BPDFamily.com

I am struggling with my spouses former wife. She has posted things on Facebook that are damaging to her children about their father.  I called her on it and she is somehow the victim. I do not... can not... so frustrated.  With the holidays around the corner, I don't want her in my home ever again.

Am I over reacting?

I love your name, SA!  Welcome to our community.

We’ve had several stepparents here over the years and a few stepmoms are quite active now, tho’ weekends tend to be a bit quieter.  Many of these stepP’s have emotionally supported children whose bio moms/dads are the disordered parents.  Never easy.  I was one of them because of my now exH.  He was difficult, as was his exW.

Back to you. 

First, how long have you been married, how many and how old are the children?

How long ago was your H’s divorce from this woman?

Aside from these specific damaging Facebook posts, has she ever behaved or spoken inappropriately in your marriage home about their father (your husband), either to you alone or in anyone else’s presence?  Has she behaved in any way inappropriately AT ALL in your home since you began inviting her to holiday gatherings?  Do the children have Facebook and have they seen the posts?

Okay... now of COURSE she’s playing victim when called out on bad behavior.  That’s a pretty predictable go-to for disordered folks (and others) when caught in situations of their own doing and they refuse to take to responsibility.

There is a thing called the Karpman Drama Triangle, which basically has three roles - persecutor, victim and rescuer.  And as situations arise and become fluid, the roles each person plays ( may even involve only two people), can switch.  For instance, the FB post.  Very simple example.  Today there are two of you.  BPDexW makes nasty posts so she is the “Persector” and H and children (and SA) are the “Victims” (but NOT for long!).  Because SA has gumption and she calls out BPDexW for nasty posts.  So THEN... SA becomes “Persecutor” in the eyes of BPDexW, who becomes “Victim” and plays that up for all its worth AND as a bonus SA is now the “Rescuer” to H and the children who may or may not know about any of this.  And now... BPDexW will undoubtably expect YOU or your H to “rescue” her from what she’s done to begin with, which is posting that trash.  This is a simplification, but you see?

The more serious side of things is the damage that can be done by her actions.    More than the annoyance and frustration of her immaturity here, what is your estimation of the potential for real damage?

You’re in a difficult position here.  It is NOT easy to be a stepmom, and even more difficult when the ex-spouse is disordered.  SA, there are tools on this site that will truly help you understand better communication methods to use when you have to interact with her.  Just scroll to the top and tap the “Tools” button.  Great information there.  Two good beginning topics are “Setting Boundaries” and “Learning “NOT to JADE” -(Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).

In addition, you mention holidays.  If someone, anyone, is being disrespectful, I don’t believe you are under any obligation to open your home to them.  This however will need to be a decision shared with your husband through open conversation.

Please continue to post.  And above all, please be careful not to let this woman scald your relationship with your husband or the children.  That is her primary goal.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Courts typically have default holiday schedules.  Most will have parents alternate the holidays, then the next year each parent gets the alternate holidays they didn't get the prior year.

When there is conflict, it is usually best that the divorced parents don't share events together.  Sometimes it is unavoidable, such as with school graduations, science fairs, etc.

In some cases the conflict is sufficiently high that one alternative is to give the kids two of each holiday - on different dates of course - one at dad's home and one at mom's home.  Some kids are even overjoyed to get two birthdays, two...

Think outside the box, in other words.

What's your history with her?

Does she usually come over for holidays?

I don't think you're overreacting. 

It's a little unclear how or why she'd be in your house for the holidays in the first place though.  I take it Your spouse invites her?

I do not understand why you divorce someone because it's unbearable to be around them, and yet still continue to have contact like that, even if kids involved.  And if they are a pwBPD, it is going to be unbearable to be around them...