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So, recently the ambivalence of the message and overall tone of the message she broke up with me has triggered and unnerved me every time I stumble upon it in my thoughts.

It's been two weeks since iniating NC and three weeks since I received the breakup message and for some reason I'm really having a hard time putting some pieces together.

The gist is this:

1. I ask her for an update on our break.
2. She tells me, in a very casual, matter-of-fact manner that she's been meaning to contact me about that. Says we could meet up that same day if that's okay with me. This is very telling because we had just taken our longest ever period of NC before this and she is being so cavalier about it.
3. I smell the coffee and tell her that it sounds like she made up her mind. She did. I ask her to tell me over text. She acts all wholesome and asks me if I really wanna do it this way. I tell her yes.
4. "I've thought about this a lot and have come to the conclusion that I don't want to retry a relationship with you. I've talked with so many people and the result of those conversations has always been that we are just not happy together. It was not an easy decision but one that had to be made. It's for the well-being of both of us. Please empathise that the decision was not easy to make. "
5. I get hysterical, she blocks me, next week we talk again, turns out she had went on dates with my best friend a few times during our break. She gets her stuff from my apartment and we initiate NC.

So. What is doing my head in is the deliberate, wholesome and somewhat aware tone of her breakup message. To me it feels like it's in conflict with everything else. Taking the break to ethically cheat, learning in a two week span you need to just breakup after two years of dedicated r/s, off-handedly revealing your intentions to ditch me, even selling me the "we're just not happy together". Not a single mention of her crippling disorder, no responsibility over her actions, just "better off separate".

My take on what probably happened:

The elation of succesfully latching on to somebody to get her through the breakup enabled her to be so calm and serene about breaking up with me. She didn't necessarily split me black, she had perhaps actually talked to other people BUT she was probably not telling them the whole story. If you tell people you have issues and are in a rocky relationship, they're not going to tell you ditch the r/s unless they are like teenagers and/or trying to get in your pants. On top of that, I told the 3 closest people in her life (her two besties, and her stepmom) of the cheating and none of them had a clue what was going on in our r/s! They only knew we had broken up! The stepmom was sad and the besties confused. So she had not talked to at least them about it. Mind you: she does not have a lot of close friends. Or friends in general. I do not know who she was talking with, presumably someone detached and distant enough so she would feel safe, and that kind of pulls the rug on the wholesomeness of it all.

After having to use one of her besties as a middleman to communicate about and arrange for her to pick up her things since she blocked me everywhere, she asked me if we could just "leave each other's close people alone". Which I understood in the moment but what later on started sounding suspicious. Really sounded like she wanted the web of lies to stay intact. I told her I would not keep quiet about her escapade and did in fact tell her stepmom and the besties of what had happened. She blocked me again and we have been in NC since.

Do you understand my confusion? I would have preferred to have been split black to this vague wholesomeness that betrays my heart to feel she was in better control than she actually was.

I experienced the concept of "ethically" cheating. My ex called us over while still living with me. In her mind, she was free and not cheating  :(

I had to live with this for about 4 months until she moved out, but in her mind she was clear  :wee:

Though she did. I had a friend many years ago who said that even if the guy was engaged, he wasn't married, so she was justified *gag* I cut that friendship off later, only partly because of that.

My ex told me things that she told her friends about or r/s, intimate and embarassing things to me, and what they told her. If I were you, I'd toss those into the  :cursing: file. It can get into your head.

Where do you think you'll go from here?

You were too oblivious. When a bpd say we need a break to reflect on our relationship or whatever the reason, it means they have gone on monkey branching. They are not reflecting on the relationship during this time, but cheat on you with others. 

My ex said the same thing about taking a break, but she used the time to go on multiple dates on hinge. When I called her out, she ghosted and block me. That was the last time I talked with her. 

What your ex did was classic bpd behavior taking a break. Now you know, don’t be angry. Just know that you were used.

Yeah. My ex would block me the instant I told her my friend confessed to seeing her. Then went on posting suggestive pictures and captions on Instagram lol. The two really deserve each other.

Yeah you story shares many similarity. Especially when she wanted the 2 weeks break to reflect on the relationship, but use that to further her affair or dating life instead. That betrayal hurts deep. You got my direct message?