BPDFamily.com

My husband wBPD of 16 years has constantly used threats, manipulation and outright punishments to control me. Over the past couple of years, with a great therapist, I have learned how to manage the situation and not be intimidated by his arbitrary lists, threats and punishments.
However, he has seen its effectiveness decreasing and has chosen a new approach. We live in a small-town, close knit community, which has the downside of being very susceptible to gossip.
My husband has taken every misdemeanor I have ever committed, both as a parent and a person, and created staggering, shocking and inflated rumors which unfortunately have the tiniest kernel of truth to them.
For  example: I had undiagnosed postpartum depression for a while (exacerbated by his treatment of me and the kids), but have been successfully treated with meds and therapy for over two years.
He wants to tell everyone (my parents; the school administration; teachers; community members) that I am non-functioning and ignore the kids' basic needs. 100% false for 2+ years, and even before that it was 90% false. But that doesn't help the rumors. It also doesn't help my kids, since he has created such a negative atmosphere about me in the home that sometimes, even my kids look at me with disdain (although my therapist and my children's therapist have confirmed that I am the stable, healthy and responsible adult in their lives ... )
I am just so sad and discouraged right now. Even if I leave the marriage, I will be battling these rumors. And my kids may not have it better off. He can be a fun and loving father ... occasionally ...
I feel like I am doomed to suffer from this relationship forever. Despite putting thousands of times more effort into my marriage and family than most people. I'm just really down right now.

It feels worse before it happens, afterwards it feels more like they are only throwing themselves under the bus. My wife has told a few things to a few people but it didn't seem to have any effect.

And there's a big chance this is only further threats, and/or he's getting desperate - if he starts rumors about you he will look like the crazy one.

How would it work for you to just look at this like something you can't control? Just be proud of who you are. Don't engage in the matter. Is someone asks about the rumors, share your truth.

The goal is to isolate you (by way of alienation) to have control over you. If you did file for divorce, he'd go on a campaign of alienation trying to get your children to reject you. Although him alienating your children from you hasn't started to happen yet, the books can be very eye-opening.

Some recommendations in order of relevance:

https://www.amazon.com/Narcissists-Playbook-Sociopaths-Psychopaths-Manipulative-ebook/dp/B07NS9YVD8
https://www.amazon.com/Out-Fog-Confusion-Clarity-Narcissistic-ebook/dp/B077SFQWZ2
https://www.amazon.com/Divorce-Poison-New-Updated-Bad-mouthing/dp/0061863262

All are available on audiobook for discrete consumption.

Hey,
I can definitely relate with everything you are saying. I have had my husband do the same to me. And when I am pregnant or vulnerable(like breastfeeding a newborn) it's always worse. It sounds like you have been working on your boundaries and so he is fighting against them now.
 I will tell you there is a lot of weight lifted off your shoulders once the truth is out. It's not easy, but if you can confide in some people about what's going on it might help for when his version of the story gets told.
Also, what is it that you want? Do you want to stay married? Do you want to seek a divorce?

15years, I can't thank you enough. I just need to remind myself of these words more often... Walk myself through the steps that I am not so proud of, and remind myself why I should be proud of myself for doing my best in a difficult and maybe impossible situation. Anyone who doesn't understand that is not someone worth my headspace.

Selfishsally (btw, you sound anything but selfish), how sad is it that it took your words to make me realize it's not my fault? I just felt guiltier when I was pregnant or after birth. My head is so messed up that even now, I actually thought it was MY fault for being less functional.
You're right. I should confide in the therapists handling the situation, at the very least! It's exhausting and draining to go through it all (I just want to forget the horrible things he says and the things he does ... ) but it's necessary to preserving the safety and well-being of myself and my children, to put the true version out there.
I don't want a divorce. I love my husband dearly (although whatever emotional connection we may have had is dead or dying) and I just think it will be so much easier to tackle his issues as a family than as a divorced couple with joint custody.
But I am preparing for divorce, if only to give myself the confidence and sense of security I need to carry on.

Yes! Lady, I get it. You are doing so much to keep the family functioning and the kids fed and loved. You are doing a great job and you are seeking more help which tells me that you are doing an even better job then you think! It is definitely time for you to be proactive, it will help you feel more secure and confident at the very least.
I am not the one to give you much help on how to build back up that emotional connection. Maybe some wise people could chime in on how to take steps toward that.  I am just here to say you are doing an awesome job and that you can do this!