BPDFamily.com

Glad I found this forum-- my first relationship (now ended) and never knew of BPD but after friends I spoke to about how my relationship went and ended-- all were saying she had BPD-- so I guess just trying to make sense of all of this-- and maybe I never will.

We were together for 17 months and were engaged just 2 months ago.  Throughout the first 6 months of relationship-- all was well.  She did give me her background of failed marriages and relationships and how she suffered from anxiety.  She loved spending alone time and staying in bed on off days away from everyone.  But when we did get together all was very well.

Once we started being a couple-- then the episodes would happen-- mostly after she was drinking.  Most of the time when we did do things with alcohol-- she couldnt stop-- and then comments to me were bad.  "you are not fun"   "ok boss man"   "we have nothing in common"  "my son was right about you"  "Im not attracted to you"  "I dont love you"   (all with apologies the next morning and claiming drunkness made her say those things)

Then I would catch her making late night texts or phone calls-- to phone numbers that didnt have names in her phone.  I was thinking she had booty calls --- she would deny ever making these calls- but I would see her doing them. 

Always ended with apologies when I slept in another room-- or stormed out saying we are done.  She would cry, beg, plead to stay or come back to her.  She would say she is working on her committment and relationship issues--- she even finally started therapy on a weekly basis.  She did update me on these-- but said the therapy was for her and was mostly on her issues from when she was growing up.

As things got better-- it appeared we were stronger and I was so in love with her.  She had never had a house before in her life and we talked about moving in together-- I did buy a house-- and she had her 20 year old daughter move in first  while she waited out the lease on her one bedroom apartment to end.   I was close with both of her kids-- they both said I was the first boyfriend they ever liked of hers.   Her daughter came with me to pick out an engagement ring.  All the texts and in person moments we were having felt like we were one and that the worse was finally healing itself.

But as we got closer to her lease ending and moving in-- the withdrawals started happening. She would leave early on date nights, she refused to stay at the house, it was like she didnt want me around.  I felt she was lying about reasons not to get together.  She supposedly started picking up overtime shifts (which made me feel she wasnt moving in and wanted to make more money to be back on her own again instead of relying on my help).   

As soon as her daughter left to go back to college-- despite sending me continued I love you and babe texts-- she was no showing our plans and I went to her apartment to approach her and found her with another man.

She called 48 hours later apologizing-- saying she does love me and wants to fix this and she didnt know why she cheated-- but needed some time-- and 2 weeks later just asked to pick up any belongings she had at my house and is now gone.  I did not question nor talk to her at this point-- I placed her belongings outside, left and she picked them up and thats it.  (she is not in relationship with her hook up-- it was a hook up)

I guess I just dont understand the immediate spiral.  I have read some of the info on this site and has helped with a better understanding...but man it still hurts.  I do feel this is a good thing and I needed to rid myself of her-- but for 17 months I was so in love with her and she was my best friend and now I just feel like a knife is stabbed in my stomach. 

Thanks for listening and sorry for being long winded.  I couldve made this a lot longer  yikes !

So reread my post and my first line says first relationship.  It should have said first relationship with someone with mental health (BPD/bipolar) issues.   Oh I have been married and in relationships before-- but nothing like the roller coaster of this past one.   Still learning about this and glad this site is here to help

Hi darkknight.  It sounds like you are in the fresh stages of this so I wanted to say a few things that stood out to me.  One, and I don't want to put ideas in your head because I don't know your ex, she sounds like she has some promiscuity issues.  That may be the only time she cheated on you (I really hope it was) but the late night texts or phone calls sounds like she was setting up potential replacements.  It is a pattern for some with bpd, especially when they are having issues with their current relationship.  At the very least, it sounds like she was looking for attention outside of you, for whatever reason.  My ex has anxiety issues as well and will sometimes like to hole up alone with herself.  But when she wants attention from someone, she will find it.
I did want to ask, how was her drinking?  Does she have a problem with it you think or would she just go overboard when she did drink?  I only ask because it struck me as at least two unhealthy self-destructive patterns she is displaying.
My best advice, you will not be able to rationally explain any of her behavior.  Even the healthiest of us make mistakes in relationships, but you can generally explain why someone might have cheated in other types of relationships.  I am telling you, you will not be able to rationally explain the behavior.  You would have had to have been in her head at the time to truly understand it and even then she might not have been able to truly explain her reasons.
Hang in there.  Keep venting or explaining your thoughts if you have to.  We all listen here.

Hi Adrock and thanks for the reply

After re-evaluating many of the signs (and missed signs) throughout this relationship-- I do agree she has promiscuity issues as well.    She did like to stay alone and I know there were Thursday night -- drink and be alone nights for her-- she would tell me should would drink a bottle of wine and wind down.   I have NO DOUBT-- there were booty calls besides the one I caught her on.   Especially with those late night texts I caught her in.   I never was able to read the texts as she saw me looking over her shoulder-- but I did know there was no name in the phone-- just a phone number when I looked at it. 

And it did seem to me-- that when she wanted to make up-- or if she needed something-- she threw sex with her at me to reel me in.   So I do agree with your assessment.

She is youthful looking, petite and garners looks and attention at places she goes.   She has a troubled past (confirmed by her kids), and struggles financially --- so I think she may think her looks body and sex may be the only thing she has going for her-- so she uses it.  Just a thought.

As for the drinking-- I did not think she was an alcoholic -- cause she didnt drink everyday-- BUT-- she could not put a stop on it when we did go out.  We would run out of a bottle of wine and she would order one for delivery.  At the bars-- when it was time to go-- she would order another beer and say just one more-- but led to couple more.  So i thought that was a problem too.   I got to a point I was afraid to even go out with her-- I would rather stay in and away from public. 

Many many times I wanted to break away from her.  I even tried to get into therapy to wonder why I could not leave her.  Even when I ordered the ring--  two weeks later the signs were coming back and I was stuck with already paying for it.  So I regretted that--- but once it came in-- I proposed anyway-- hoping maybe the elation of actually getting a ring would change her.  It did for about 72 hours-- then it was all back again.   I believe I was being replaced already now that I look back at it.

She is back on a dating site I just saw--- it is what it is--- I am getting better now that I understand this BPD thing-- and I know she will do this to someone else again.  I am more sad at the loss of relationship I had with her kids as we were getting close and they treated me like a good friend and somewhat of a step father.  I will not reach out to them-- I am cutting all contact with everything that came from her life.

I already love this site and will be willing to keep listening to educate me and also help anyone else going through the same.  Thank you so much !

I'm glad you're trying to approach it with a healthy mindset and educate yourself more on bpd.  I get it that you miss the relationship you had with her kids.  My ex has a small child and while I never got many opportunities to establish a bond with her, my happiest memories were being at her place with her and her kid.  One thing I have learned from my own research, and most especially this site, is that everyone is different and no two are alike.  It helps me at those moments when my anger at my ex overwhelms me.  I have to take a step back and remind myself that she does not do this to hurt me.  Quite the contrary.  It's because it really was never about me to begin with.  She isn't a bad person but her behaviors could have the consequence of hurting me.  I see some similarities in behaviors with your ex.  I don't know if that will help you move forward knowing that she never set out to hurt you.  In some ways (speaking for myself here) it can sometimes make you feel worse but at least you know that you share that with her former partners.  You were just victims of how she handles her inner pain.  And yes, she most likely will do this to someone else unless she commits fully to therapy.  In the meantime, just find your own path to move forward.  I'm no expert (believe me, read my own posts) but being here has shown me, it is possible.

Thank you again--- yes I agree its not about me--- cause I know I did not do anything wrong that would lead her down this path.  IF anything-- Its possible she didnt believe she deserves me cause I treated her way better than any other prior did  (according to her family and she even told me that).  These last 4 weeks have been torture-- I cried like crazy just this past Tuesday when talking to my therapist.  But now that we have been to 4 weeks and I have taken a deep breath and decided to just work on me--- I am sticking hard to the NC and let the chips fall where they may.  I am going on the assumption I will never hear from her again and if I cant be with her-- then quite frankly thats the way I prefer it.   I really appreciate your responding-- its a huge help-- and I will read through yours as well.  If I can give any advice on how I am handling NC and keeping myself busy-- feel free to ask.  Right now its alot of working out (have a gym in my basement), doing some rehab work in my basement, and have reconnected with some friends I have ignored during the relationship and re-establishing connections and nights out with them.  Keeps me busy and away from over thinking.

DK, I am just checking in to let you know the team is around, but we do have an awesome base of members here as well and here this is the FAM because we are family here. So in saying that if you have questions feel free to fire away. Additionally, understand you are not being long-winded at all. Ha. There are plenty of us who have hit the limit for a post. So in other words...you are fine. An important thing to touch on there though is that it is always better to overexplain here. Why I say that is that it helps us better assist you and truly we do not want you holding onto any heavy negative emotions.

In the meantime please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-