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Title: How do I tell him this? Post by: Twinkle_Time on October 30, 2022, 06:12:47 PM A few days ago, my uBPD boyfriend announced that he misses his grandparents and wants to go visit them soon. They live a full day's drive away, so this would be a visit of at least a few days, if not a week, to make it worth it.
He has assumed that I will go with him, and wants me to put the trip on "my radar" to start considering when might be a good time out of the options he suggested - near Thanksgiving or the New Year. I do not want to go with him to visit his grandparents. His grandmother's remarks have, in the past, caused one family member to abstain from attending family gatherings for years on end. She has on more than one occasion sent my boyfriend into an emotional tailspin with her assessments of his physical appearance, his finances, etc. When we last visited, I witnessed his grandmother angrily tell another relative to "just let your stomach rot, then" when they did not accept her advice to switch from Advil to Aleve. My boyfriend says "she doesn't know" and "she doesn't understand" that what she says is hurtful. He also says that at this point she is too old to change. At last visit, I also witnessed his grandfather stand on his back porch with a shot gun, shoot, and wound some poor creature just in case it had the audacity to come eat the flowers his grandmother plants outside their home - flowers she seems to know are a tempting treat for various species. Very soon after I met his family for the first time, my boyfriend started pushing me (he would say "encouraging" me) to say "I love you" to his family members, and to text/call them regularly. We had a huge blow up after the last visit because he didn't feel that I had followed through on my promise to "connect" with his family during the visit. To note, I was polite and kind to everyone - I talked with them, laughed with them, and pitched in to help whenever I could. I did take breaks to go rest in the camper, and didn't stay up late or rise as early as others. Just for a little more background, I come from a relatively small, fairly disconnected extended family. I grew up as an only child, with a single mother. I am an introvert. I also struggle with chronic fatigue. The idea of traveling, being away from home, visiting and engaging with my boyfriend's family for extended periods of time is, quite frankly, exhausting. I have communicating this to my boyfriend before, and it has not gone over well. I also need to mention that my mother is elderly, and isolated. I am her only source of support, and I am really anxious for her when we travel to visit his family. The long and short of it is, I don't want to go, but I am terrified to tell him this. He clearly assumes I am going with him. He is already unhappy that I don't call his grandmother to chat with her as he has asked. I can only expect that if I tell him I don't want to visit them, he will explode. Any advice? Title: Re: How do I tell him this? Post by: Cat Familiar on October 30, 2022, 06:35:42 PM “No” is a complete sentence. You need to make it clear you are not going and let the chips fall where they may. What is the worst possible outcome of telling him you will not be accompanying him?
If you waffle or weasel, you will only make it worse. Get out front of it, now. Title: Re: How do I tell him this? Post by: Pook075 on October 30, 2022, 07:43:16 PM My advice would be to meet him in the middle and offer to go, but at a time you both choose together. His grandparents may have traits that you don't care for, I completely get that, but they are his family and they're important to him. Try to find a way to compromise while also making your feelings known...not that you don't like his family...but that it's a long drive and you need to make the most out of it for both of you.
Is there something you want to do on the way? Think about what would make you both happy. I'm giving this advice because my BPD wife has always resented me for not spending more time with her family, and it's a key point to why she left a few months ago. It's not that I didn't like her family or anything, but they were never a priority and that was a critical mistake on my part. Title: Re: How do I tell him this? Post by: Twinkle_Time on October 31, 2022, 01:28:33 PM Thank you for responding Cat Familiar and Pook075.
Cat Familiar, to answer your question ("What is the worst possible outcome of telling him you will not be accompanying him?"), I am afraid that my boyfriend will end our relationship. Pook075's response confirms my fears. Title: Re: How do I tell him this? Post by: Cat Familiar on October 31, 2022, 01:51:46 PM Once you begin appeasing him, to the detriment of your own judgment, values, and feelings, you train him that you will defer to his wishes if he angrily blows up. Over time, this can accelerate from emotional violence into physical violence.
If you cannot do what you think is right for you, and your mother, you are being controlled by FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). Title: Re: How do I tell him this? Post by: SaltyDawg on October 31, 2022, 02:04:20 PM Knowing what I know now.
I 2nd the opinion of saying of just saying 'no' -- listen to Cat Familiar. Any traits that you see now that you don't like will be at least 10x worse if your relationship progresses to the next steps [getting pregnant and/or marriage]. If he respects you, he will respect when you say 'no'. If he doesn't -- it is better to find out now when the pain will be a lot, lot, less now that it will be down the road. Sign me. ~Been there, done that. Title: Re: How do I tell him this? Post by: Twinkle_Time on November 02, 2022, 10:04:49 AM Thank you again, Cat Power.
And thank you as well, SaltyDawg. |