BPDFamily.com

context 2 years relationship, her being diagnosed with BPD after 7 months when she attempted suicide due to a minor conflict about headphones that escalated dramatically. She also had an amphetamine, marihuana and alcohol addiction and was heavily in debt before we met.
She broke up with me like a thousand times and came back a few hours later or attempted suicide in order to get me back in. Then, last year, she really left me for the first time.
It was a horrible whatsapp breakup with no clarification. I had a mental breakdown which she used to sell all my stuff.

✦ Then after 3-4 months constant reaching out casually and "trying to maintain a friendship" followed. I still loved her and missed her like crazy so: second round. It lastet until may this year when she left again because I was mad about her rather doing drugs on our anniversary with her new best friends aka "controlling her". It happened all via Whatsapp with no further explanation.

✦ She wanted to stay friends again because I "was a special person she didn't want to lose". I tried, but then there was an incident, when we met drunk in the club, had sex and she declared me how much she will always love me and I will be the love of her life forever. She cried tears and I thought we would get back together again tbh... Next day I realized this wasn't the case.

✦ After the incident she asked for individual belongings several times a week that I still had with me, although I gave her the opportunity to pick everything up in one go twice.

✦ I tried several times to clarify what was going on and also I wanted to talk about formal stuff like contracts, our appartement etc., but she blocked every conversation ("I have better things to do now", "ain't got time for that", "I told you everything at the club. What more do you want?") and made me look like the clingy, crazy ex. I told her I couldn't continue the contact that way which made her blow up.

"You can't cut me off as long as we have to talk about formal stuff like contracts!"
"You're the one of us who just can't let go and who either wants me all to herself again or wants to let me down completely. You see everything in black and white!"

"I just don't want to ever ever every be with you again and you can't accept that."
Ok so bye then... I'm better off without you anyways!
I just stopped responding after that. It was the hardest task of my life. The last thing that I wrote was: "I don't want to cut you out of my life. I just can't handle the situation that way.  I can't pretend everything is ok if it clearly isn't"

Everything was quite for a while. 3 months have passed since then and I'm still suffering like crazy ...

Current situation: ✦ A few weeks ago her mother wrote me asking if we wanted to take the dogs for a walk. I said I didn't have time, but in the end we met by chance in the park. She told me my ex had a new job and was doing well so far and that she (the mother) missed me so much.

✦ A day later ex wrote me a message herself: "Hey hey, I know you don't really want to be in touch and that's okay... You've blocked me everywhere, so I will email this to you too. I just found an old poster of yours here and I don't want to just throw it away. Do you want to pick it up? Besides, we really have to clarify the matter with the contract... I don't want to just cancel it and leave you homeless."

I told her to throw the poster away and that she couldn't cancel the contract without my consent anyway. Also that I've never blocked her in the first place. I offered her to talk to the property manager to find a goodwill solution.
She didn't respond.

Last week I settled everything with the landlord. She had to come to me to sign the agreement.
I wasn't there but sent my best friend to the apartment to open the door for her. I didn't think she would come at all, but she was even on time to the minute. I was told she must have been looking for me all over the apartment and seemed sad that I wasn't there.

He said she smelled like hard liquor (during our relationship it was always "just" her after-work beers), white-powdered nostrils, looked beat up, and had this blank stare I know so well from our last break up.
She only robotically said one sentence: "Wow, she has it nice here. The apartment looks great." That's all. Apparently, when she went out, she still murmured "then all the best to you". My friend also believes to have heard her crying in the hallway.

I just don't understand her behavior and even though I know rationally that it doesn't make sense, I'm still looking for answers. What does she expect from me? What's on her mind?
She could have had me as a friend in her life if she had just talked to me openly. She could have had me hopeful idiot back as lover if she meant to.
She could still talk to me at any time and have a clarifying conversation. All I expected was openness and honesty.

But as long as she acts like she doesn't give a damn about me every time we have contact, I won't be chasing after her. Why? To get told "I ain't got time for your bs" and "there's nothing left to say"?
Sometimes it feels like I'm the crazy one who can't lock up. Does it just seem to me that she's constantly sending out social pings? Or is she just trying to stay calm and end it gently? What does she want?
I have never had so many questions tormeting me after a breakup.
It hurts so much that that's all.

Succinite, I am so sorry you are in this tough situation! You are bearing up well and handling it with dignity.
I think your ex is keeping you on the shelf. She doesn't want you fully out of the relationship, in case she needs to grab you back. So in the meantime she is charming, sending out little pings like a radar, to see if you will respond.

 I would say decide what is going to be your frequency of contact and stick to it. You can't control her behaviour but you can definitely control your own. With time you will start to feel better, and perhaps even see that you dodged a bullet. The chances of her ever coming right without first dealing with the substance abuse are remote.
 :hug: