BPDFamily.com

BpD friend is sending me lots and lots of messages talking about HIS guilt over how he ended things with me. Including lots of compliments about how amazing I am. Mentions bad timing.

He keeps switching between describing his partner as wonderful then almost immediately contradicts him self by describing very uncaring actions by her. I take all of this with a mountain of salt cos it could be all made up. I some times question the obvious contradictions and he backtracks to describing the most incredible ways she is his ideal. How she meets ALL of his needs. Then he says he hopes I can find peace and have my needs met. I state I have that and meet my needs my self. What freaks me out is the nice descriptions of his partner make her sound like she is morphing to a idealized version of me! He attributes my hobbies to her. Says she puts him first BUT then describes actions that contradict his claims. Stability can ONLY find in a r/s with his girlfriend NOT in him self [yeah red flags for any1].

It feels like he is fishing for me to step back to more than a friend. Like a test to see if I will chase. He mentions his girlfriend wants to explore poly [big change] BUT fears losing him. It feels like foreshadowing. Him preparing to cheat on her when they go long dist. He also says he is selling his house and emigrating to make things work with her. BUT then more contradictions qbout their r/s. It is bizarre.

I feel better able to detach and process the subtle &not subtle attempts at manipulation. If I were single this would mess me up mentaly. I do care for him. I would like to have be more to him BUT I value my self too much. His blatant contradictions is crazy! He has put a short time line on when we can meet again before he emigrates for ever. It feels faked!...it feels like a big push to make me take action to prove I want him...Is this charming to pull me back, the H word?

Fear of abandonment permeates all that one does.

Imagine that you had a fear of dying because of a lack of drinking water. How would you act? Would you just go run errands and not worry that you might not find water? Would you let your bottled water supply run out a home - not worry about it?

Probably not.

You would have more water stored in your house than the average person. Your would always have a supply with you - water bottle - water bottles.

If you heard that there might be a shortage of water, what would you do? Run out and immediately stock up.

You wouldn't really value the bottle of water you have in your hand more. You would value having more bottles of water.

Fear of abandonment functions the same way. He is in a relationship. But when there are uncertainties, he immediately stockpiles more "relationship".

You are the stockpile.

Now, don't let me undermine his apology to you or his feelings for you as a person in his life. I'm just suggesting that it would be helpful to layer onto the idea of the natural actions of a person with fear of abandonment.

Thank you @Skip. I value what you wrote. He has apologized multiple times to me. His remorse feels genuine at the time. He is actively treated. I feel so sorry for him...but may be thats the idea behind his behavior. Knowledge of hos diagnosis explains a lot BUT clouds things too : ( .

"What freaks me out is the nice descriptions of his partner make her sound like she is morphing to a idealized version of me!"

This freaks me out about my ex with BPD going for my friend after our breakup. Me and my friend were like two peas in a pod. I could always give the rundown of us being like twins, where I was the sanguine one and he the phlegmatic one. We shared a ton of interests in movies, music, culture, board games, politics, everything. We even influenced each other in that regard. I realized that I was living in a limerent Platonic relationship with him! I loved the way he was super non-judgmental and always adding to a conversation, never taking anything away.

I know my ex will absolutely miss my sanguine soul and the way I lit a spark in her life, but I'm feeling devastated knowing that my phlegmatic counterpart is there now, doormatting himself to provide for her vortex of distorted feelings, doing the same over-amicable thing he did with me. I always had a point where I would assert my own needs before it all went to complete compassion fatigue, but I doubt he will have that. It's not in his character to insert his needs but to quietly assume his attention and limerence will yield fruit in the end.