BPDFamily.com

I just want to start by saying that this forum has provided me a sense of understanding and for the first time, I feel like I am not alone in my familial experiences.
Short background on me: I am a first generation woman who has had to navigate my world through a bicultural lens. My mom immigrated gated to the U.S from Mexico and my dad from Ecuador. Mental health was not a discussion growing up so my sister, who is five years older, was labeled as "difficult" and "cranky." My parents have been separated for as long as I can remember due to my father's own cluster B traits. He's a man who cared more about his pride than family. He was abusive and my mom, a woman who did not speak english, left and did her best to raise my sister and I while navigating this country. My mom is the one of the biggest blessings in my life but a single immigrant mother could only do so much.

My sister... has always been a chaotic soul. From alcohol poisonings in her teens, to picking explosive fights whenever she felt wronged, to saying the cruelest things just to win and dominate. Growing up, I always felt like it was me.. that I was useless, stupid, and a weight bringing down our little family. My sister and I spent a lot of time together because my mom had to work, my sister was the second head of the family, helping my mom translate and navigate the U.S. My sister always felt responsible for me, something not uncommon for eldest children in single parent homes. This responsibility she felt seemed to entitled her to disciplining however she saw fit. My mom and her would always argue because my sister felt my mom was "too soft" on me. My sister would always resentfully/affectionately call me the baby of the family, it depended on the context. Flash forward to my teens, my mom was diagnosed with cancer and it shattered our tiny little family. My mom lost the energy to manage my sister's fickle mood and explosive outburst. There came a time where my mom apologized to me because she left my dad so her daughters would not grow up in such an abusive environment, but she felt that me growing up with my sister was the same now that she could not protect me. My mom battled her cancer for 10 hard years, not wanting to leave us, but after she left, it was just my sister and I. No one to provide me comfort or help me not internalize my sister's verbal assaults. I love my sister, but I've also lived my whole life walking on eggshells. Once upon of time, I spent over a year not speaking to her while we lived in the same house because I just could no longer process her verbal assaults. It is one of my biggest regrets because I took that daughterly time away from my mom; however, I can not deny that I flourished during this time because no one was telling me how much I essentially sucked. It was during this time that I recognized the numerous strengths I possessed.

Years have passed since my mom passed away and my sister and I no longer live in the same state. This distance has benefited our relationship but I always worry about her lack of stability. Financially, she's well off, but she moves state to state and hasn't live in one spot for more than a year for the last 3 years. No romantic relationships, friendships that are deep and intimate, but fizzle out as soon as she moves. I have started a new family with my fiance and two cats. I can say that I am the happiest I've ever been... if my sister allows it... Occasionally, she'll still have outbursts related to "not being my number one." Not totally surprising because when we were younger, my mom pointed out that my sister was always jealous of boyfriends I had. However, now that I'm creating my own family, these outburst are more heartbreaking because now they are starting to include my fiance.. While I am grateful she loves him, I'm getting the sense she feels threatened by his family. She's come a long way with her verbal aggression, but now she cries and is manipulative.
Currently, she's staying with me and my fiance while figures out what state she wants to move to next. My fiance and I went out of town for his cousin's wedding and my sister and I had an argument. When I first got engaged, my sister said she wanted to help cover the costs of the wedding and I accepted, MAJOR MISTAKE. She feels entitled to every component of my wedding.. including my guest list. While on our trip, we were on the phone and she told me that my fiance's BIL wasn't allowed to my wedding because of his history with drinking. I told that while I understood her concerns, she can't make that sort of demand because it would impact my fiance's relationship with his family. She was very upset and starting pulling out all of the manipulative techniques. She started with saying that my wedding is the only wedding that will ever matter to her because she probably isn't getting married and that if the BIL ruins it, she'll never forgive me. Then it went into "I am you only family member, why can't you do this for me," to "his family means so much more than me." The worse was how she used my mom's memory by saying, "That man would've made mom uncomfortable, how can you have a man there that would've made mom uncomfortable, I will do anything to have made sure she was happy." She made a lot of low blows against me in my life but this one stung. The most heartbreaking part is that I have been training as a therapist for a year now, I work with CBT and DBT under a fully licensed therapist and am currently completing my masters so I can get licensed. Talking to my sister during this argument made me feel like I was talking to one of my patients/clients... it was the first time in my life that I could obviously recognize the manipulative speech, the fear of abandonment (or not being #1 in mine and my fiance's life), the blame (she told me I could never understand her because I've never been alone), and the effort to tear down the boundary I just set. It was the first time in my life that I could recognize my sister's illness. It was the first time in my life that I realize it wasn't me..
We are back home now and she's giving me the cold shoulder. I brought back macarons for her and she told me she's fine and doesn't want them. My heart is broken because I fully believe it will be my sister to ruin my wedding. She already ruined my graduation over a fight where she felt un-included in mine and my fiance's relationship (that's a whole different story).

I've suspected my sister's BPD since I started my clinical psychology undergraduate degree, but I use to tell myself, "what do I know." Now, as a training therapist, working towards licensure, working in a php, and working with cluster B patients.. I realized that I really just thought that it was my fault, that it was all me.

Now I ask you all, this beautiful community that I've stumbled across, how do I navigate planning a wedding with my sister's BPD. I want so much for her to be happy because she is my only family left..

Thanks for reading my long post.

I just stumbled upon this forum and made my own post about wedding planning, so I may not be of much help since I’m dealing with something similar with my mom.

However, what I will say is, that I’m so glad you were able to recognize that you are not at fault. There is nothing inherently wrong with you. You just want to have a nice wedding and have the people you love enjoy themselves, especially your sister. Unfortunately, I feel that no matter what we do, we will never please the person 100%. And I’m not sure how big of a wedding you’d like or the details around that, but it does get very tricky when you accept money from someone else because it does give them a form of leverage and power. Sometimes relatives that contribute to a wedding will bring some of their own guests, but telling your BIL he can’t come at all is not her decision and not appropriate. Those decisions are up to you and your fiancé. I wish I could give more specific advice but all I can say is my heart goes out to you and I wish you the most peaceful and smooth wedding as possible.

Also, congrats on your two cats! I have one as well, he’s 4, and whenever I get upset about wedding planning I play with him or I hug him and cry. I hope your kitties give you lots of love, you deserve it!

OhLittleSister, I am so sorry you are in this very difficult situation. You will find a lot of understanding and support here. It is understandable that you want to include your sister in your wedding planning but she is making that difficult for you.

It is also hard to navigate this situation because your wedding will no doubt trigger some of your sister's fears, which is likely to bring out some negative behaviors. Have you considered asking a friend to help you manage your sister during the wedding if she goes off the rails? A person you both like and trust? You shouldn't have to worry about doing that on your wedding day.

It is worrisome that your sister has gained some sense of control over the wedding by helping to pay for it. Is there any way that decision can be walked back? Unfortunately, in many dysfunctional families, it seems like money is used as leverage to continue unhealthy patterns. Would you feel more comfortable being firm with your sister if she was not contributing financially to the wedding?

With my own sister (who is younger than me but does similar things) I have noticed that if I am very calm, firm and strong in my response when she tries to bully me, the situation turns out better than if I get upset. For example, she once sent me a very ugly email attacking my son. I responded with "I will not listen to or read any more ugly and untrue statements about my son." To my surprise, she changed the subject and has not attacked him again. I think one of the keys here is I did not have an emotional reaction, which I think would have provided a "reward" that would have spurred her on.

I admire you so much for everything you've accomplished.

In spite of the challenges you've faced, and the turbulent and abusive relationship with your sister, you made a beautiful path for yourself and are succeeding like a boss  |iiii

pwBPD don't do well with big events, in my experience. I find them hard as well, especially weddings and funerals.

What do you think about having a small ceremony just you and your fiance, something for the two of you that cannot be ruined by your sister.

I was at a wedding last week and it occurred to me how jarring it is to go from the intimacy and touching nature of the vows, which always make me emotional, to the party. It's as though the two are entirely different. One is to bear witness to your love and commitment to each other, and the rest is to dance and get drunk.

There are probably many difficult ways to defang your sister prior to the day but they all require sacrifice and are likely to create drama no matter what you do. Especially if she is paying for the wedding (tremendous leverage).

I opted to marry privately because my FOO and blended family dynamics felt overwhelmingly complex. Maybe you can have it both ways, while recognizing that she will make every decision fraught with conflict.

It will be her day that she paid for and you can have yours, privately, that is precious to you.

Just a thought. There are many other ways I'm sure  :)