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I’m really sorry. I’m sorry for ruining everything and hurting you. I’m sorry for being so mean and heartless. No apology will ever be enough. You are the sweetest boy I’ve ever met and I’m sorry that you met me. I’ve never really felt real, especially since quarantine. I can’t differentiate feelings and I don’t ever know how I truly feel. There are easy feelings like happiness and sadness but I never knew what love felt like. I don’t know how to love. I’m not sure if it’s because of trauma or I’m just sick. I know that I care about you and your feelings, I love being loved by you and I love being around you. But I don’t know what love is or what it feels like. I don’t know how to explain but I think I am so numb from being hurt so much. It seems like I can only feel when it’s sadness. When I do feel sad, it is so draining and consuming. I’ve always felt like I’m broken and unloveable. Like no one will ever understand what it’s like to be me and struggle with so much. Constantly fighting the voice in my head. I lash out and hurt people I care about. Even I’ve never understood myself. But you make me feel so much better about it, you try to understand and be empathetic. At this point though I think it’s better if I’m alone, I can’t control anything I do anymore. I can’t feel regret or empathy. All I feel is anger, rage and sadness. I’ve been so exhausted. I can’t help but imagine how different this would be if you could be here with me physically. I just want to be held by you. I’ve just been playing with Harry. The new friend group I told you about, already went to PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm). That’s a story for another time. But I’ve just been wasting time trying so hard to avoid everything and act like everything is fine. I have been having fun with my friends but at the end of the day, I stay up late because I can’t sleep anymore. I have to stay up so late until I get too tired because only then I can sleep. I just wish you were here. To be held, kissed and feel your warmth. I need you so bad. I’m sorry for being bipolar. If I could be normal I would. I’m sorry for being so complicated. I know I’ve said really hurtful things and I’m sorry. I PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ed up everything. If I could take it all back I would. I can’t do anything but say sorry. You deserve a nice girl. It might take some time but you deserve to be happy. Move on and be with someone better. I’m not the girl you want to be with. I know you think I am but I’m not. I’m just gonna drain and hurt you. I never meant to hurt you and it’s okay if you never forgive me but just know I wish I knew how to love you. I just can’t love you the right way. As much as it hurts to try to let you go, I can’t. You are so precious and I don’t want you to leave. But I know it’s for the better. I’m sorry for everything. There’s so much more I want to say but I don’t have the energy. I’m just sorry.


This is what she said the other day and I was there for her and gave her a longer text in return how she of course can be forgiven and reassuring her and more etc. things went better but the next day after she hung out with friends she started distancing herself again and its working against us. Please someone tell me how I can make it clear that she’s not ruining anything and that I’m hers

This broke my heart to read from both perspectives.  If I had an answer on how to hold onto her, I would be trying it myself, believe me.  I think all you can truly do is tell her you love her and are there for her.  There may not be anything you can say to change her mind though.  In my experience, not much you say will get them to change a decision they have made.  In some ways, you are lucky.  She at least acknowledges your worth and how special you are, especially in how you treat her.  Mine is similar, she never paints me black and has nothing but praise for me.  Unfortunately, that is not always enough for them to work things out.  I wish I had a better answer for you.  I hope someone else might.  Try to respect her wishes, even if it hurts you.  She sounds as though she is aware she cannot give you what you deserve.  Believe me, I know that hurts more sometimes, but try to hold onto that.