BPDFamily.com

I love my husband, but I’m not sure how to handle when he accuses me of things that are not true.

I try to present a calm front when he goes berserk, but I’m getting the sense from my understanding of DBT that I’m supposed to be more animated in my response to his highly emotional weirdness….am I on the right track?….

One question of the bat, are you in therapy together?  Because if you're not, then the therapy should be his to learn how to handle emotions better, which to my understanding is the whole point of someone with bpd being in therapy, to learn how to handle THEIR emotional responses to conflict or anything else.
Another, can your clarify by being animated?  Because if you mean more emotional in your response to his tantrums ... that never ends well (trust me).  Whether you're still with the partner or not, believe me, there is nothing you can say until they have calmed down to hear you in a more rational manner.  The woman I was involved with got drunk and passed out one night when I was supposed to come over.  I spent a half hour waiting outside pounding on her door.  Then I drove home and she called me literally as I'm on my street.  She hung up on me, then called me back me accusing me of gaslighting her (something SHE does and accuses others of doing) and we fought for 30 minutes before she calmed down and was able to see my side of things.  Why do I bring this up (beyond my own journey of healing)?  You literally have to wait for them to be in the frame of mind for them to hear you rationally, and that's only if they are cognizant of the fact that they are not well in the mind.  Since he is in therapy, he must be to some degree.  My long winded point?  Don't play into it, even when it hurts.  I'm sorry you're emotionally exhausted, truly.  I think being calm is the best approach because I'm some point, they will calm down.  Emotions change and the nature of bpd is theirs change at a much quicker rate than other's people's.  It a times is a waiting game.  You are human, but I think remaining as calm as you can is the best approach.  Don't be a robot but don't snap either.  I think that is how you handle his tantrums (I may be wrong, and anyone else chime in if I'm talking out of my rear end).