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I was blindsided twice, the first time he was very upset, devestated, took a few weeks off, but spoke all the time. But the second time was cold, distant blamed me ,etc. Jeklyl/Hyde.
This was after 2 years and me 100% confident of the love I felt the whole time except those 2 days. Confusing as hell.
Anyway, that day I never anticipated never speaking again.I almost feel this is not my life that is how happy we (supposedly) were.

However, he waited 8 months to contact me after telling me about the breakup and not talking to heal, move on, etc  to ask me a question about something that happened about 6 months post bra3kup (I accidentally screenshot his profile when turning off my phone..long story but accident that didnt' seem like one-- but I was sad to see him on my map near a location I was going to.. at that moment and the device did took a pic instead of shutting off)
 
In that text...He was very engaging, answered me right away as we went back and forth and offered to answer questions I had. I was going to but family came unexpectedly, so I said ,"Later would be better for me, so thanks".  Didn't answer with an ok..I have no idea why but...

Saw him the next day out and in passing, and he avoided me. and ignored me like strangers. YET..we saw each other and continue to see each other at a club activity the next night and now weekly where he is cordial enough when he has to be.

However...still if I pass by, or we are near each other..avoids me, won't say a word. Will even look at me and not say hello.

I have no idea why but it hurts to feel cast away and angers me too.

At the same time, I feel he is controlling his behavior not to look bad to others (Bc really if I were to open my mouth he looks like a jerk about what happened).  Yet he is  controlled enough to the next day to intentionally pretend me never knew me and erasing me/us. Like 1:1 his is like this.
 I was not expecting best friends but am an adult and after the time/way we were w each other I just expected cordiality and respect. Simple hello if we ever crossed ways in life.

So..Is it normal to behave this way and able to control it in public for the image? Oddly, he still has me on maps, and his profile has a link of the 2 of us (so anyone who goes to his page sees that when the click..it's us), follows my media and likes.. watches stories (tho I think he has me muted since he has seen me in public).

It really sucks I wish I could stop thinking about it daily.  Is this bc he hates me for what I don't know or it it about his shame in behavior? I cannot imagine making it worse..lkke just say hello. This is yet another round of hurt for me.

thanks

Hi VeronicaL,


This was one of the qualities about disordered people that it took a long time for me to fully accept.  They connect and disconnect from people in a very different manner.  For me, my attachment to people is more contiguous, in the sense that because I was once attached to them, I don’t become detached without a lot of time having passed and even still I might still feel attached to them because of our history.  For disordered people, it’s like their attachment is a light switch: on or off.  And it can be on or off in an instance.

So in once instance, the rapport feels familiar like it never changed.  Then in the next instance, nothing…. This can feel unnerving for non-disordered people to witness in their disordered loved ones.


I ran into an old high school prom date who I believe (now) is disordered.  I was with a friend who was also acquainted with the woman (so it wasn’t just me).  I just wanted to say hello (we had parted ways in a less than ideal fashion) and express some regret over how things ended.  However, she proceed to indicate that she did not know who I was (or who my friend was who also recognized her).  She then apologized for not recognizing us (the prom was only 6 years previous - it was not ancient history).

Maybe she completely blotted out all memory of me.  Maybe it was an honest reaction due to the nature of her disorder.  I don’t really know.

It’s hurtful and angering because it’s a complete invalidation of you as a person.  You no longer exist to them.  And how they felt about you never existed to them.  It feels like some kind of effort to mess with your mind.  But I think it’s sincere behavior.  Sincere, disordered behavior.



It might be common behavior for someone who is disordered.  However, I would not qualify it as “normal” behavior.


It sucks.  It’s a kind of grief-work that you will need to attend to for sometime.  Don’t think too hard on the rationale behind his behavior - just trust that it is disordered.  Or if you are like me, then you may devote quite a lot of time trying to understand the why; whatever it takes to help you accept the truth.

Best wishes,

Schwing

Thank you. Yes, I am a 'why' kind of person, in all that I do. 

In this case, that coupled w being very disappointed about how it was handled just makes me play the tape over and over (when I let the thoughts creep in).

I'm at the point bc I am not even sure he knows how he made me feel...I kind of want to write a letter detailing alot, as well as correcting some assumptions from the breakup. If anything..that is what is blocking me from moving on( Feeling that he believes his assumptions and rewriting the narrative ...as correct).

And you're right- I do feel invalidated and forgotten. Bc to me when you are close to someone, it does not erase. Also...I am having a hard time bc he never showed these almost 2 years of dating..So a light switch could be on that long w no indicators?  Perhaps he knew...once he said to me "It won't be fair to you, it is very selfish of me and not healthy. It's just not going to be good". I had no idea what he was talking about but maybe he was truly afraid of the switch going off for good. He seemed so blaming that night, and said 'this made it all worse"..What the heck is it. ;/

That is exactly me..I kind of don't quit till I feel well versed if it is important to me. But it is my way of healing...always.
Thanks for your input :)
'

Hmm...Definitely does not seem like the behaviors of a mature person. But have you broached the conversation with him about this, expressed your personal thoughts about it, and explored his thoughts & feelings behind it?

If you have - what happened?