BPDFamily.com

Hello Everyone,

I hope you are well and navigating your various relationships with some level of peace. I'm keeping my head above water but the water is turbulent.

I go in endless circles of estrangement and reconnecting with my BPD mom. Lately, I just don't have the stomach for it. We did a few weeks of estrangement a couple of months ago and I went back to therapy where my therapist encouraged me to significantly reduce or discontinue contact. I chose not to.

In the meantime, I joined a sangha that my mother had attended but she stopped going 5 years ago so I hoped the coast would be clear. I find enormous benefits and wisdom there. And I have not found another like it anywhere let alone within driving distance. It's a unique practice that sits perfectly with me. There I experience genuine friendships and connections. BPD mom finds out I have been going now she has to go again too. ((Didn't see that one coming lol)

I say ok we'll give this a try. Another episode of BPD reacting with rage and estrangement to an everyday family interaction is followed by ignoring me at the next sangha meeting and being cold when I messaged her about not feeling well. Ok. Then the messages start about how I am angry and find her distasteful, etc. This is true. But I don't think discussing it will help, so I don't engage. She asks if we're still on for plans this week and I say no. As expected estrangement is solidified and she announces that she wishes me well and she's not going to stop going to the sangha.

I'm torn between just stopping and giving up this beautiful thing I found. I admittedly smile a little thinking of her explaining why I am no longer coming. I consider attending online since that is an option and probably what I will do for now although I would still like to attend retreats and social events but not if she's there. And that's where I start to get really angry. This bleeping bleep couldn't just let me have this one thing.

Anyway, or I can stop going altogether. I don't want to bring drama to sangha and she'll suck me into her storm somehow. I never emerge unscathed.

Also, I have two kids that are about to experience birthdays without Grandma for the first time. And she'll do this thing where she requests visits with the kids and makes me feel like a subhuman cruel tormentor. But I need her to go away and stay away. I can't interact with her. The physical experience of it alone literally makes me physically ill. Then I start wondering if I'm the one who is nuts. But then I have to remind myself of the facts. She did this. She did that. These things really happened.

I feel like I am going to lose my mind. I know it's not like I have a lot of options, but what would all of you be saying to yourselves? How would you think about it or process it? I get torn between if I could just react to her perfectly every time maybe this wouldn't happen but then later I say to myself wait a minute, in a healthy relationship you could get annoyed with someone interrupting you without it meaning sudden death. And then I go oh yeah this isn't a healthy relationship. Remember, this is the woman who was supposed to be your nurturing caregiver who did this and did that. And the cycle repeats.

Help please ...

That has to be upsetting- having BPD mother in your spiritual and meditative space. I don't know what I would do besides stop going and a community you love is hard to give up. On the other hand, if you are the main reason she's going, and you don't go, she may decide she isn't interested anymore. Not sure you could go back then without her showing up again. What's tough is that if she's there, your stress levels are higher and you don't get the experience of feeling at peace- which is why you go. I think the online one is a safer idea- as you don't bring the fear and discomfort into the experience. It's not the same as face to face but it gives you some sense of control.

I think we all here understand the need to have some space from a BPD parent. "Even if we could react to her perfectly" isn't the kind of goal to impose on us. It makes us feel responsible for her feelings and reactions but we are not responsible for that. It's the nature of BPD to blame someone else. I think we all know this is a tough balance- space for ourselves, and some kind of relationship with a person as significant as a parent. For some, LC is a choice, for others it's NC. We choose the best way we can manage but it can be a challenge. You do have a purpose other than to meet her needs and you can meet yours.

NotWendy, thank you for your reply! It is so helpful to hear that my concerns are valid and that it's ok to prioritize myself at all. I think it is going to take a while to really clear my head and stronger boundaries around my mental health. I am starting to think that the online option is a safe option for now. I may even rearrange my schedule a tad so I can attend the one class that she prob won't attend since she usually works that time. It sucks, but I'm also thinking as lovely and important as the sangha could be for me, it might still be a worthy price to pay for my sanity.

Yes, it's a form of self care for you. It's OK to prioritize your own mental peace of mind. You will be more productive at work and a calmer mom at home, too. You are worth investing in!