BPDFamily.com

During the latter part of my r/s with a person with BPD, her having moved out of my apartment and us seeing each other maybe once a week (despite living as neighbors almost), in hindsight I recognize that sex had become the last remaining source for oxytocin, one of the most important bonding hormones.

Everything else was lathered with dopamine. She was always alert, always ready to complain and rant. Me too actually. I was always nervous meeting her. It was almost tangible, the energy between us. All spark and very little actual fuel to burn and what little fuel was there was always burnt out in a huff. Like warming yourself by lighting firecrackers. The only way I would feel comfortable with her was if we found a topic to rant about together. That seemingly would diffuse the tension though it would also come back in a heartbeat.

The whole r/s was this flurry of triangulation, positive or negative! We needed a third object to loathe or love in unison. Even when we expressed love to each other, it was more about me loving "at" her and her loving "at" me. Not triangulation in that sense but a weird set of separate one-way streets, the cars never meeting, you know? No true bonding.

When things went okay, we had sex. When things were excellent, we had a lot of sex. One day after such a day of... plentiful bonding I masturbated about 15 times at home. I'm not exaggerating. It felt like rediscovering sex, both solo and not lol. I was only vaguely aware that this is not good.

We even started the countdown to the final breakup by me getting super angry at her for slinking out of my apartment when we were supposed to have sex and she got into an episode when I said something that upset her. That was the recipe for the last months of us being together: me upsetting her, her leaving in a more or less mute state.

I think this sexual dynamic really messes up with my brain and is making letting go that much more difficult. In my head it feels like that it's okay to have a terrible relationship as long as you can have sex every once in a while to reconnect. The actual person fades from the picture and it becomes transactional.

Sex is what kept my relationship with my BPDxw going in the midst of the "unpredictable chaos".  The marriage was truly black and white; up and down; wonderful-horrible and only brief periods of relative calm.  The latter periods never lasted and so the insanity continued.

Yes intimacy is what allowed for moments of redirection and relief (in many ways  :) ), though even that seemed to descend over time into a darker place - a mental place that really messed with my head.  She on the other hand relished in this dominate/darker role.  I think having control, overcame her feelings of "not being in control" during her childhood.  Threatening me if I didn't have sex was a bit crazy. I think it did actually become her drug.

It is said that BPDs can use sex for relief from their internal state of emptiness.  It fuels endorphins and all those "good feelings" and why it was a welcomed respite for both of us; at least that was my experience.  Having said that, the relief is short-lived and masking the inherent issues of what is a dysfunctional relationship.  It won't last.

I would almost consider this like diagnostic criteria due to how common this particular issue is. A woman I was involved said she used to use sex to numb the pain. Another former friend (actually diagnosed BPD) said something along the same lines.

Now with my own experience, case studies from human behavior courses, experiences here on the FAM this is definitely one of those red flags that needs to be looked out for as a key indicator to run the opposite direction.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Me and my ex had three distinct periods of sex:

1. The honeymoon phase where she was obviously the most into it, going from a supposedly inexperienced position to sending nudes unpropmted and wilfully if not coyly dabbling in BDSM.
2. Having sex everyday after moving in together. Sex became almost like a chore. It was anxiety-inducing for me because the lack of direct communication meant that I never knew if she truly wanted sex or not. Mind you she has quiet type BPD.
3. Her "dry spell" that she explained with mental health medication. Probably the meds had something to do with it but it also coincided with our relationship deteriorating. We started seeing each other fairly seldom after she moved out, even though we were practically neighbours. At this point sex was pretty much the only bonding activity for us where I did not feel anxiety.

I had a similar experience way younger with another ex that I suspect had BPD. Great and plentiful sex at first and then a distinct decline without clear communication. She just suddenly stopped being that much into it and withdrew without talking about it. It took me a few years to get over her sexually and I think it was due to the non-communication part. I wanted more sex than her but we didn't talk about it. Being young and impulsive I probably pressed her to have sex for which I am obviously responsible. But the kind of sexual version of push & pull (well, at least the push) was there too.

I think that with a quiet BPD, the negative nature of things will start messing with your head at some point. Things that used to be there disappear and they are not really capable of communicating why.