BPDFamily.com

Hello all!

I’ve been researching since 2017 about how to approach, repair or otherwise deal with my relationship with my girlfriend of 10 years. I am 41 and she is 33. She is from the Baltics and I’m Australian, we met in london and were set up by friends.

I noticed we were being less intimate and so I began researching about how to improve that area of our relationship. I would ask my close friends for their advice and began making a log of how often we would have sex, as well as a diary for myself.

Many professionals online recommend talking about the topic of intimacy and asking about how things have slowed and how it make me feel. But She was never interested in talking. Sometimes she said she’s just not as sexual as me, recently she said she was abused as a child and has flashbacks. Of course I am understanding and showed her support.

I love her dearly and am extremely attracted to her, so I didn’t give up.

Every few weeks when she seemed to be in a good mood I would again try and be intimate, be rejected and so bring up the topic of what might be wrong, and was always met with silence and withdrawal.

During this time we would be best friends, going out for dinner and hikes in the forests, as well as camping.

However there were many occasions were I would feel rejected and I would express my frustrations verbally in a not so friendly way. I would always apologise afterwards and try to express my feelings and we would often make up and cuddle.

She would often be negative, belittling, criticising, silent, withdrawn, gaslighting and often rejecting any form of intimacy or discussions of problems. She finds it very difficult to apologise.

She would often be flirting with other men while out with me, or in groups, at festivals or clubs. On my 40th birthday, I became sick and left the club early, my friend later told me she was grinding on my workmate. When I confronted her about it, she denied it, then said he was showing her a dance move and had no choice in the matter.

After 4 years of research, navigating through Vulnerable Narcissism articles and videos, I have come to the realisation that she may suffer from “quiet” bpd, and I may well suffer from BPD as well. Apparently NPD and BPD overlap in some cases, which describes her very accurately.

When I approach her with the tactics to treat or otherwise engage someone with Quiet BPD, using advice of professionals articles online, she is positively responsive.

In mid 2019, she cheated on me while overseas in Finland. My diary entries in the 2 months before show us arguing intensely, including very confusing and aggressive actions from her.

Since then, she has been in daily contact with him. I suspected something was up and looked through her phone when she was asleep. I confronted her the next day and she denied any wrongdoing, saying that I’m paranoid, he’s just a friend she met at a Viking festival over there. Then she told him about our conversation and he seemingly unknowingly gave himself up in the words he used.

Now highly suspicious, I went through her phone again and saw that conversation. I asked her about it and suspected she was lying. Later, I told her I know the truth and that I want to know why, she spilled the beans and said it was because of our arguments during that time. She said she used protection. I asked her to stop contacting him and I believe she has stopped, although he is probably confused.

Now, over the last 5 years or so, I notice a lack of affection or my advance are rejected, so I’ll research about how to talk to her and will say something like, honey, I feel rejected when you pull away from my kiss or touch, it really means a lot to me and I’d really love to know how you’re feeling about it. Every time I am met with silence, or, I don’t want to talk about it. After a few times of doing this, over weeks, I’ll get frustrated and an argument will ensue. Thus making things worse.

Her grandmother is sick and she has gone to the Baltics for 3-6 months to spent time with her. She booked the ticket 2.5 weeks in advance and quit her job. She said she has Tuesday and Wednesday off on the last week and so I got those days off too.

Before the last weekend, on Thursday morning, she said she’s going to a Viking festival, one last time, for 4 days. I was supportive of her and we finally had sex that night. It had been almost 2 years.

There were a very high volume of emotions flowing inside me and I looked at her phone while asleep again. She booked the Viking festival tickets at the same time as her plane tickets, 2 weeks ago. But told me at the last minute. One conversation between her and a male Viking friend was a little odd. He said, from no-where, out of the blue type thing, “we’ll save on sleeping gear then”, she replied, “awesome!”, he said, “but you’ll probably be put with the other ladies in a different tent”. It appeared like she had deleted the previous few messages and so there was very little context.

She went to the festival and I was heartbroken, crying for days. My eyes were so swollen everyone at my work thought I was sick with the flu.

She returned and we had sex again, 3 times in 2 days, with is more that the entire year of 2020.

On the drive to the airport to drop her off I couldn’t stop crying, at some point I said, I don’t understand why we went 2 years without sex, she said, she’s not as sexual as me, I said, but you cheated on me, if you’re not that sexual, that doesn’t make sense. Of course in a friendly, yet confused tone.

She has gone now, and I cried for days again. Now I am thinking clearly, I can’t help wonder about what other guys there were, that I didn’t know about.

Does all this seem like a woman I should be waiting for? Or should I be trying to stop loving her? I’d like to hear your thoughts and of course feel free to ask me any questions if there is any confusion.

Thank you for reading this.
S

Ok, let me see if I get this straight. You’ve been with this woman for over a decade, living together but not married. She has shunned your sexual advances and has said that she’s *not as sexual* as you. You still enjoy fun adventures together but she participates alone in *Viking festivals*.

You’ve sought out help for the lack of intimacy through friends and reading articles, but she’s not interested in talking about it.

Recently you’ve discovered that she has cheated on you and you likely think this next Viking festival is another opportunity for her to get together with her affair partner.

You’ve resorted to snooping on her phone because she won’t be forthcoming with you.

It seems that you are hoping to make her into a more suitable partner for you, but that she has no interest in being other than she is.

What do you imagine the future holds if this continues?

Thanks for your reply!

That’s about right, but I’m not sure she has an affair partner at the Viking festivals here in Australia, however she did have an affair with a man she met at a festival in the Baltic’s.

I have some hopes of a future together because we had sex ‘many’ times in the last week before she left here. And she said she would return and cried a bit on the last day before she left. All her things are still here in the flat we rent.