BPDFamily.com

Hello all,

I am struggling with how to navigate new boundaries with my parents.  I only recently came to understand the maladaptive patterns in my FOO and need to step away from them.  The primary one that is a huge trigger for me is the expectation that I help my father (uBPD) through any of his emotions/moods.  This has been my role in the family at least since I was in late elementary school.  Neither he nor my mother recognize that it is unfair and wrong to treat me as a confidante, therapist, or parent.  This was wrong when I was 8 and it still is not okay now.  When I have verbally tried to set a boundary they respond with tremendous anger and insults.  When I pull back contact in response to their behavior, they stew and send very passive aggressive messages.  In your experience how have you handled it or navigated this?  Any advice? 

I don't feel like I need to have a conversation with them about how toxic my childhood was, but I also don't want them to continue to treat me in this way.  The whole situation is complicated by the fact that one of my siblings died by suicide and my other sibling likely has BPD.  I am the child who "has never caused any problems."

This is where being a Golden Child might be more hurtful than being a Black Sheep or Rebel. That your mother has been triangulating you to soothe your father is shameful. That's her job as his spouse, not to have you be proxy spouse emotionally. What you describe sounds like this:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest

What's your living situation and contact look like? How have you verbally tried to set a boundary?

Awakein40s, I felt your words very deeply. I've allways been the "good child" on my parents, the one that stayed calm and resolved problems when my parents were yelling at each other. I think I can feel your pain.
You didn't choose to be your parent's psychologist, and honestly, they shouldn't have done it that way. It's difficutl, but I think that setting your boundaries with your parents the way you're doing it it's not only okay, but very brave from your part. They'll never react postitively to that change, specially BPD people. But pushing yourself for them it's not a choice. I know it from experience, the longer you do it, the longer it will hurt you.
In my case, I'm trying to stay calm each time I put a boundarie with my father. It's not easy, and sometimes I'm not able to put them well. But I try to stay calm, and if I ever feel that the confrontation is not going anywhere, I return to my room and put my self some ASMR, or go outside and be with my friends. I don't usually recieve passive-agressive texts, but I would not answer to them: so many ways they can use it against you...
It's not easy, and I sometimes feel guilty about it. But the sooner you start setting boundaries, the better it will be.
Even if you talk to them about your childhood traumas, it's very probably that they will deny it. BPD people rarely take responsability for their actions (at least from my experience). So if you don't want to, don't even bother to tell them.
I would recommend you to read "Stop Walking on Eggshells". It helped be understand BPD and how to set boundaries.
Wish you good luck. You're not alone on this.