BPDFamily.com

I feel like I'm worn out. My FM, no matter what the topic of conversation is, has to be right.I don't get my opinion heard without it being cross-examined and negated. I'm so tired sometimes that I just give in. Now I'm not wanting to say anything when asked because I feel my thoughts aren't validated anyway.
Is it common for BPD people to need to be right all the time?

It is common for people with BPD to want to be right all the time and to want to be in control. Saying things to them that they don't want to hear just leads to them denying your reality. In my experience, it is best to respond with as few words as possible or none at all.

They are highly sensitive to feeling “less-than”, and feel shame when other people express opinions that do not align with theirs, and this is why they must make you out to be “wrong”. They do not have the cognitive flexibility needed to be able to “agree to disagree” and it is necessary to be on the same page with them about everything at all times. It really is a mental disability.

My brother recently converted to Orthodoxy and since I have no interest in converting somehow this makes him feel like he is “wrong” or “less than”, and so the only option he sees available to him is to dissociate himself from me because in his extreme all-or-nothing, black and white thinking, he cannot tolerate whatever painful feelings that arise in him when we have a difference of opinion.

At least that’s my understanding. All told, it really sucks to have family members like this because it makes it pretty much impossible to be able to have any kind of real relationship. 

I've actually known a lot of people like that that aren't borderline. And I don't think my borderline mother is like that... With me anyway. Maybe partly because I am "educated" and she isn't, which somehow made her feel much smaller than I, and "looks up to me" to help her understand things...

Anyway...

I think I was like that myself when I was in my early twenties, to be honest. I am less like that now... But sometimes it still stings to be clearly wrong about stuff. I got better in admitting it, and to recognize the other is right... I've come a long way. It was directly linked to my low self esteem, and low tolerance for criticism... Bear with me, I was criticising myself so much already by myself that any added criticism by anyone else felt like the world was ending. I would be deeply ashamed and just... Lose myself completely.

But yes, I must have been exhausting to deal with.

But all this to say: I don't think this is so much BPD as a personnality trait that can develop following deep neglect? And that everyone has, really, within a certain spectrum?

Anyway... Sorry you are worn out... Self-care and self-validation might help... What do you do for self-care right now?

Couscous articulates it well.

In my experience they do have to be right most of the time. It comes out in other forms too:

- having the last word, last txt, final decision
- rarely saying sorry (for both small and large things, things they got wrong)
- not hearing intent of what you say (let's say it is a young child, or an adult that is flustered or upset
- not really asking questions

I agree that it’s not really a BPD thing. I didn’t realize this till now, but it’s actually a common cognitive distortion.

14. Always Being Right.

We are continually on trial to prove that our opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is unthinkable and we will go to any length to demonstrate our rightness. For example, “I don’t care how badly arguing with me makes you feel, I’m going to win this argument no matter what because I’m right.” Being right often is more important than the feelings of others around a person who engages in this cognitive distortion, even loved ones.

Empathy has a wide range.

Good to highlight... BPD is so in the shadows and challenging that I think it is easy to lump all of our grips and problems into the bucket.

From my observation of my wife, I would say "yes" -- all the time

This comes with the caveat, that I too feel as though I have that 'need to be right' especially when I know something is true, but it is not nearly as pronounced as hers.  I also keep quiet, when I don't know...