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Title: Advice Post by: dtkm on August 30, 2022, 11:59:58 AM My uBPDh switches into his not nice mode every time I leave for work and every time I take one of my kids to their sports practices or games. He has accused me of cheating on him while I am at work and with all of my kid's sports coaches for a LONG time. After dealing with 2 extinguish bursts, the second of which was very big and sucked me in, I am tired! He is back at it. We had a good day yesterday, but as I got back from taking my son to his sports last night (he was out when I left to take him to his practice) he started to ignore me, be stand offish, completely ignore the fact that I had made him dinner last night and fix himself something different, not say "I love you" when I left for work this morning, not respond to my texts to him or others that text both he and I together, etc. How do I deal with this? Do I just try to keep acting as normal as possible, communicating if needed through text while I am at work and through words when at home even though I know I will get ignored, or do I do something else? I am stuck! I felt like I was making progress, then this last extinguish burst happened and I am feeling down in the dumps! I wish I could let his ups and downs...and accusations...and crap... not effect me or the kids but I keep getting sucked in.
Title: Re: Advice Post by: Cat Familiar on August 30, 2022, 03:49:06 PM It’s very hard not to get sucked in when you live in the same house. Remember with extinction bursts, you do not want to *give in* to the unpleasant behavior, as that trains them that a tantrum will get them what they want.
What I’d do in your circumstances is to say something like, “I see you haven’t responded to my texts, so I will discontinue trying to reach out so that I don’t bother you.” He doesn’t want to communicate, then don’t try to communicate with him—until he makes an effort to do so himself. That goes for being home too. If he doesn’t want to talk, then don’t attempt to talk with him. If it’s something important that needs to be communicated, leave him a note. I know this sounds weird, but in this way, you are honoring his desire not to communicate. |