BPDFamily.com

Hello, I'm new here, but before I ask my question, I wanted to first thank the creators of this website.  I came online looking for sanity, and that's exactly what I found.  I feel so much better after having read through some of the posts- and I don't feel so alone. 

The question I typed into the search engine (that brought me to your website today) was: 'are people with BPD capable of forgiveness?'  I am engaged to a man with BPD.  I've forgiven a lot over the last few years.  But this time it was me who made the mistake- and now that I'm asking for forgiveness, I'm not getting it- at least not completely.  Right after it happened, he told me he forgave me.  But since then, it seems like any time he gets annoyed with me, he brings up what I did.  Almost like it's convenient.  His 'episodes' last 2-3 days, during which time I'll receive a barrage of hateful texts about how I wronged him, what a terrible person I am, and how he's not sure he can forgive me.  Once the episode is over, I am forgiven again, and all is well... until he decides out of the blue that I'm not forgiven. Then I have to relive the entire argument all over again.  It's beyond emotionally taxing. 

So I'm here asking if anyone else has ever experienced this lack of forgiveness with a BPD partner (i.e., you can forgive them when they do something wrong, but they don't forgive you if you do something wrong).  I'm also wondering what your thoughts are (in general) on forgiveness and BPD.  I'm starting to think that I'm only forgiven if he thinks I'm worthy of forgiveness on that particular day.  As I'm sure you've experienced, it's very difficult to have a conversation with someone with BPD about something they've done wrong.  My fiance is very sensitive to any perceived 'attack'- and goes on the offensive if I attempt to bring up something I'd like him to stop doing (or do more of, whatever the case may be).  Overall, he's very sensitive to anyone giving him direction of any kind. So I choose my battles as best as I can- and usually I choose not to battle at all.  Arguing with my BPD fiance is like arguing with a drunk person, in that most of the conversation doesn't make sense.  With that said, I'm wondering, is there any way to demonstrate to my BPD partner just how many times I've forgiven him, and that I expect the same from him (without him flying off the handle and ending things)?  I love him very much, or else I wouldn't be here posting- so leaving him is not an option.  I want him to feel supported and loved, so I tell him that often during any difficult discussion- because I don't want him to feel abandoned.  I just need to know if there's any advice you have about how to approach this particular subject.  Thank you all in advance for the support you lend, not only to me, but to people with BPD. 

 With that said, I'm wondering, is there any way to demonstrate to my BPD partner just how many times I've forgiven him, and that I expect the same from him (without him flying off the handle and ending things)?

I think you are expecting a different way of thinking from someone who has disordered thinking. As much as you want to influence his thinking "make him see you like you see him"- this isn't something we are capable of doing for anyone- we can't change someone's internal thinking.

I think the term "forgiveness" is abstract and can be a personal meaning to someone. I also think it's a difficult thing for everyone to do- and it doesn't mean we forget. But forgiveness also involves a solid sense of who we are- and the ability to forgive ourselves as well.

I think it's difficult for someone with a PD to make a sincere apology as admitting to a mistake causes shame and is a threat to someone if they don't have a solid sense of self. Looking outward "projecting" uncomfortable feelings is a way of managing them. So if your fiance is feeling uncomfortable, he may look at the "thing you did wrong" as causing them as a form of projection and so bring up the issue.

Sometimes a person does something that the other person can not find a way to forgive them for. I think this can vary from person to person.