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Title: Their feeling that nobody cares about them: how to help? Post by: keepitup on November 15, 2022, 04:20:23 PM Hi all!
I was wondering if some of you ever were in a situation similar to mine with your loved one and how you helped them. My bpd bf has been feeling depressed for the past few months. He is the kind of person who gives a lot of advice to people (most of the time good advice) and who tends to say yes to help his friends in need. He tends to take responsability on his shoulders that does not belong to him though and to overinvest himself in other people's problems. Since he has been feeling depressed, he says he always helps others, but nobody takes the time/is able to really help him (including me, though I try my best to be supportive . Most friends offered their help too, but he feels nobody understands him and they all care about their own problems). I know splitting might be one of the reasons why he thinks this way. I validate his feelings, listen patiently when he needs to talk and I try to deal with my own worries without talking to him about them that much. I was wondering if there was something more I could do to help/to support him ? All ideas are welcome and I thank you in advance :) Title: Re: Their feeling that nobody cares about them: how to help? Post by: arjay on November 15, 2022, 05:30:53 PM ..."I was wondering if there was something more I could do to help/to support him ?"...
Sounds a bit like he is simply "over committing". Does helping others enhance his sense of self-worth? (I was once like that and in my case I was the "rescue type"). Sometimes our motivation for helping others, can be with the subconscious expectation of getting something in return ("wow you are amazing"). Unfortunately, exactly what happened to him is not surprising. Others are grateful for the help; he comes away exhausted and depressed and maybe even feeling a lack of gratitude . Helping others is a wonderful thing. Doing at the expense of your own physical/emotional well-being is unhealthy. Additionally, boundaries come into play here as well. Saying "sorry I cannot" is actually having a healthy perspective and boundary (something I had to learn). I volunteered at an animal rescue (horses) every Saturday. It helped me to do things out of a simple desire to "give". Horses don't show gratitude when you clean their stalls, so I received nothing in return. It helped to re-frame the whole notion of "giving". Now when I give, it is with the expectation that I will receive nothing in return; not even a "thank you". Helping others and over-committing; expecting accolades and gratitude, can be emotionally bankrupting in the long run, when it doesn't happen. It can leave us feeling unappreciated and worse. All the Best |