BPDFamily.com

First post, just found this forum. Yesterday, my sister came to me to inform me that all of the trauma she has experienced is a result of me sexually assaulting her when we were children. She says that she has these vivid memories that have extreme emotions attached to them, so she knows it's true. I tried my best to explain that memories are fallible and these things she is saying happened, didn't. But she did not believe me.

This girl has had significant mental health stuff going on for years. I've come to the conclusion that she has BPD; I have an MSW and am working with children in mental health. This entire accusation is devastating, not to mention she has threatened suicide if I tell anyone about it.

She has a long history of outlandish lies...

• The time she told a teacher my Dad had cancer to get out of a homework assignment; she then said it was a classmate that did this, not her.
• The time she faked IBS because I was having these issues, and the parents started caring for her "symptoms."
• The time she faked IBS because I was having these issues, and the parents started caring for her "symptoms."
• The time she told her friends she had cancer.
• The time she told her work she had cancer so she didn't have to work over the summer.
• The time she told the family she was raped on three separate occasions by strangers but couldn't remember dates, details, and never reported this (there were many other things she said about these incidents that didn't "add" up, but we all went along with it, because she had convinced herself).
• All of the times she has been let go from her jobs for various things (e.g., drinking on the job, fighting, etc.) but she claims that she has been let go because of the things other people have done or lied about.
• The time (I suspect) she lied about her ex raping her and getting her pregnant.
  
• The accusations she has made against exes and the abuse she has endured with them
• Most recently, (prior to her accusation to me) she went on an entire diatribe about her experience with a psychiatrist who was not giving her the validation she wanted (wanted to review her meds because he didn't feel they were right, wanted to have her do blood tests, etc.). When I questioned what she was saying, trying to explain (because its my field) that these are normal things, she shut down and refused to speak about it again.

I'm truly at a loss. I don't know what to do. I've supported this human for years. We have different moms, same dad. My Mom is an alcoholic and as a result I've endured years of trauma from that; which she has heard me discuss. She made comments recently about how she "has more trauma" than me. That struck me as bizare. She is also an alcoholic, recently went to rehab, and was transferred to an intensive outpatient program, where she says she really worked on figuring this out. She claims she didn't want to break the family, but refused to hear anything I had to say, or process with me so that I could figure out what she was trying to remember. When she claims this occurred, I would have been 10, she would have been 5; she clearly believes this, as she has believed everything else she's said in her life. I'm just dumbfounded and devastated. And she told me I can't tell anyone, so I'm in this weird position of having this insane secret, that I know is not accurate, that she is using as an excuse. It should also be noted that she brought this up when I was trying to talk to her about having discussions with my parents about her mental health and job status (unemployed for over a year) and was encouraging her to have open conversations so that they could stop fighting.

Sorry this is so long, I truly don't know what to say or do. My therapist recommended I not discuss this with her further. I've been racking my brain all night trying to figure this out, trying to literally pull a memory from my brain that would corroborate her because otehrwise she is making this up, and somehow thats worse.

I agree that the timing is rather suspicious.

Would you say that you have a pattern trying to find reasons to blame yourself when upsetting things happen, especially when those things are outside of your control?

It's not uncommon for people with BPD family members to be targets of insane allegations. There's a chapter in Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr (I think, or else it's in Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning) where the author addresses these kinds of bizarre allegations, which can be repeated ad nauseum, sort of like holding someone hostage because denial can feel like quicksand in conversations with pwBPD. If I'm remembering correctly, the advice was to respond with, "We have different recollections. So where do we go from here?" Meaning, don't validate the invalid, just move to accountability, which is hard for someone with BPD because it skips over victimhood. And stick to that phrase. Focus on how she wants to repair the relationship after such a serious allegation.

If it were me, I would also match the seriousness of the allegation with the seriousness of the response. "This is much too serious to keep to ourselves."

I admit I have no patience anymore for anyone, BPD or not, who brings SI into the conversation. Suicide is violence. The way your sister equated it with telling anyone is a threat and a form of bullying.

For years, my BPD stepdaughter got a lot of people in the family stirred up about her "not wanting to live" or "no one wants me alive" or "I don't see the point of living," often in response to things like a text that wasn't answered promptly enough. She almost caused my other stepdaughter to have a nervous breakdown, because (nonBPD) SD28 was instructed to not tell anyone in the family how suicidal (BPD) SD25 felt. Meanwhile, my husband was in contact with SD25's psychiatrist about her suicidal ideation, driving 12 hours round trip to check on her. He was also instructed to not tell anyone. Same instructions to her cousins. Same instructions to her brother. Something as serious as taking her life was supposed to be kept a secret from other family members, who it turns out all knew and thought they were keeping the same secret? I mean, gah.

Now, the line is that there can be no secrets about SI, period. Maybe it's specific to our family, but shining light on these serious references to taking her life have ended, at least for now. SD25 found something that got people to pay attention to her and my fear was that she would start pushing things in that direction, with real attempts, once she discovered that words were losing their effectiveness.

If your sister is BPD she likely has terrible skills at handling things that feel outside her control. She may reach for anything that solves one immediate problem, only to create dozens more problems.

Your more consequential issue may be getting her to move out if she is living with you and not working or paying rent...if that's what's happening?

Absolutely. I'm a "people pleaser," known as the "peacemaker" in my family. It's part of my entire being to ease others' pain even to the detriment of myself. Likely this stems from my childhood. I have done tons of work on this through therapy over 9+ years.

I really appreciate that advice, it's helpful. It's kind of where I went with her like I can't admit a reality that doesn't exist for me. After posting this, I ended up speaking to my parents and telling them everything. I am not good with secrets, never have been, and secrets breed awful things in a family. My parents were astounded and definitely not on board with what she was saying. Essentially they chalked it up to more attention-seeking behaviors. So that was helpful, now I have to manage my sister and deal with this.

The living situation is tenuous. So I am 30(f) and live at home with the parents in the granny flat attached to our house; essentially I have a private apartment. In 2020, she (25f) moved home after having my parents "rescue" her from her abusive relationship. Since then, they have been paying all of her bills. She goes back to where she used to live every weekend to spend time with her "friend" who happens to be best friends with the abusive ex. So none of us believe that she is doing what she says. But, she is so manipulative that she threatens SI anytime the parents try to discuss paying rent, getting a job, or literally anything. She's out of control. And has been since she was little. No consequences, ever.

I truly feel like she's trying to hold me hostage for her own gains. Everytime she has some terrible life event happen to her, she tells me, and my response is to always get it in the open, to tell people so we can problem-solve as a family. But there is always an end game...to not get a job, to not get sober, to explain bad behavior. I mean this girl smokes so much pot daily and drinks, that I can't even understand how she has the ability to function.

All that to say, thank you. I didn't know this forum existed. I've been trying to find some way to manage my emotions, and this is certainly an outlet I can utilize.

Welcome to the forum BPDS911. It took me over 50 years to realize my sister had BPD. This forum has been a great place to seek support, get advice and learn. You are so far ahead of the game to have identified her BPD at a much younger age, and have the self awareness of the work you need to do yourself.
As an MSW, you are in a “giving” profession and others in your family may have a tendency to “over burden” you and want you to be the peacemaker/ stabilizer/ fixer, etc. My parents absolutely assigned that role to me with my sister,  and it has taken me decades of work, to reject that notion, as well intended but flawed. Unfortunately, I became an enabler and am actively trying to break that pattern.

The hateful unfounded accusations are the hardest part of living with a BPD and anyone  would be devastated by the accusation your sister made. I love that you surfaced this with your family and got some validation. In the book Emotional Blackmail, Susan Forward talks about taking all the accusations, writing them down, putting them in an envelope and “figuratively” (or actually) releasing/rejecting   them. Burning them, driving over them with your car, throwing them at a brick wall, or simply labeling the envelope “return to sender”. I took the figurative route. I have always thought of feedback as a gift when it is delivered with an intent to make you better, but at times when feedback or accusations are unfounded or don’t resonate I had problems rejecting it. I was terrified of having a blind spot. As  a people pleaser, and because of the dysfunctional peacekeeper role I played in my family,it never occurred to me that I could reject feedback that wasn’t well intended. That probably sounds crazy to non people pleasers, but might resonate with you!