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Title: My story and advice? Post by: finaltimes on July 15, 2022, 03:25:31 AM Hey guys, I've been a bit of a lurker for about a week or so now, read almost every forum post over the past year or two. It's quite nice to know that there is a family to help support people going through this. I just wanted to share my story and how I've been feeling about everything and look for some help to anybody that will listen. I really appreciate anybody that reads all of this and replies, it means so much to me.
Just over 2 years ago now I started talking with a girl from school and we sort of connected, she lived 2 states away now (other side of the country) but we eventually grew to call each other every night and watch things together. We couldn't visit due to covid lockdowns but eventually had our chance. I visited for a few weeks on and off and she came down a couple of times to where I was living. I wasn't enjoying my job and I fell in love with her. I decided to move across the country to live with her. All was good! Going into this I knew about her diagnosed bpd and ocd among other issues, and she was taking medication but not in therapy for dbt. I never looked too deeply into it because I knew her bpd was incredibly mild. Nonetheless we were together and enjoying life, it stayed that way for a good while, we had our issues but nothing a stable relationship wouldn't suffer from. After a while things started to get worse, I never really noticed it and looking back I still don't fully recognise it. Her emotions were intense and often irregular, unsure of when something would turn our night into suffering. She asked me to go to therapy to start working on my shortcomings in the relationship and I did, I made some huge improvements in the way I expressed my love for her but still have a good way to go yet. Towards the last few months of our relationship, it deteriorated greater than normal and I wasn't able to keep up. I would withdraw without even recognising it. All I wanted was to support and love her in the best way I could. She often would mention that it felt like I was "walking on eggshells" and I would often feel like I hadn't done anything major wrong. I wasn't supportive when she needed me and I regret that so much now. I would do so many things to support her, I would've done anything but I feel like I wasn't there for her when I should have been. We decided to end things together, however she instigated the conversation after a couple weeks of on again off again break ups. I let her go and didn't fight, maybe because I was beaten down or maybe because I knew it was best for her while she was suffering with her intense depression and pain I felt was caused by me. She was also about to start dbt and I wanted what is best for her. After the breakup, our lease ended and she moved into her own place while I spent the last few weeks alone in our house. I decided to move back home to old family and friends. This was at the end of May, but our breakup was the start of May. We were together for a year and a half. I came back home and hated it, nothing had changed here and I was miserable. I couldn't bring myself to get a job even after applying and having 8 job offers. I still loved her. I asked if we could call and we spent about 2 hours on the phone, I mentioned that I felt like I made a mistake moving back and was considering moving to her state again, I had a great job there, it'll be far easier to be qualified than here, therapy is really helpful in person and I wanted to get back with her if that was an option, which wouldn't if I stayed here. I also mentioned I regret not fighting more for the relationship and us and that I would always love her. She responded saying that the idea of me moving back made her feel "bitter" and in terms of the relationship she said she felt: - I was a black cloud following her around - She would have broken up with me regardless - The changes I made were too little too late - Didn't make her feel loved - No way to resolve her resentment for me (no clean slate or trying again) - She hasn't had days where she has felt like she wants to kill herself This was about 4 weeks ago. I've spoken to some mutual friends since then and they've mentioned that the things she has said to them is the complete opposite. ie. Made her feel loved, super patient and supportive etc etc. (She would often mention that I was so patient with her and I always felt like I could naturally calm her from a breakdown or panic attack when I've been notoriously bad at it with others in the past). That hit me hard but I decided to give her space. We spoke a couple of times over the next week, she initiated by saying she had covid but was blunt and another time I initiated to make sure she was alright in isolation. All I wanted was to cook her some food and bring her some linen or pyjamas. We spoke for a few hours on and off with messages but she was still a bit short. I sent her some money I owed her a week later and she said that she appreciated it and I left it at that. I've been no contact since and trying not to check her online accounts. Logging out of my Instagram etc. I've missed her so deeply and everything I've done over the past few months I have wanted to do with her. I can't help but feel like I've lost the one person I really had a connection and natural affinity with compared to anyone in my past. I logged back into Instagram today to find that she has me blocked, and on FB and Spotify now. I had a plan to message her on her birthday in late September and gauge the response to see if we could reconnect but now that I've been blocked I feel quite lost. I've taken the block better than I thought and imagine it is for her to be able to move on, and I guess I'll never truly know the motivation behind it. I've decided to move back and have found a place that's affordable and looks great but it's quite close to where she lives, as in the suburb over only a number of blocks away but it's all I could get. I've been struggling so much and honestly and feel so empty without her in my life. I've been through break ups before but none like this. I know that she isn't dating anyone right now, unless she has found someone in the past week. We got together about a month or 2 after she broke up with her ex at the time, and has been in long term relationships with a few other people over the last 6 years, I know she hasn't recycled before with them, but a lot were damaging towards her. I miss her a lot and am so unsure about what to do moving forward, I don't even feel like I want to let go, I simply want to reconnect with her. I've spent a lot of time working on myself, the shortcomings of me in the relationship, and improving my self esteem. I just want to show it all to her for her to experience. Knowing that her bpd isn't as intense or manipulative as some others here I feel like she genuinely has so much resentment against me, will never want to reconnect or talk again. I do want her back, but know that it's probably unlikely. I would love to hear your thoughts and opinions about all of this, how I can deal better, and everything else. In your experience will she unblock me? Or communicate with me again? Thank you so much for reading all of this if you have, I appreciate it so deeply. You're all helping me make it through each day. Title: Re: My story and advice? Post by: nerves on July 15, 2022, 09:17:15 AM Firstly, welcome and sorry to hear you're going through this :hug:
Secondly, you're amongst friends here: many will understand immediately the feelings you have. Thirdly, some things that have helped me these last 6 months: - Radical acceptance: the present is the result of a chain of events that you cannot change - Time will heal - Be kind to yourself, go to the gym, build new routines, keep busy - Distract yourself from thoughts that dwell on her, be they present/past/future - Keep no contact as much as you can. You might mess up (I have multiple times) but I know I feel better after longer periods of NC and everything gets chaotic if contact resumes The brutal truth is that what you thought was there was never actually there and you can never get closure from it. The challenge is to get your mind to a place where it can feel the pain, let it go and get on with your own life. You'll come out of this better and stronger :heart: Title: Re: My story and advice? Post by: finaltimes on July 15, 2022, 08:19:27 PM Thank you nerves, I read your whole story yesterday. I really do feel like I'm not alone here
I think that getting to that point of radical acceptance and being okay with it is one of the hardest parts. I understand that now I must go through life without her, and holding out hope is dangerous. I guess time is the only way to really let things go. We have been no contact for about 2/3 weeks now. All that I truly want is to message her but she clearly doesn't want me around, otherwise we would be talking. Being blocked kind of ruins any chance or reason to reach out at least for now. I'm not sure if my number is blocked, I would doubt it to be honest but I'm not about to try and find out. I know a lot of people suffering with bpd come back at some point. I have this feeling in my gut that it won't happen for me though and I guess I should be thankful for this but I'm simply not. Wallowing doesn't tend to help but it's kind of all I want if I can't be in contact with her. Onwards and upwards as they say right? Title: Re: My story and advice? Post by: alterK on July 16, 2022, 06:28:51 PM Hi Final and welcome! I'll be blunt. What you are experiencing is what many people (myself included) have gone through with a pwBPD. At the beginning you are their knight in shining armor. You are the one they have been longing to meet all their life. They understand you so well, you understand them so well. It's wonderful. It's also a sham.
The person they think is so wonderful isn't you. It's someone who exists only in their mind. Eventually, they discover you aren't that wonderful, perfect person. You are just you. They can't tolerate that, and then you become a victim of what is called splitting. You are now the devil incarnate, a huge disappointment, someone who is only bad for them. They can't see you as just an ordinary person who may have the best intentions, but also has some faults. For your part, you have to accept the painful reality that the person you loved is not the person your (ex) partner actually is. You need lots of support to get back on your feet, and some decent therapy would be very helpful. Again, to be blunt, your choice is to continue riding the roller coaster with her--and though you hope you might be able to get off, the chances of that are slim to none--or to start healing yourself. Healing is what you need and deserve, and can accomplish (though it takes time), but it's also a choice. Title: Re: My story and advice? Post by: finaltimes on July 17, 2022, 08:14:00 PM Hey alterK, thanks for your words they are quite helpful. I am finding it really quite difficult to really move forwards with my life and put this all behind me. I have so much endless hope that I'll be unblocked and we can reconnect. Or that her hate and resentment for me will subside.
You are now the devil incarnate, a huge disappointment, someone who is only bad for them. Coming to terms with being labelled by her mind as a "bad" person is possibly the worst feeling I've ever felt, and there isn't anything I can do about it. Therapy is helping but my unwillingness to let go and accept things as over is really halting my progress, I don't want to let this die but I know I can't do anything about it, even more so now being blocked. Our relationship wasn't perfect, but I know that if she came back to me I would take her back, even if it were unhealthy for me. She can be a very stubborn and unforgiving person, dealing with her possibly hating me for life is a lot. Do you have any advice for this? As blunt as it needs to be Title: Re: My story and advice? Post by: alterK on July 18, 2022, 07:00:06 AM Final, this is for sure painful. Unwillingness to accept this mess is natural. It's a stage many of us go through, and it's even has an official name, "Denial."
It's normal to have many conflicting emotions. You love her and want her back. You can't believe that after all the good times that person won't come back to you. You are angry at her for changing so arbitrarily and rejecting you. You may even have sparks of relief, though, thinking that it's all over. You have a choice. You can endure the pain now, or later. Remember, it isn't you she's rejecting. It's a person manufactured from her own fears. But that person is real for her, and sadly there is nothing you can do to change it. Have you met any of her former boyfriends? You'll probably find they are nowhere near as evil as she has portrayed them. If she takes you back, I'm sure you know she'll reject you again. Do you want to keep going through that cycle? You may have some moments of pleasure, but in the end it will wear you down, and can even affect your physical health. Even with her blowing hot and cold, the person she's talking about isn't you. Accepting this is difficult, painful, and does indeed take work. I would encourage you to move in that direction. but no one can make these decisions for you. You do have choices, and in that respect, at least, you are free. Title: Re: My story and advice? Post by: finaltimes on July 19, 2022, 01:45:32 AM Thanks Alter. I certainly do love her, but I also know that I can still care and carry my love for her from a distance. Over the past 24 hours I've been dealing with things a lot better. I don't have any anger or resentment for her in any shape or form, our relationship wasn't perfect and the break up was coming for about a month beforehand, and I was emotionally drained, just not completely empty, and I still would have kept on giving.
I've started to really accept that she is in a stage of hatred for me or at the very least does not want me in her life now. There isn't anything I can do about that but focus on me. I do feel free, at least for the moment and in my ability to make a future for myself. I'm moving back to the city she is in for my work and therapy. But I will be nearby where she lives, I have no intentions of contacting her or running into her and it's highly unlikely that I will. My ex doesn't know, just that I was thinking about moving. Short of someone telling her about it. One of our mutual friends, that I've had a good chat about things with and still intend on being friends with messaged me last night. Essentially saying that her and her partner thought moving may have been a bad idea and are concerned for me reaching out to her. It really rubbed me the wrong way, and was different to previous discussions about it. Almost like it was from high school. I replied in a very concise way getting all of my points across, about how I have no intentions, maintaining my dignity etc etc. And got a short response back. I can't help but feel that that message came from things my ex may have said to her. Title: Re: My story and advice? Post by: alterK on July 19, 2022, 06:55:20 AM Sounds like you are moving on from the stage of "total denial" to "confusion." Seriously, what I mean is that you are going through a lot of conflicting emotions, and this too is pretty normal. My suggestion is that you accept the reality of all these mixed-up feelings without thinking you are obligated to choose among them, or sort them out. They are just part of the situation, part of you, all of them appropriate.
The essential ingredient is Time. Give yourself time. Healing is rarely as fast as we'd like it to be. Accept that pain is part of the process, as are the other more positive things that are starting to arise. Title: Re: My story and advice? Post by: finaltimes on July 19, 2022, 09:00:57 PM Well, a mutual friend mentioned to her about the move and being in a suburb next over. I was unblocked on Facebook and sent a massive message. About the move, how she has no interest in ever talking to or seeing me again, stay away from me. How horrifically selfish I am being, using mutual friends for support when I needed it most was abhorrent. She doesn't want me in "her" city etc etc.
She also sent another message telling me not to reply, that I would be blocked but she can't for a few days. And to respect her wishes. I can't help but feel like I need to reply, defend and stand up for myself once in my life. Be civil, explain why I'm moving and that it has nothing to do with her and that I have no intentions of contacting her. To her the damage has already been done, so how much worse can it get. We broke up on good terms, but reading this and being blocked feels like such a betrayal on the good terms we decided. Title: Re: My story and advice? Post by: alterK on July 20, 2022, 01:06:37 PM Final, be honest with yourself. Based on all that has happened, do you realistically believe you can convince her to see anything from your point of view? I'm sure you are writing stuff in your head, over and over, each time explaining yourself a little more clearly. You will never convince her.
You can send her anything you want, but it will change nothing. You need to work, not on her, but on yourself. That is the only way you can find any peace. |