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This evening, I spent some time tidying and taking care of the pets before settling down. My boyfriend came in the room where I was, said that he heard my footsteps, and asked what I'd been doing. I told him that I'd been tidying.

Prefacing with "I don't want you to change anything, but..." he explained to me that hearing my footsteps triggers him.  I asked him what it triggers for him. He said that it triggers "unease" and "extreme anxiety." He said that he feels like he should be doing something, that he can't relax, and that it "comes from" his "mom."

He has a similar issue when I "make kitchen noises" in the morning to make breakfast.

10 minutes later, our dog started whining to go out.  My boyfriend has said that he will take out the dog in the evenings, but I know he is tired and that his neck has been hurting him, so I decided to do it.

Our dog went out, but wouldn't use the bathroom.  Frustrated, I brought the dog in, opened the door where my boyfriend was, and told him that our dog wouldn't go.

My boyfriend swirled around in his recliner and reminded me, "I just told you how your footsteps were triggering" and said "Now you come in here like this."  My frustrated "energy" was "upsetting" for him.

I apologized.

I told him that I wasn't trying to trigger him, that my frustration wasn't toward him.

Oops. Explaining, right? Defending?

He said, "I know you didn't mean to trigger me, but it happened."

I apologized again.

But I mean...for what? For being frustrated? For having frustrated "energy"? For making noise?

And the really, really, really maddening thing is that this is someone who frequently, fully expresses irritation and angry "energy" - raising his voice, stomping, cursing, slamming and hitting things.

This feels so unfair.

But I'm starting to learn that I can't expect any kind of fairness in this relationship.

Can I?

No, you cannot expect *fairness* and your apologies for doing nothing wrong are undermining your equal status in the relationship.

These apologies don’t work, so when confronted by an unreasonable expectation, why not try making a noncommittal response such as “Hmmm…”?

avoiding JADEing should not be taken as "thou shalt never do any of these things". its more about not getting into circular arguments, restating our point excessively, or trying to "win" an argument.

any one of those things, at times, is completely reasonable, and on the other extreme, to do none of those things ever, would be stonewalling.


apologizing reflexively when youre not even sure what youre apologizing for achieves the same thing as JADEing. it isnt true to you, it isnt true to him, and its not really constructive problem solving.

have you tried putting the ball back in his court? ask him, sincerely, for solutions to these things. its one thing to go out of your way to avoid triggering a loved one. its another to expect that a loved one manage to silence their footsteps. ultimately, this is utterly unreasonable, and his trigger to manage, and asking him, sincerely, does just that.


you absolutely can raise this issue, in a solutions oriented way. it would be JADEing if you threw this back in his face when hes complaining. it would be constructive to work together, in a time of calm, to create a peaceful environment.

So...he says "because of my Mom, xyz triggers me".

So...are YOU involved in any of this?  Nope...you didn't cause..contribute to or affect in any way his "state of mind".

So...no real need for you to be involved in the solution.

You can be involved (and I would say "should be") in ENCOURAGING him to solve his problems.

you:  "Oh gosh babe, that sounds difficult.  How have you learned to work through those feelings?"

Note I didn't suggest you say "how can I help you?" or "How can I change my behavior so you are ok?"...or the like.

What do you think of the idea to "hand it back to him?"

Best,

FF