BPDFamily.com

 :hi:,

I don't know what to say right now. My mind is racing from trying to stand my ground. Last night, I notified my Partner/wBPD about me not moving back to his homeland with him. It isn't going so well...

My Partner needs to move home to take care of his mother who has recently transitioned to dialysis. He has been planning this relocation for 2 months now. Yet, this whole time I have been vocal about the things I need in this relationship. In an effort to have my needs met I have stood my ground that I don't want to break up or move until the things I asked for fixed/addressed/something. These are basic things like, Myself needing my family and friends in my life, Taking care of my cultural roles, and helping my parents take care of the estate. Truly, all our friends are his friends, I miss my people.

I don't like to see him suffer and beg. Which, is probly part of my enabling codependency. He wont stop begging me and crying. At the same time I don't want to lose him but also know I have lost myself. I look in the mirror don't recognize  myself and never do the things that made me, well me. Hardest thing ever, to choose me over his abandonment tantrum.

My head so all over the place I don't even know what i am saying at the moment.

Always mean, I’m sorry to hear you’re having a tough time. You are doing the right thing and it will make or break your relationship if you stick with it. I have to say I think if a partner leaves (a relationship) over the other person stating basic rights then I think it’s for the best. I muddled through before I found this forum. I first stood up to my wife because she had forbidden me from taking photos of our first baby and/or sending them to my mother. This was upsetting my mother so much that I was willing to lose my marriage over it.

Hopefully your bf will soon understand that your terms are non-negotiable. At this point his behaviour may improve. Look after yourself. I now think of taking care of myself like a child and it’s actually comforting to have someone looking out for me, something we’re lacking;  :cursing:as caretaker to a pwbpd we don’t get the usual care you might expect in a loving relationship.

It’s crazy, my wife and I have moved several hours away (for financial reasons) and I hadn’t yet broached the subject of my mother coming to visit… But astonishingly my wife yesterday announced she has invited my mother to visit. She still craves to have control but I’ll take it. Of course today my wife announced she’s not sure she wants visitors as she is quite pregnant with our third and in her words is “not very good company”. Yes I laughed inside whilst acknowledging this without judgement. I do hope Mum gets to come up and spend time with me and the kids mostly though she’ll be staying in a hotel. I’m hoping it’s more likely to happen if I say nothing.

These relationships start out wonderfully. Then problems arise, as they do in all relationships. Because most of us who engage with BPD partners and stick with them are in ForeverDad’s words “nice guys and gals,” we overlook little slights and give in on insignificant issues.

Over time, we are asked to give in more and more to keep the peace and we willingly do so, rather than risk yet another dysregulation.

At some point, our own personal values become so compromised and eroded that we, as you mentioned, *don’t recognize ourselves*.

But there’s hope. Prior to going down this path, if we cling to and assert our cherished values and don’t compromise, we won’t end up wondering what the heck happened?

And if we’re already far down this road, we can choose to reassert our values and reclaim independence we willingly ceded.

How to do that? Often we may feel righteous anger but expressing that will not get us what we want, which is to regain ourselves yet remain in the relationship.

Rather, as thankful person mentioned, communicating quietly and firmly that some values are non negotiable is the way to go. In doing so, we stand firm and do not defend our values, but express clearly our intent once.

Hey AM, the best thing you can do is continue to post and vent. You need to share so you don't hold onto all of this. Please be kind to you and take care of yourself. The only thing I want to mention is just to be careful here. We cannot provide answers one way or the other. What we can do is listen and offer up strategies, etc.

Post as much as you need to and fire away with any questions you may have. This family has your back.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Thank you everyone for the  :help: . I must say I feel I have to proceed with  :caution: a lot lately.

Its been 21 days now since we left. He has come back across 3 states 2 different times to stay one night each time. It is constant, "So, today is your last day and you are moving down here to be with me?" However, I am relieved a little the begging has slowed down.

We have conversations about me stringing him along. Yet, I can't help but agree trying to navigate the direction here. We already know that he won't do anything unless its his idea. So this whole time me saying "I am not going, and I need to work on myself here is not a valid excuse for him." I am starting see this as disrespect because like in the past my wants or needs are not honored. The push from to move me is gaining strength. Moreover, if he does not get hired for the job he interviewed for he said he want to move back in with me in my home state.

I am really lost right now. All I have been doing since he left physical repairs to my property that have been neglected since the devaluation phase stated in the relationship. I haven't had true time to myself. Especially since he has the power to text me now being he got me a phone for birthday. I am not quite ready for phone yet. I don't trust him. I change my code everyday to attempt to set a boundary. That turned into a chaotic argument because I now have passcode on my phone he thinks I ruined all the trust that he has built for us. I held my ground and told him the passcode wasn't for him, the passcode was for me and that I have to learn to trust to. I allowed my boundaries to be relocated by him and I attempting to re-establish them.  I really would like that time to myself someday...

Do you think there could be some truth to this?

For sure. I think there is some truth to it. Only because he wont stop begging me which I have told him makes feel disrespected and the reply is "You only choose to see it as disrespectful, well its not".