BPDFamily.com

So yeah. I stalk my ex on her socials. And I just found a TikTok by her which was just her smoking a cigarette with the sound "Nothing like losing your mind over an ex that fukken ruined me. Nothing like it." With hashtags about breakup, being an abuse survivor and a survivor of narcissistic abuse.

I don't need people telling me I should not stalk my ex. In a way I'm absolutely vindicated. I had a hunch she had split me black and boy was I right. This was the type of material that I wanted to see, even if it hurts me.

Hurts like hell and made me almost have a panic attack. But I reckon detaching will be easier now. Much of my fear of being replaced by a better guy and all that jazz has vanished because she is absolutely out of her goddamn mind and I am so much better off just not bothering for a bit anymore.

This whole circus turned out to be such a textbook example of a BPD relationship that I'm almost in awe of the sheer perfection of it.

Yes, it's a mindf***, isn't it.  You holding up your boundaries equate to you being the abuser.  It's the rewritten narrative in her mind that is the culprit.  She does this to live with herself.  You dodged a bullet here.

Yeah, for sure.

The ex that asked her family to step in when her disorder was too much for him to handle alone, the one who asked her to move out of his apartment when we could not stop fighting and lent her a literal ton of money just so she could move when she was unemployed and blowing money on physical copies of movies and clothes to impress the guy she was emotionally cheating on him with, the one who used his government-subsidized therapy referral to get the two of them to couple's therapy... The absolute abuser.

Yes all the good things you did never matter one bit.  So now you know because it means that no matter how much you love her and are willing to do for her, it is never enough.  Eventually, you will be labeled as an abuser.  So had you stayed another 5 years and supported her, she will still come to this same conclusion.  It's better to let her go.

^^^I have echoed this many times. However, everyone has to figure this out for themselves on their own timeline. Some people never learn or do not want to learn. The important takeaway is that once you realize you are dealing with a black hole you have to train your mind to be confident in yourself and live your truth. You cut your losses and move on. Let the dead negative weight go so better opportunities can find you.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Yeah. It really doesn't help that the trauma bond can feed you intrusive thoughts about them, pleading for you to ruminate on details that have absolutely no bearing on the outcome. The disorder is a horrible condition but it manifests in real human connection. Lives in the space between and inside people. Looks like regular life the closer you are to it.

That's certainly one way to get closure even if it pisses you off and hurts even more. Like ripping off duct tape, maybe.

My ex badmouthed me to her friends, but didn't tell them that she had a boy-toy on the side for context. They encouraged her "eat, pray, love" plans. I blocked her on FB despite having kids together as she was posting passive-aggressive things that were obviously slamming me.

I'm not sure that I was in awe, but in retrospect it wasn't surprising even though it sucked at the time.

When I learnt she had gone on dates with my bestie when we were supposed to be on a break I told her family and closest friends. Break from both the r/s and just having a breather in general mind you. At least that's what she told me, it was not meant to be a "look at the options" kind of break though in hindsight I trusted her way too much. I will never make the same mistake again. Either we talk things out or we break up, no having weird half-but-kinda-full breakups. I had a hunch she would spin it differently to her friends and I was right. Nobody had a clue beyond us having been broken up. My thinking was that she was going to keep him under the wraps for a socially appropriate time and I wanted to stop that by letting the people close to her know.

Well it's good that you communicated to your friends what had happened.  Your bestie dating your EX is a big no no.  So with one stone, you got rid of your ex and bestie.  Best thing ever to see them for truly who they are.