BPDFamily.com

I came across this board and need advice. My nephew's girlfriend has very strong BPD traits.

A little back story...he is 21 and moved halfway across the country to go to college. He grew-up in a close-knit, supportive family with no significant "hard-knocks" in life. He had never had a serious girlfriend or exposure to a long-term romantic relationship prior to this current one.

In September of 2020, he met someone through his zoom classes, online. I had some concerns about her, even 2 weeks into the relationship, but kept it to myself, because I didn't want to jump to conclusions.

When he went away to college, he would regularly call and talk about what was going on. He continued to do this up until about 8 months after he met his girlfriend. He still regularly keeps in touch with his parents, with once a week phone calls and I have talked to/seen him  several times within the last year. It's odd, though.  He's not himself and I never know who he's going to be. He's taken on a lot of her traits and even mimics the things she says. He doesn't spend time with his friends anymore and is essentially living with her, but doesn't tell anyone this. When his family does talk to him, he NEVER talks about her, even though he's with her when not at work or school.

There's much more to this, but my question is, do I tell him? He has no perspective right now or prior romantic relationships to compare this to. There's an elephant in the room that no one is addressing in any way.

Hi Guidance, welcome to the site. It's really good that you reached out for, as your user name suggests, Guidance and feedback about how to proceed when you see your nephew, whom you love, apparently "in the fog" about this girlfriend.

Sounds like you've noticed him communicating less frequently with you. Can you tell me a little more about the differences you've noticed, when you mention "he's not himself"? Different hobbies/interests? Extroverted now, when he was introverted before, or vice versa? Other...?

And in terms of his girlfriend's concerning behaviors or traits, are those things you've seen/heard in person, heard about from others...? What of her behaviors/traits would you say you're most concerned about? Did you know about BPD before she came into the picture, or was she the person where you were like "hmmm, when I research these things she's doing, now I see there's a descriptor for them"?

Lots of questions!


I think my nutshell answer, which we can unpack here on this thread, is that it takes a lot of groundwork and relationship building to get close to a place where a loved one can hear, and I mean really hear, that information. Often, our very difficult role is to walk alongside our loved one as they have their own excruciating learning experiences, and then be there to pick them up at the end, when they have their own realization. This is one of the hardest parts of loving a younger family member.

That's not to say "don't say anything". There is a way to "say something" that can be more effective. A lot of communicating to a pwBPD or about BPD involves not head-on "giving you the facts", rather, a more oblique approach, that indicates that you know something, without "hitting the other person over the head" with it.

You've had a positive relationship with your nephew so far, it seems. In order to keep that door open, you may need to walk a tightrope, balancing wanting to "give him the facts" with the fact that if he gets defensive and shuts you out, then you have no door into his life.

One way to walk that tightrope is to "lead" him to ask himself some questions about his life, and to reflect openly, whether in person with you, emails, phone calls, etc, about his own feelings, wants, and dilemmas. Asking validating questions is a hugely important skill to have when you love a younger family member who is dealing with a pwBPD in their life. It maintains respect for them, helps them not get defensive about "but I really LOOVVEEE this person, so I'll never talk to you again now that you said they're unhealthy", and "makes" them be articulate about what it is they really want or feel. Sometimes -- maybe you've had this experience, too -- it's when we're talking out loud, and sharing our feelings about some situation, that we have an Aha! moment of "I can't believe I never saw this before, but oh my gosh, now that I'm saying it, I totally get how weird this is".

Check out these workshops on the site:

"Validation - common tips and traps": https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=191788.0

'The Power of Asking Validating Questions": https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0

Your care and concern for your nephew shines through, and the fact that you're here speaks to you wanting to support him healthily the best you can. So many of the tools and skills for dealing with a pwBPD in our lives are counterintuitive, yet so much more effective that our typical approach of "logic, facts, reason, and justification". It may seem like it takes a while, but laying that foundation of validation can be hugely important when he finally has that insight for himself and needs somewhere to turn. You can be there for him then, having walked alongside him nonjudgmentally and supportively the whole time.

Let us know your thoughts and how you're doing, whenever works for you --

kells76

Hi Guidance,

I would also like to add, drawing from my experience with my little sister (we are ten years appart) who dated a man with what I think is BPD, that the risks of pointing out BPD and other signs of abuse to someone who is not ready to hear, or with whom the relationship is not "solid" enough, might result in being cut off.

This is what happened to my father. He saw my little sister being abuse on a constant basis, and he told her, straight to her face that he loved her, that she deserved better, that her boyfriend was abusive and she cut him off for weeks, then for months. Her boyfriend had a hold on her, and no amount of telling her how abusive he was seemed to reach her soul ..

She had to walk that road herself.

Another road is to, like Kells pointed out, be there for the road to provide support, asking validating questions and pointing them in the direction of self awareness... We have to be smarter than the abusers.

It is sometimes better to remain silent to be Ableton to walk the road with them, steering them toward a healthier path, than to confront the situation head on and  losing access...

But only you know the deep nature of your relationship with your nephew, and if he will listen to you or not.

Hi Kells,

Thank you for taking the time to reply so thoughtfully and thoroughly.


Sounds like you've noticed him communicating less frequently with you. Can you tell me a little more about the differences you've noticed, when you mention "he's not himself"? Different hobbies/interests? Extroverted now, when he was introverted before, or vice versa? Other...?

He's always been introverted, but social and well-liked and emotionally balanced, as well as confident, but not cocky or narcissistic. He's become extreme in his behavior in thereof, his emotions are all over the place. His reactions to things are strange and not typical. Quite frankly, he appears to be taking on traits of BPD. His hobbies and interests are not his own. He spends the majority of his free time with her and her family. He never talks about fun things they did. He's smoking quite a bit of pot, not recreationally. Says he needs it to sleep. He never had problems sleeping his whole life. He has no financial worries. He excels at school without trying, but has appeared to have lost direction and motivation, but not in a typical, "I don't know what to do with my life", way.

And in terms of his girlfriend's concerning behaviors or traits, are those things you've seen/heard in person, heard about from others...? What of her behaviors/traits would you say you're most concerned about? Did you know about BPD before she came into the picture, or was she the person where you were like "hmmm, when I research these things she's doing, now I see there's a descriptor for them"?

I have known about Cluster B's and BPD prior to this, having dealt with issues in various relationships. Most recently a diagnosed neighbor who would not leave my family alone for approximately 2 years. Also, people I have dated, a boss, etc.

Her traits are both things that have been witnessed as well as told from family members. Manipulative and anti-social behavior; sulking, pretending she's sick, filling my nephews head with negative talk and alienation of family members, passing bad and potentially life-altering habits onto him. Veiled threats to cheat or saying things to make him jealous. Lying, passive-aggressive behavior.  Flirting inappropriately with his 14-year old brother. Not being able to respect boundaries and getting unusually offended when they're set to begin with. The list goes on. After her last visit to my Sister and Brother-in-Laws she left without saying "Good-bye" or "Thank You". This was their 2nd introduction to her. The rest of the time she either avoided them or hid in the bedroom. She said she was sick.

Your links to threads and advice on how to go forward, is helpful. We are all over here walking on eggshells, terrified to say the wrong thing or that we will react, because we're angry.

Hi Riv3rWOlf,

Thank you for sharing your experience. It's helpful to be reminded not to react or address any of it in a normal and open way.

I'm sorry that your sister had to go through heartache alone. Is she okay now?

He isn't ready to listen, I can tell. There is just this urgency that our family feels to do SOMETHING, because if he doesn't know and is in a fog, we don't want him to be alone and suffering, feeling guilt, shame and all the other negative emotions that he's being made to feel responsible for. It's very unfamiliar territory.

Yes, she is.

Life took her in a new job that is centered around wellness and she met like minded people.

Whatever my father said to her was discarded. But when it came from friends and coworkers, she listened.

Now she broke up with her abusive ex and is moving in the city, closer to her work. And she is aware and interested in starting therapy to heal from the abusive years she went through.

From all this abuse came out a real desire for peace and to find herself...

I understand the feel of urgency though. When my father told me he thought things had gotten physical between her and her boyfriend, I was ready to go there with my husband and grab him by the neck. She later told me he had never hit her, but did spit on her face... So much pain she went through. But she is overcoming it and finding, within herself, a strength and power she didn't knew she even had prior to this relationship.

There is hope, and it is good that he has all of you walking the road with him, supporting him through.

Most people do not recognize that he/she has chosen to have a relationship with a person with BPD. There are a small minority of people who would welcome knowing that having BPD is what is behind so many disturbing behaviors of a person. I would gently probe to see if your nephew has any interest in any kind of feedback about his girlfriend.

Riv3rWOlf,

That makes me so happy to hear. Sometimes you don't get to learn of what happened to people in the aftermath.

It makes sense that people in these relationships would not listen to someone that might be close or "biased", like your father. I believe that there might be some people that have told him, maybe bluntly, that she doesn't seem right. We don't know.

Zachira,

Thanks so much for your input. Unfortunately, he doesn't talk about her at all. Doesn't mention her in passing or anything, and it's weird. Our family hasn't said anything disparaging about her, to him or in a way that would get back to him. It's like he's hiding something, which he is.

The situation is a bit different because he is halfway across the US and with Covid and everything, I haven't been able to see him in person, as much as I'd like. I have never met his girlfriend and said "hi" to her on the phone once.

It's hard watching people you love make bad choices  :(

Fortunately, he is still communicating with family.

What are some of the traits that worry you? In what ways is his mimicking her?

He's probably ruled by his heart at the moment so hearing things intended for his head aren't likely to land the way you'd expect, or hope.

With my stepdaughter, I stuck to questions. "How was the kayak trip? You guys have fun?"

She would drop a small detail and I would ask a validating question, like what kells76 mentioned. "Oh. Things got weird?"

It worked better to lead her to her own thoughts, rather than tell her what seemed obvious.

Light as a fairy can be extraordinarily powerful.

During my marriage to someone with BPD, a friend said, "You doing ok? You ever need a glass of wine and a sounding board, I'm here."

It really rocked my world to think that someone might see what I was working so hard to hide. There was a lot of cognitive dissonance and I couldn't admit to myself how bad it was. Plus, it was deeply humiliating.

Another friend showed something that came across like pity and I couldn't handle that. She was also very cerebral with her advice, and that came across like Latin. Her question, "Have you read up on narcissism?" led me to dark and horrible parts of the internet that filled me with dread and nearly paralyzed me.

Someone shared the adage with me, "Create your own luck." I would do the same with your nephew by creating opportunities to connect with him so you increase the chances he shares something. Even then, tread gently.

He may have a shaky sense of self and not have the strength you have to wade as deep.

Hi Livednlearned,

Thank you so much for your reply and valuable advice. It's incredibly helpful to hear it from someone else that has experienced the abuse.

Fortunately, he is still communicating with family.

Yes, he is still communicating with us, although less and less with me. We have always had a close relationship , although not a verbal one. We always did a lot of activities together, not so much anymore. He has amazing parents, so I get to be the fun auntie. When he went away to college about 2 years ago, he would regularly call. I let him take the lead on this. This stopped around April/May a year ago.

What are some of the traits that worry you? In what ways is his mimicking her?

Do you mean his traits that bother me or hers?

He's appeared to morph into her. Covering things up that he would normally speak freely about, like what he's been up to/doing, etc. He leaves her entirely out of the equation with both his parents and I. He started this a long time ago. He'll tell us what he's been up to but won't mention her at all. He's been smoking pot daily and we suspect multiple times a day. He's moody and when I do talk to him, I never know who I'm going to talk to. The distant/formal guy. The punk , brash guy. The somewhat normal, but secretive guy, etc. He is losing motivation and making his world small to accommodate her and her needs/wants. He's more sensitive to situations, taking things personally.  He's 21 and has the whole world in his reach, with no worries of finances to keep him boxed in. He was  excited and focused to continue to explore his chosen interests/major. He's earned incredible opportunities to support him in getting there, but these opportunities require for him to travel. There is a lot more, but with respect to him, I don't want to give identifying details or be to specific.



It really rocked my world to think that someone might see what I was working so hard to hide. There was a lot of cognitive dissonance and I couldn't admit to myself how bad it was. Plus, it was deeply humiliating.

Thank you, Yes, this! Imagining the shame, guilt, confusion, blame, internalization, covert manipulation, brainwashing and just how badly his head is being messed with. This makes me incredibly sad, scared, angry and panicked. I just want him to know that it's not him. That he has family that have experienced all of this and can be there for him.