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I feel like I'm going crazy. Since I was seven my mom would regularly have rages, and would scream at me every night. She would also namecall, insult, and say things like "You're pure evil", and "Where did I go wrong as a parent?".  In therapy, my psychologist said it sounds like she has BPD (not just because of her rages, but her desperate insecurity, mood swings, and her view of herself and others, among other things).

Anyways, I feel like I'm going crazy because the good in her is SO good. Most of the time she is loving, sweet, funny... almost like the "mother goddess" archetype. But sometimes it's like she becomes possessed by a parnoid, hurting, raging demon or something. I feel like I'm the problem, that I'm being self-pitying, dramatic, and dwelling too deeply on the past. When I argue back during a screaming match or say something rude I think it's proof that she's right, and I'm the problem.

Objectively I know that her behavior is not normal, but I can't shake the suspicion that I am creating a problem that doesn't exist. That I'm a bad daughter who is coneveniently pinning all her flaws on her mother. Does anyone have any advice?

Welcome Apric0t   :hi:
You shouldn't blame yourself for others people's bad behaviour. You said
So sorry to hear about your mothers struggle, I understand how badly this will be effecting you. None of that is your fault. A seven year old isn't intrinsically evil. Sounds like your mother (like mine) is struggling to cope, has mental health issues that makes her act out. You just happened to be there. Your mother is an adult and hence responsible for her own behaviour, it may help her guilt/depression/etc... to project blame away (we all do it) but it's important you don't take invalid criticism on. Focus on what helps your own sanity right now.

Hopefully others will add to this, as I'm not on the forum much. It's good that your mother shows a lot of love, maybe that's her true self and the raging is when mental illness takes hold (again not your fault). If you feel you're "going crazy" maybe back away from the blame projection. There are lots of techniques on here to help with that, ( low contact, J.A.D.E. etc...). Be good to yourself.  :hug:

Hi Apric0t,

One of the things we do in life is learn to control emotions -- regulating emotions, learning to regulate them, is part of growing up and becoming an adult. Your mother is and was an adult when you were 7. What she had were tantrums, blaming you when her behaviors were far more out of control than what anyone would expect from a child. She was in the wrong, even if you were, if that makes sense.

If you were having a tantrum, or acting out, it was her job to help you learn to regulate your emotions. Calling you names or raging at you would not help you learn to regulate yourself, and in fact probably made you feel shame or guilt without understanding she put those feelings there. You never got to learn the healthier lesson, which was how to see the perspective of your behaviors in terms of what was best for you and others.

We understand toddlers will have tantrums but it's generally expected that adults will learn to not have them.

Nothing you did as a child warrants the kind of response your mom gave.

Having BPD makes it challenging (especially without therapy) to accept that a good child can have bad behavior. Your mom would interpret bad behavior = bad child. Whereas most of us go through a developmental stage where learn to understand that good people sometimes do bad (or naughty, in the case of kids) things.

And vice versa, even bad people can sometimes do good things.

It sounds like your mom experiences splitting, which is very confusing -- not just to kids but adults too.

When she is in paranoid, hurting, raging demon mode, she quite literally cannot maintain a consistent image of you. If she gets triggered (which is something she is accountable for, not you), she cannot hold you in her mind as one person. You become the "bad" daughter and the "good" daughter is out of sight, out of mind.

It sounds like you are able to see her as a good mom who does bad things -- and that you have been raised to believe that black/white thinking is kinda normal (e.g. either she is wrong, or you are wrong).

Both can be true. She may be acting badly, and you, feeling provoked, act in ways you later regret and aren't proud of.

But in the end, she is the parent. She was the adult. For her to ever see what you see, she would have to choose therapy and treatment, and that isn't easy for someone with a PD.

As a result of this resistance to treatment, many of us here simply try to prevent ways of making things worse, like using techniques HappyChappy mentions, such as JADE.

It's not normal to scream at a 7 year old every night. I'm so sorry you grew up that way. Fortunately, you're someone who reaches out to learn and understand and heal. It is remarkable how much we can heal ourselves and our childhoods by willing it to happen.

 :hug:

This is worth repeating. Children should not be cast into the role of managing their parents' emotions. Neither should adults, but it's especially damaging to children who don't know any better since children are developing their own senses of themselves.


Are these her words or yours?