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So a man I barely know approached me a couple of days ago and invited me to an event next week. I have an ambivalent relation with the owner of that location (he once failed to pay me for a gig, and is intimate friends with the man who approached me), so I thought this might be a way to mend fences, and I agreed to show up.

Next thing I know, he flatters my work and tentatively asks whether I'd like to contribute music to the event? (I'm a professional musician, and there's a piano there.) It's really short notice, and since the program said they already had music, I asked whether I could decide spontaneously, figuring he's asking about a short, informal embellishment rather than a full gig.

He says no, I have to tell him reliably. He adds some more flattery, and calls me by a bizarre alteration of my name which only the owner ever used, and which I find offensive.

So I tell him that. At this point I clocked on that he is trying to manipulate me into performing there, likely for free, and I replied that if the owner wanted me to perform there (last minute no less!), he better start with an apology and paying up.

The man now explains his insult (but doesn't apologise for it), piles on the flattery, and mixes in another eloquent insult. I call him out on it, he backtracks and suddenly calls me "unreliable".

I politely tell him that my reliability is subject to that of my business partner, and that since it was abused the first time, I'm not going to extend it on mere credit yet another time. That he can have reliability if he gives me sufficient notice and a written agreement. And that a friendly turn, if that's what he's asking for, requires a friendship first.

Now the man completely dysregulates, and the word salad gets even worse: How could anyone possibly make friends with me, seeing as I am so unreliable to begin with, that I am impossible to get a hold of, that he doesn't care if I show up or not, and by the way have a great Christmas and a Happy New Year etc.

tl;dr Man tried to emotionally manipulate me into working for free, I politely declined, and he insulted me.

I know I really shouldn't care about what is so clearly a disordered, NPD/BPD personality, but I've already had a bad day and I am close to tears.

 This sounds more of an anti-social personality behavior which is actually worse than normal PDs.

Who knows. It's entirely possible. A couple of months that guy asked me out for coffee, and thankfully we didn't find a common slice of free time – he gave me the creeps then, despite (because of?) his superficial charm. I remember him taking not finding an appointment personally, too, though it didn't prompt as grave an outburst.

Met with an old friend of ten years tonight and he was outraged when I told him. It's good to see that there are normal, healthy people after all. I've been surrounded by so many dysfunctional characters most of my life that just having a normal conversation where the other person actually listens and shows genuine interest in what I say still feels completely alien to me.

Not to take away from your feelings Sappho, but I am proud of you for truly standing up for yourself and setting a strong boundary. That is growth. I've followed along and checked in on you periodically so I like to see you getting stronger. I would focus on that positive. The experience was perhaps unsettling. And its ok if it affected you. You are naturally a more gentle, sensitive, caring person.

Don't try to be something you are not. You did good. So feel your feelings. Process them and then move on.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Thank you SC, much appreciated. It's difficult to unlearn a lifetime of conditioning, especially when it involves saying yes to everything and having to swallow your feelings, and to learn to trust one's intuition about people. – There's also that aspect that I've built up an entire persona around being stoic in the face of every adversity, not caring about anything etc., so leaning into being sensitive is a real challenge indeed.

Incidentally, last night my good friend suggested a restaurant across town, so we took quite a long walk to get there. I had asked him whether it was quiet, he said yes, but when we finally got there, it was super noisy. He asked me whether I found it too loud, I said "yes" and fully expected a huge drama to break loose, about how far we had walked, that there was just no pleasing me etc., because that's what usually happened with people in my past (never with him though). But he just smiled compassionately and said "yeah, you're actually right, it's too noisy for me too, let's go somewhere else", and we did and it was no problem. Little things like that still amaze me. It's a gentle reminder that there's a normal life with normal people out there.

Hi Sappho,

I just saw your status says 'twice bitten'... good one.
There are a lot, if it comes to seriously disordered thinking.
When I read your story I recognise a lot, also in your sensitivity.
I realise I do immediately recognise a mind that is disordered but the thing is what happens next.
If I feel like : 'oh this person is weird/angry/disordered', I automatically tend to what I feel it is they need or lack.
In general I think I can say I am quite good in sensing when somebody is not ok , uncomfortable or sad and I know what to do.
The problem is that I don't automatically percieve it as a red flag when somebody is actually already categorised in my mind as ' this is beyond normal'. I just try to fill in what they need, while fully aware that they are a bit bonkers.(sorry for the word)
This awareness was actually quite confronting and I wonder if any one relates.