BPDFamily.com

Came to this forum due to my FOO and BPD mum. But new to this board.

My partner was "accused" of being NPD by her ex who was a pdoc. She tells me this is because he's sexist and not good at doing exactly as she required. Plus he did become an alcoholic, which was traumatic for her.

It's now evident she's unaware of her abusive behaviour and probably on a different spectrum, as she does show signs of empathy and an ability to reflect and come back. But she can not take No for an answer or any critisum and has to dominate, but seems unaware of this. She is open about all her stories of why people ghost her or left her, but seems clueless as to why - did I mention nothing can be her fault ?

She puts me in impossible situations, I'm none confrontational so she's wearing me down as she always wants to debate until I submit. So I went low conact, just texts and meeting one day. Now it's down to just meeting. My therory is that she appears to have a lot of signs of trauma and can reflect and appologies, so should be capable of change. But we might need to wait until retirement before having the energy. So has anyone managed to keep things going on low contact or permently living separately ? She's seems well intended.

I think it depends on what you mean by success? Permanently living apart? Temporary situation? It may not change your partner's personality disorder but give you some space- if that's something you wish to have.

There is some discussion on the family board about the different types of empathy and how pwNPD can have cognitive empathy. It's not that they have none but that it is different

https://spsp.org/news-center/character-context-blog/do-narcissists-lack-empathy-it-depends

I think for your question, it depends on your needs. Living apart would provide a safe space for you, if that helps you. I haven't had an experience like that personally.

Thanks Notwendy, helpful. I spoke to my partner today about not being able to tell her how I feel for fear she will invalidate my feelings and project them back on me. She then explained I was wrong because I was: (a) A man (b)  a bleeding hart liberal (c) British (d) have cptsd which is proof I'm the sick one.  lol (I've been told I must have recovered from cptsd as I can deal with her, and also my BPD mum now, so...)

So I escalated my requests in a very British way and used sarcasm, because it goes over her head and gives me a sense I'm being being heard, whilst not saying anything that will upset her (like the truth). Any hoo, I think we're making progress. Because I was able to link in my request for privacy into a benefit to her - i.e. I'll leave. Thanks for taking the time to read - anyone else had success ?