BPDFamily.com

It's been a couple of months since I posted. In another thread I talked about the dismal failure of our only attempt at family therapy. Long story short, 23yr old DD was willingly admitted to a PHP program, was clearly in there talking about puppies & rainbows, requested a family therapy session, and by the time the session came around she'd been off her meds for many days and everything imploded. She was kicked out of the program for violating both the attendance and behavior contract. All blamed on me. Nothing new. Then things calmed down, we were mostly doing ok, she was regularly taking her meds with the help of my daily reminder.

2 weeks ago, DD had been feeling extra depressed, severely lonely (she basically has no friends), and very sad. I invited her to meet me at a friends house for a ladies only pool party, which she came to and seemed to enjoy. She had my spare house keys (we don't live together) because she had to pick something up from my house on the way to the party. At the end of the evening she asked if she could keep my keys. I said yes, but that having them isn't an open invitation to show up and come in. She must call first and WAIT for a response (I am single & dating someone). She said she understood, was going to my place to shower and do a load of laundry. It was 6:30pm. I told her I was going out and would talk to her "tomorrow". I arrived home at 11:30pm and saw her car still there. I go in the house and she's stretched out across my bed. I woke her up and told her she has to go home (she lives 11 min away). I have company coming over, you have to go home. She was completely pissed, but ultimately left.

Last week she comes over to talk, and gives me an ultimatum: I can either stop seeing "that dude" or I can have a relationship with her and learn to prioritize her. She doesn't know the man. Has never met him. Didn't even know he existed until that evening. Oh, and I needed to call him in front of her, on speaker phone, and tell him I'm done. Otherwise she wouldn't believe that I'd done it. She said I owed her since I always put men in front of her. She has only ever known me to be with 2 people. Yes, there were numerous times I feel like I failed her growing up - not standing up for her when I should have, not shutting my ex-husband down when he'd say something unkind. We've talked about all of my failings at great length, and I have acknowledged and apologized for them repeatedly. None of that matters. The fact that I told my adult child that she needed to go to her house just proved that once again, I'm putting a man in front of her. So I had to choose. And I chose me. The man is incidental to the issue imho... I know that if I give in to her demand, it will just be one of many.

I asked her how long she expected me to be single and not dating so that I could focus on her? 5 years? 10 years? Until she gets married? At what point does my life become my own? That was all me being selfish, prioritizing a man, and once again letting her know that she doesn't matter. So she hopped in her car that I paid for, and went to her apt that's in my name and that I pay for.  Then last night she text me that her psychiatrist completely agrees with her and agrees that I'm a horrible mother, and a pathetic, desperate, selfish, miserable b****. Sigh...

I feel like I'm supposed to respond... but to say what? I feel simultaneously sad, hurt, guilty, angry, hateful, and back to guilty & sad.

Was I wrong for kicking her out that evening? I wish I'd handled it differently, but I don't think I was wrong.

As always, thanks for hearing me out.

Jezz - you aren’t a horrible mother.  You have a right to a life of your own with people/partners that you choose to be with.

Setting boundaries is hard - I had to do it with my own daughter.  After her father and I divorced, I met my current husband & we’ve been married for almost 12 years now.  No matter what he did my DD27 never accepted him.  When she was around your own daughter’s age she actually initiated a physical fight with him.

You should do you - get help if you can for her - but don’t neglect yourself. 

It’s very hard, I know.

Hi Jezz
One of my 'Aha!' moments in relation to bpd dd was that the nature of the illness is intense emotion - abandonment, anger, splitting etc. I realised that this was why my response to dd was always intense emotion in myself - sad, guilt, anger etc.

I found myself having to fight to let my 'reasonable' self get above my own emotions. Practicing 'greystone rock' has made all the difference to my life. I sort of put an imaginary 'boundary' around me when dd lets fly with all the emotional stuff. When I am by myself I keep reminding myself of all the FACTS of the situation.

I mention this because you say "I feel simultaneously sad, hurt, guilty, angry, hateful, and back to guilty & sad".

The facts you give are that you are a generous, kind, thoughtful parent who has gone on a long journey supporting your child.

The emotional nature of BPD draws out an emotional response in us - especially as a parent.

I hope you can hold your ground and - at the right moment - get your keys back.