BPDFamily.com

Hello, all.

Long time since last posting, just I need some clarification to my thoughts. A tell a little bit background to this.

My MIL has been living with us for almost half a year because war started were she was living before and she had to flee. Everything went very well until few months ago we with uBPDw started to have huge arguments. Now I know shes been under hard stress for last year because of the small one.

She started to bash my mother for not being with our baby enough, but also in some ways started to restrict my mother visiting here. And also restricting our visiting there, saying she's not good with the baby, there is dirty and dog and all that. Basically from what uBPDw talks like shes painting her black. Nothing good.

Two days ago when current silent treatment started we had heated conversation about my cousins child who can already walk (my wife very much hates if somebody is ahead of our child development), it again turned to my mother, about how she doesnt care (she'd love to see our small more btw). I told, well they support us a bit financially a bit at least, to me gives sometimes a twenty or so.

This made my uBPDw crazy, she ranted so much to her mother about how we are dealing behind her back with my mom, which is nonsense. Now she lied to my mother that I am stealing her mothers benefits which she receive while shes reciding with us (not true). That my uBPDw money I take, leaving her without (not true).

Now MIL started to push me getting joint account for bank that "there wont be no secrets", quesioning my right my money. I said that I pay the mortgage, electricity, and all the chores, which I have done even before my wife moved here. I always said that she can participate if she wants, and yes, she has bought food and some stuffs along, which I appreciate.

But practically I paid for her years when she didnt even get any benefits. No she just got a job and I said that it is her money.

Dont know what to think, I wont get joint account though, I dont trust so much in her. I think my MIL server uBPDw as enabler, and I sence a bit narcissism in her, which would explain why she never questions about my wifes outbursts and actions.

Thank you for letting me get this out of my head, to put somewhere.

- Lion

Hi Lion, so sorry to hear that you're going through this.  Others may chime in with something more constructive, but I can give you my 2-cents.  Basically, I would draw the line by reminding your mother-in-law that she is a guest in your home and approach any conflict from that basis.  She had to flee under unfortunate circumstances and you were good to take her in, but she's also an adult and if she thinks living somewhere else is preferable, she is free to go.  The partnership in these other matters is (or should be) between you and your wife.  Hope that helps. 

Joint bank accounts, similar to joint credit accounts, should only be started when relationships are fine and there is no risk of conflict, in other words, when there is total TRUST between the persons.

One significant reason... You lose control of your own resources.  Not that you are a controller, it is that you then expose yourself to being powerless if someone else acts badly.  What if the other person drains the joint bank account or makes huge charges to the joint credit card?

It is okay for you to keep your income in a personal account.  Similarly, it is okay for your spouse or MIL to use their own personal accounts.  Doing so can avoid major conflicts when (potentially) one decides to act inappropriately.

If your spouse insists on a joint account, that's okay too.  But be sure to still maintain your your own personal account.  Your work income comes to your personal account.  Then only the necessary money for bills gets transferred to the joint family account to pay the family bills.  This way only the current month's money is at risk.

Thank you for replies, I very much appreciate them. I got lost in my thoughts, it has just been very distressing with all the threats of divorce and moving away, not to talk about repeated questions about my bank account balance and where I put all the money in.

I think it also could be that shes just testing my boundaries, because they were already set before marriage. I wouldnt want to give in in such matter, especially when she seems that she cannot regulate her actions.

- Lion