BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone!

I’m new here and looking for help.

My girlfriend has been diagnosed with BPD before we started dating. We met in February, started dating in March and been official since May. We live in different cities 1 hour 40 mins apart.
She has PTSD, depression and anxiety too. She takes medication and goes to therapy through the Scottish NHS which is only once per month.

When we first met my GF told me she had BPD and I looked it up online briefly and only had a vague understanding of the illness and how it affects someone.

About a week and a half ago she went on a trip with friends without me to clear her head. While she was messaging me from the trip she felt I was smothering her and was not taking her phone with her to avoid me. I let my own insecurities get the better of me and told her I was angry and we could talk about it when she got home. I realise now I’ve triggered her BPD and she in turn has got angry with me and asked for space. Again not understanding the situation and with my own insecurities running wild I’ve begged and pleaded for her to talk to me.
She’s deleted me off all her social media and wouldn’t reply to any text messages. I gave her a couple days before messaging again to ask if we could talk and again no answer. So I asked her if I should come get my belongings out of her flat, no answer. So I then asked her to send me the belongings that were most important to me to my house so she wouldn’t have to see me if she didn’t want to. At this point I was convinced the relationship was over. I got an answer saying she had asked for space but would get me my stuff back if that’s what I wanted. I replied I wanted clarity on if she was leaving me and that I loved her.

I’ve not had a reply in two days. I now realise I’ve triggered her BPD and done tons of research into the illness which has led me here. Basically I want to know if there’s a best way to approach this situation. Do I just leave her be or check in every few days saying I’m here if she needs me? Any advice is so appreciated! I really love her and understand this is a long and difficult road I’ve chosen. On the bright side my belongings haven’t come through the post yet!

Oh and I feel I should mention I’ve started going to therapy myself to deal with my own insecurities and issues.

J

Therapy is essential for partners of people with BPD as the relationships can be so stressful and unpredictable.

Best not to chase her if she’s told you she needs space. Let her be the one to approach you.

It's perfectly okay to have your insecurities, I'll say that first. Once you learn and understand BPD better, and from a BPD brain rather than a non-BPD brain, a lot of what you're feeling will make more sense.

It sounds like your GF split. It may be best for you to research this and understand what it means. Essentially pwBPD change into black and white thinking when they are triggered into a split. My H for example, recently had blocked me. Everyone is different and BPD is definitely on a spectrum. But don't expect a pattern necessarily unless your gf is fully narcissistic BPD.

As for what you should do, every pwBPD is different in how they'd like this handled. Some people I've spoken to appreciate still getting text messages reminding them that they are loved, etc. For my H, I usually send a few of those texts but I just stop talking to him and let him come to me. There's really no way to get them to talk to you unless they want to. Most importantly, dont respond emotionally, I cannot stress this enough. Anything in this state can be even more triggering to your gf. Learn tools of validation (but not validating the invalid) like DEARMAN or SET and avoid JADE-ing.