BPDFamily.com

Hello- I'm not sure where to start, but here goes. Two months ago, my 25-year-old daughter let me know she didn't want to have anymore contact with me. At the time, I was frankly a bit relieved, but now I am full of sadness and worry for her. In one sense, I understand that she needs time to establish herself fully independent of me (she cut off contact with her Dad last year.) But because it all happened at a time when I finally set boundaries and stuck to them, I can't help but feel that I'm the one who has done something terribly wrong, and I somehow deserve this cutting of ties.

So I'll try to work backwards from this severing of ties. My last conversation with my daughter came when she asked if I would be a co-signer on a new apartment lease so she could move in with a roommate and have lower rent. Her plan was to break the 1-year  lease of her current apartment, a studio which I helped her find when she decided to move back to the Minneapolis metro (where I live and she grew up), and which I agreed I would pay the first six months of, to help her get more solidly back on her feet. Her general plan had been that she would secure a steady job within those 6 months that would bring in enough money for her to pay her own way. But by July, she still didn't have a steady job (she's a musician and can occasionally pick up freelance gigs, but never enough to bring in more than a couple hundred bucks a month). To give a bit more context, I willingly paid the lion's share of her college costs (her Dad was an unreliable contributor), and I had made it clear that she would need to pay her own way in the world once she graduated. I kept giving in, though, "lending" her moving expenses when she moved East, paying for groceries when she was sick and feeling low, and then ultimately paying for another 6 months rent when she moved back to Minnesota. I knew I was partly responsible for her not being willing/able to support herself, but I kept wanting to believe she was on the cusp of "making it."

And given her mental health struggles, she was really hampered in figuring out a path forward. But after so many years of supporting her only to find her unable to finish what she set out to do, I had begun to realize I needed to set a financial boundary. I knew she would make it uncomfortable, but I didn't think she would just cut me out of her life. Anyway, I had to tell her I didn't feel comfortable co-signing a new lease, as I didn't see how she could make the rent payments, and I didn't want to be on the hook for a whole year's rent. She accused me of caring more about my bank account than my daughter, and said that I was so "ableist" in not seeing that her mental illness as a disability that would always mean she would need help with day-to-day life. (This was especially ironic, because we had just a few months before had an argument because I suggested her inability to hold a job more than 4 or 5 months demonstrated that she had some unsolved mental health issues.)

So about those mental health struggles. My daughter has struggled with ADHD (inattentive) since first grade onwards, as well as depression and anxiety since about age 10. Even so, she's tested in the "gifted" range for intelligence, and has enormous creativity that she applies to music, writing, crafts, and so forth. She sought treatment for both ADHD and depression, and did well enough to graduate near the top of her high school class, and she seemed to be moving forward. But it was apparent just after she left for college that her various conditions were becoming more and more pronounced. She was always behind in her classes, she began self-medicating with alcohol and pot (something I only learned about later), and she began to question whether she had chosen the right school because she no longer wanted to pursue journalism. By the end of the first year, she had several incompletes that she spent the summer finishing. In her third semester, she checked herself into the hospital when she began to have intense suicidal thoughts. While in the mental health ward of the hospital, a psychiatrist diagnosed her with BPD. He recommended that when she returned to school, that she find someone who offered DBT counseling. She finished out the semester, and then came home to take a semester offer and work on her mental health.

This was our most tumultuous time, with my recommending we find an intensive outpatient program for her, and her only agreeing to return to weekly appointments with the therapist she had seen back in high school. With the rest of her time, she watched tv, surfed the web, and smoked a lot of pot. However, during that time, she did make a decision that she wanted to move forward with something more creative and decided to transfer to a school that offered BFAs in film and/or music.

I've gone on for way too long already, so I'll try to wrap up more quickly. The milestones:
- Daughter begins DBT program while at new school, and finds much relief--appeared to be thriving
- But despite being in her new school for 3 1/2 more years, she keeps racking up incompletes and never graduates
- While still in school, she declares herself non-binary (at this point, my daughter was not yet a female-- he was a guy who became non-binary and began wearing feminine clothes), and joins AA to get sober from both alcohol and pot.
- Once officially ending school, she got a decent job in a coffeeshop and I agreed to help split rent payments with her so she could get herself established in the music scene there.
-After about 6 months with the new plan, she quit the job, declared herself female, and made a cross-country move to Baltimore to live and make music with her best friend from college.
- After 6 months and two jobs, and a giant falling out with the best friend, she decided she would come back to Minnesota and start over.

One final point--somewhere along this journey, my daughter rejected the idea that she suffers from BPD. In her view, the psychiatrist who diagnosed her was homophobic/transphobic, and his pointing to her indecision about her sexual/gender identity as evidence of BPD meant his diagnosis was wrong. She admits to depression and anxiety, and has recently begun to think maybe she's bipolar. I honestly don't care about the diagnosis. I've gone through the Family Connections program and find that most of the skills I've learned have (or *had*) been useful for our relationship. But given our recent severed ties, I'm struggling to make sense of why we couldn't stay connected (as well as just plain missing her). I understand she needs to let go, and I need to trust that she can make it on her own. I do know one of her best skills is building a support network, so I hope she's leaning on that network and weathering this new stage. But how do I move on?

If anyone has any words of advice or support, I'm all ears!

Hi MollyinMinn,
Welcome to this group. 

I was curiously reading what you wrote and drawing some parallels to my own situation.  Thank you for the lengthy explanation, it really did help me.

I think because the identity thing is huge with people with BPD, we can see large shifts in who they are from year to year.  I am speaking from my own personal experience of having a mom with undiagnosed BPD and a step daughter I suspect is BPD.  For example, some years my Mom had severe depression, gained weight and was almost anti social.  Other years, she worked out, threw regular parties with friends, and seemed to take on my Dad's narcissistic qualities (ego, driven, cocky).  It was strange to see the same person acting so differently from year to year.

With your daughter...I get what she's saying about her therapist, I think.  She doesn't trust the diagnosis because she's transitioned, and believes her therapist has a stigma against "people like her."  I do see the theme with my people with BPD, they always feel different.  But the idea is a projection, most likely (that is one of the hallmarks of the disease), because deep down, your daughter knows that she is the one who is really unsure of who she is a lot of the time.  Her therapist is afterall objective, right?  Have you watched the videos at the Family Connections website?  The one coming to mind is the one where a woman with BPD describes being a different person from one year to another, to fit in with a peer group. 

I think my step daughter does this too, although I didn't meet her Dad and thus her until she was 19.  But according to her Dad she went through an Emo phase (that's stands for emotional, I think?), where she identified with others with mental health struggles.  At some point in Highschool, she latched onto a boyfriend and his family who are in a very strict religion.  They are now married.  That seems to me to be a completely different identity, where "faith will heal all."  This is now the opposite of accepting a mental health label, and she in fact rejects all ideas that she may need help.  My step daughter is high functioning, and has 2 young children now.  She also works in an artistic field.  However, relationships are a real struggle for her, so I suspect that she will continue to move jobs often - like your daughter - she makes friends, but those friendships end quickly.  She is always in crisis, her Dad was her person until he set boundaries.

I know all about the grief you're going through, and I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story as it helped me.  I'm sorry I don't have better advice.

My husband and I are currently estranged (her choice) and just grieving still.
 :hug:
b

Hi MollyInMinn
Thank you for your post. You have been on a long and difficult journey - as all of us the come here have.

There is nothing quite like the pain we experience along the way, and then the awful pain in our hearts when a loved one cuts off communication. For me I have always been torn: when dd is around life is so difficult, so odd, and exhausting.

When dd removes herself, the initial experience is one of relief, then the anxiety grows and the sadness becomes painful.

In our journey with a bpd loved one, so much is out of our control. You have loved/supported your dd and you were perfectly entitled to put in place the boundary - it was all very logical and really was to benefit dd in the long run.

We live constantly walking a tight rope - it seems as though to stay connected we have to just give in to what the other wants - and of course we can't live like that for ever.

There is a real sense of loss and how to cope with that is a hard question and I don't really have answers. In my case I relied a lot on trying to think positively in a couple of ways:

First of all I kept reminding my self that I had done all that I could (as you have). My mind would get overwhelmed with 'What if I  . . . ' and I would try to cut these thoughts short and remind myself that I had done all I could - it was not/is not my choice to cut off.

The other thing is to send positive and loving thoughts 'out there' ie through space - to my dd. It helped a great deal.

The last thing is to make sure the pain and grief doesn't take over your whole life. When I feel overwhelmed, I say to myself 'I have every right to feel this way but today, I will sit down and think about it at 5pm for one hour'.

I know it sounds odd but I think it helps because it acknowledges the validity of the feelings and makes a space for them in your life - at the same time making sure it doesn't take over your whole life.

I hope there are some ways that can help you deal with this painful situation.

I am so sorry you are separated from your child. I am in the exact same situation. I have not seen her nor spoken to her for 3 years.  We tried some family therapy but I couldn’t handle the anxiety and stress of that. I miss the daughter I knew when she was growing up. I don’t know this person anymore.
The only advice I have is if available getting involved with NAMI
may be helpful if you are in the USA. I just read Randi
Krieger’s book “Stop Walking on Eggshells for Parents”.
Perhaps you would find these helpful. No magic bullets
anywhere. Hang in there and try to find a bit of joy each day.

Thanks beatricex, Sancho, and Mary Jean for your support and encouragement. I feel such relief just to know that my pain is understandable to others, and that in itself gives me reason to hope.

Beatricex, I appreciate hearing about your Mom's and your step daughter's shifting identities--different details, but the same concept as my daughter's shifts. Its easy to forget that these changes will continue to surface in different ways. I had sort of hopefully thought-- ok, she's now transgender and all the major changing is done.  That's probably not the case. Just recently she has radically shifted the style of music she plays-- from bluesy rock to super technical electronica. She's always searching for "the real me."

Sancho, I really appreciate the suggestion that I can "schedule" when I choose to feel/deal with my grief. My ability to move forward with my life goes up and down day-to-day, but it's not occurred to me to be proactive and let myself schedule when I can clear away the cobwebs, so to speak. And you're right about giving myself the gift of sending positive thoughts to my daughter--such a boost that gives me, even if she decides not to respond.

Mary Jean, I totally understand the idea that you don't know the person that your daughter has become--that's part of my source of grief. I occasionally let myself hope that if/when she does open the door a crack, that she'll let me express how I do want to know and understand her as she sees herself in this new chapter of her life. But I've learned before that the more I push, the faster and further she pulls away, so I'm just trying to view the present as time for me to work on myself and who I am in this new stage as a truly empty nest parent. I've got lots to be grateful for--a darling new husband (we've been together for 7 years, but only decided to marry this year), a fulfilling job, and enough health that I can pursue the hobbies that I love (some with hubby and some solo). So yes, finding joy is so important to carrying on!

You've all given me lots to think about and I hope I can be helpful to you and others on this board. I'm so glad I've found this site!