BPDFamily.com

Hi there,
I've been desperately looking for some kind of help with an inner frustration of mine with my wife who has been diagnosed with BPD twice, but refuses to accept it. However, amid any kind of conflict I can be as delicate and benign as I could possibly be, taking accountability and blame for all that I've wronged, yet she rarely does so herself. Small conversations suddenly turn into borages of blame at me and all that she contends wrong with me, making me feel irrevocably small and insignificant. Up until now I've maintained myself and my own convictions knowing that I put my absolute all into the relationship. I am tirelessly investing every fiber of my being into altering/tailoring myself, my vernacular, and mannerisms to suit her needs, but it's all overlooked mostly because of my past transgressions which I can never absolve myself from. I am internally frustrated because I love her more than anything, yet I feel hurt in the worst way for just the same reason. I mean, why would you love someone that makes you feel like you're a burden on their life? It's literally the definition of cognitive dissonance. I am perplexed and heartbroken...
We've tried a multitude of marriage counselors of which none have seemed to have struck any cord with her as believes they all side with me more than her. It just doesn't seem to work. She herself has had a multitude of therapists that only last maybe a few weeks before she deems them inadequate for her needs and she withdraws. It just doesn't work.
Not to sound too desperate, but I'm reaching out because I literally just found this website and am needing to speak with someone that has experienced or is experiencing the same thing. I want to know if my feelings and perceptions are shared, and I also want to know how anyone could deal with such turmoil. Does it/can it get better? Is there ever relief from this inner conflict that I have?

 :hi: Welcome Apollopilot.
Have you taken a look at the Tools at the top of this page?

BPD is a shame-based disorder and people with BPD (pwBPD) are loath to be accountable or repentant for their faults, but are very ready to blame others.

The sad truth is that she’s unlikely to change, unless she wants to and fully commits to therapy, which can take a very long time.

That said, there’s much you can do to change the dynamics of your relationship and reduce the conflict. At first, it will seem like there’s a lot to learn, and if you are like me, you might resent that, after all you’ve already been doing. But over time, it becomes second nature and takes little effort.

For now, one of the priorities I see is to insulate yourself from her criticism and negativity. It helps no one to accept being a target of her unkindness. Perhaps it might help to realize that by offloading her anger onto you, she is trying to maintain an equilibrium away from her own shame and self loathing.

In any event, you are not required to listen to this hostility. She needs to learn to self soothe, a skill most of us acquired in early childhood. You can say something like this: “I’m upset and not at my best. I need to take some time alone and I’ll be back in a half hour.” Generally it takes at least a half hour for the amygdala to return to stasis. If she is still hostile, repeat the process. You deserve time away from her verbal assaults.

Apollo pilot, welcome to our group. You are definitely not alone. I came here about 18 months ago in a similarly desperate place in my marriage. Whilst desperately trying to please my wife and get everything right, (a failing to please her) I was actually getting everything wrong. I have learnt so much from the reading I’ve done and the good folk on here. There is hope. My marriage has improved immensely with no effort whatsoever from my wife. I learnt to validate her feelings and not argue which calms her. I learnt to look after myself and stand up for myself. She respects me more and most of the time is so much more rational and reasonable. If you get a chance to read “stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist” I highly recommend it. I wish you all the best.