BPDFamily.com

I am married to this wonderful woman for 1.5 years now.
She has severe BPD. She is brave enough to acknowledge it and seek treatment for it. However over 1.5 years she has wreaked havoc in our lives, by constant accusations of betrayal and abandonment, without any logical base to it. She has emotionally abused me, for months with constant mocking, disparaging, belittling, controlling, criticizing, gaslighting, isolating, name calling and verbal abuse, silent treatment, withholding love. She has her moments where she is all kind, generous and lovely but she turns downright ugly with drop of a hat with seemingly innocuous comment or change of tone or even a glance. I feel like I cannot ever relax around her or be casual. I am scared of her at best and hate her guts when she has these fits. She has acknowledged her BPD and seeking treatment for it but she stil blames everything on me and according to he nothing is due to her condition. I am sticking with her because it is the abandonment that has caused her BPD and I don’t want to add to it by leaving her when she is finally taking right treatment. However it is too painful to be with her, I need support to maintain my sanity because in her world I am the Satan reincarnated.

Hey, not sure I can offer much help other than to commiserate. I just posted something very similar to your comment that although your spouse acknowledges their diagnosis they still blame you. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one experiencing it and I'm sure there are many others on this site that can hopefully offer some sage advice on handling it.
Good luck and hang in there!

I am so sorry for your experience and the conundrum you face. I am reading "married to this wonderful woman" as being true feelings.  Wonderful when things are going well, but, with severe BPD, things flip in an instant.  

I have been married to a wonderful woman for 31 years now and have suffered similarly for all of that time. The good times are wonderful and, for the first 29 years, I was convinced I was the problem. No matter what I did, I heard how I lost control, treated her so cruelly, and so on. I remember her telling me how wonderful I was and how lucky she was to have me taking care of her.  Then, 8 minutes later, I am a thoughtless bully who is controlling her. Then, 2 minutes later, she demanded I get out of the car to find another way home.

Expressing patience and gaining the ability to build a wall around yourself, remembering you are a wonderful person is critical. Strategies proposed on this site, in books, and by therapists can help, without a doubt. However, the BPD behavior always cycles back, in my relationship, at least.  

I think you want to decide what you are willing to give up for this relationship. Over the years, I have given up intimacy (for 20 years now), my career, friendships, and freedom to travel. That said, the connection I feel during the good times is so wonderful, those sacrifices are nearly worth it.

However, even after all these years, I dodge fights and barbs on a daily basis. About once every two to four weeks, I slip or she mishears one of my responses and we are off.

If I spoke with my younger-self, I would say, get out as fast as possible. I have a lifetime of wonderful memories, but I also have faced a lifetime of abuse. Now, in my 60s, I feel committed to care for this person who probably cannot survive on her own. She now uses her physical ailments as a way to control my behavior and leaving, despite her manipulation, would feel like I am abandoning her. Attempts to express how her behavior impacts me sends her into anxiety fits, worsening the situation. Consequently, I internalize by pain and feeling suicidal.  

Looking back, I deserve to feel loved, to be cherished and respected as the wonderful, patience, kind person I have become. I give that up to stay with my wife. This giving decision goes unnoticed by her, because I am the cause of our conflict and by others because she is the most amazing person to everyone who does not/ has not live(d) with her.  

I expect you deserve the same. You may chose to stay with her because you are one of the truly generous people in the world. Please go into the future knowing you have made that choice and hold onto it when your wife asks you "How can you live with yourself?"

Than you for replying to my post. It broke my heart to hear your stories. It also provided me perspective. It affirmed that I deserve to be loved, respected, understood and cherished. I cannot give up on that. Thank you for reinforcing that.

I know how cwilhelm feels because I was there once.  I ended up giving in all the time just to try to keep him stable.  By the time I ended it I was ashamed of myself.  It only gets harder with time. 

Man do I relate to this… I don’t really have advice or know what to say… but it sure is good to know I am not crazy.

My hardest thing is knowing which areas I actually need to improve on. My wife tells me all the time how horrible I am and I am so confused at this point of what things are her BPD and what I actually need to do better.

Anyways thanks for the post!

I've been married for 10 years. I have for children with a BPD wife. a therapist told me to set boundaries. for example Don't get lost in these " your a terrible person 2 hour fits. Tell her Im not tal king about this and walk away. Tell her how you feel and dont tell her What to do. My wife Sucks with money,so based on this I opened a new account and She Can't touch my checks anymore. When my wife runs Out of money she can sleep in the bed she made. Buddy take Care of your emotional needs first. If she gets puffy let the madness fly and tell your self.
 "She can Kiss my a@@." Setting boundaries is like the best thing I've ever done, She hates me for it right now, Heck, whats new? She threatened to move out and I told her do what you need too. week later I got money in my account and I get more respect. we are going to lunch today.

I was also told last week that I don't deserve her. I responded with " I deserve everything You have to offer because Ima good person. I then said I'm not talking about this and left house for 40 min. I found out I have to va lidate feelings but not acts or beliefs. if conversation turns on me I go somewhere. When she tells me what I need to do, I dont listen to that, I'm healthy and already know.