. Now, this is not true, I do listen and I consider myself to be very patient. I don’t even know what he means with the ‘not listening’, seems he has a different definition than me (which happens a lot – again, I suspect autism). He can stay frustrated for hours when he thinks I don’t listen, and than wants to keep continuing the conversation, while me I just want to hug and it all spirals downwards when this happens. Seems he defines ‘listening’ as ‘asking the right questions’, ‘letting him finish talking’, but seems also that whatever I do its never good enough. He has also mentioned that he is losing his personality with me. I understand that since I always have put pressure. Also I must add that for him, a big part of his personality is ‘talking about metaphysical stuff’ (he doesn’t like to talk about himself and is always super-detached). For him, talking about metaphysics *is* being himself. The long monologues about that have stopped, since he realized it was too much for me. He’s an ‘all or nothing’ guy, I told him, ‘I don’t mind within limit’s, I even like it’, but nope he stopped.
So recently he told me ‘ok, there are too much issues between us, for my own mental health I think it’s better if we don’t have sex anymore and just keep our friendship’. In my mind, this means he wants to end the relationship. In his mind, this means ‘we will always keep meeting, just in a different way’. He told me that for him, a relationship is not really necessary, he did this for me and than he adds ‘you know me no? I never want anything, I am holistic and im ok with whatever happens’. He also told me that he feels that this whole relationship was my creation, not his, and that he has that feeling I just made him fit into that. I understand somehow here that he has the  feeling he cannot be himself.

I panicked massively in the few days that I thought everything was over (abandonment fear you know).
Keep being friends without the romance would be incredibly difficult for me, and normally I never do that. But he’s my best friend…..And during the last 2 years he (and my daughter) have been the 1 constant in my life. During covid, he was always there, and I must say, he has done a LOT for me, both practical stuff, giving me advice, listening, etc etc.

After a few days of not seeing each other he told me ‘we can try to have the sex anyway’. I felt relieved but also puzzled. I told him that I wanted him to be more himself, that if I make love to someone, I at least want to know who this person is.

And now…. I don’t know what to do / feel anymore. So yes, we still have sex (good sex). And we still do things together, we have our vegetable garden together, we go walking etc. But I am fearing the next episode of ‘you don’t listen to me’. And also, I feel betrayed…
I can’t help it. During the last 2 years, I realized that it was mostly me who wanted this relationship. That he did it ‘for me’, that he doesn’t need or even want a label. But now I see the consequences of his detachement : he can just end the romantic things without feeling too overly bad. And I feel like ok, even if I get used again to the idea of ‘my partner is superdetached from everything, also from me in a way’, he can decide again to ‘break up’, just like that, because he thinks I don’t listen enough.
according to him, the ‘not listening’ is only problematic for him if it is in a situation where I ‘demanded/asked’ sth from him (like f.e. advise). Hell I don’t even know what he means with listening, I just perceive that he’s incredibly stubborn and I feel frustrated when he want to keep talking about a subject while I just have the feeling that he wants that I change my mind on something. (he seems to be always convinced that he’s right and that if he explains long enough, people will change their mind about the topic on hand)
I guess I should post my question on a board about autism too. Because the communication issues are clear. And I think my post here is about 2 topics at the same time; it probably sounds confusing. Sorry. I feel confused  :-p

But how do I deal with myself? I don’t want to loose him. And on the other hand, I feel betrayed. And I am afraid that ‘just like that’ he will decide again he wants to stop. I do notice he’s not so patient with me anymore. (ok, god know that he has been…and I am thankful for that. But now, I just think he’s acting like a kid with the ‘you don’t listen’.)
I tried to start talking about the subject (‘do you still think I make our sex problematic by complaining’) (I did that btw and yep I can behave like a bitch, I realize that now)  but he says ‘I said that in the past, not now. Let’s not talk about it so we don’t create problems again’.
Please advise me. Am I crazy to be in a relationship like that ? But he’s my best friend  

I feel not normal. I want to be normal.

O and a big thank you for reading this. In the following days I will start reading topics again myself, I recognize some of the names here and it feels like I am seeing the names of old friends.

Fie, this does sound like a complicated relationship and I'm sorry you're struggling.
One thing that comes to mind is, what does he need in order to feel "heard"? I've read that it can even be something so simple like - for women, we can multi task (have a conversation and clean the house at the same time, for example), but men feel more "heard" if we put down what we're doing and focus on the conversation. I don't know, it's just a suggestion, but just wondering if there might be a simple way to make him feel like you are listening. Maybe something to ask him? "What could I do in our conversations that would make you believe I am really listening to you in that moment?"