BPDFamily.com

Hi, I’ve never posted on here or any forums before so I’m sorry if I do something wrong. I’m just desperately hoping someone can help me.
My BPD partner/boyfriend and I have/had been together just under a year; in fact our biggest anniversaries are all coming up in a matter of weeks and I’m dreading it.
I don’t really know where to start in saying what’s happened but basically in the last 4/5 months of our relationship he had started to plead with me to have a baby which I wanted too, I just wanted a bit more time. I was also meant to be moving in. I should be living with him and we’d agreed to start trying for a baby as soon as I did right now actually, but instead, because I triggered him with 2 stupid rows he’s ghosted me, not even broken up with me, and has replaced me already with another woman!
He was such a loving, affectionate partner and very much ‘My Person’ as we were best friend. We always had eachother’s backs, so I can’t understand how he could do this to me!
I just feel that I’ve not only lost my present but also my future, because he assured me so many times that it was with him and we would settle down and have a family and grow old together!
We were so happy until I triggered him by doing something so idiotic but relatively small - I had NO idea he would react the way he did and I saw a completely different, vicious side to him!
Anyway, I just can’t cope with the pain of suddenly losing the person I was supposed to be spending the rest of my life with and who claimed to adore me and was a really good boyfriend. I just can’t see a future without him as I still love him so much, so I wonder sometimes if I can get through this or just give up. I feel utterly desolate and desperate. Please help! Thank you.

Hi The Dark Lady,

I'm sorry you are going thru this difficult time. We have all been there.

Reading on this forum will definitely help you. There is so many similar stories to yours. 
With time you will realise that not having a baby with him was a blessing. People with BPD hardly ever change and you would be going thru this pain over and over again. Your replacement will probably go thru the same.
All you have to do at the moment is to start the grieving process and focus 100% on yourself.
Read, read, read. This will help you to understand his behaviours and your reactions and that will give you some peace.
You are stronger than you think you are!
Take care xx

Hi Dark Lady,

I picked out some things from what you wrote that particularly resonated with me. I'm sorry you are going through this rough time and feel like this is a supportive place. I can relate except for in my case I was with my ex for years, changed my whole life to be with her, and thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together.

One thing I can say from my own experience is that I also initially thought "We were so happy until I triggered" her by doing something so small ... But once I found out more about things like BPD, CPTSD, and disorganized attachment, I had to rethink this statement. I think I was happy and I thought she was happy because of the way she acted and the things she said and did. But I don't think she was really happy. I think she was probably constantly worried about being trapped in a relationship and being abandoned, and constantly looking for signs that I would leave (which I had no plans of doing). That cannot be a fun way to live, always seeing things through that kind of negative filter.

But, all that does not mean that I (or you) deserved to be treated the way you were treated. My read on what you wrote is that you did nothing wrong and this probably would have happened eventually. It really probably has very little to do with what you did or did not do. I know for me it has been a struggle to really believe this, especially when I was blamed by my ex in a way that really hurt.

I'm still in the thick of it myself but I hope what imstillhere89 wrote is true for you and for me. Give yourself time. However much you need. Be kind to yourself. Know that you are not alone and you are stronger than you think!

Hi The Dark Lady,
As a fellow newbie, welcome to this forum. I am sorry for what you are experiencing atm. As others have said dealing with a BPD partner is tough.
As someone who is going through a divorce rn , I can only say you are in fact incredibly lucky that he broke up with you immediately after the lovebombing stage. The BPD male is no joke to deal with long term. Eventually you will feel like you are his mother and a very bad mother at that.
They care very little for the children except when they have to put up a whole show of happy family in public.
Please do not underestimate how needy your ex is, he may come back begging you to take him back and it will be the biggest mistake you ever make to have another go.
I ended up married and with children and I was abused while I was in labor. The abuse wit only get worse.
As others on here have pointed out , there’s nothing you would have done differently and you up to a good start knowing that you are dealing with  someone with BPD. After 10 years of marriage I only found out a year ago that I married to an undiagnosed bpd. It has been hell on earth, you end up paying a huge price with your mental health, while they move on to the next supply.
The best thing you can do for your self is too heal any childhood trauma you may have. BPD partners are attracted to people who are codependent, conscientious and agreeable. A neurotypical partner will not put up with a fraction of the crap that a codependent will ignore in a relationship. Most codependents have been conditioned from childhood to relate or even submit to cluster B personalities because that’s all we have known as normal.
Please take care of yourself by broadening your knowledge of BPD partners. Take time to grieve, heal from trauma, and work on self care.

One thing I can say from my own experience is that I also initially thought "We were so happy until I triggered" her by doing something so small ... But once I found out more about things like BPD, CPTSD, and disorganized attachment, I had to rethink this statement. I think I was happy and I thought she was happy because of the way she acted and the things she said and did. But I don't think she was really happy. I think she was probably constantly worried about being trapped in a relationship and being abandoned, and constantly looking for signs that I would leave (which I had no plans of doing). That cannot be a fun way to live, always seeing things through that kind of negative filter.


One way I use to try and understand the BPD condition as a broad idea is to think of the absolute emotional low points in your life. When you were ridiculed, insulted, betrayed, abandoned, hurt, what ever. Remember how you felt the earth swallowing you up and your hurt, shame or anger (or mix thereof) taking control? Can you grasp the thought or more like emotion of finding refuge in extreme ideas such as violence, revenge and cutting off a person completely in such instances?

Not to be overly comedic, but that is literally just a Tuesday among others for many a sufferer of BPD. 

They also can exhibit equally disturbing mania-like enthusiasm and elation. That may very well be indistinguishable from happiness at a glance or two. I know I felt like PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) seeing her parade my replacement around. She even gleefully and unnecessarily hugged him in front of me, after making sure they were in my field of vision. It doesn't help that much in the moment to know they are headed for the same dumpster fire as me and her. For a while, they might seem on top of the world.

Hey Dark Lady,

My story is very similar to yours, except that I was married to the love of my life for 24 years.  There were always little problems, things that just didn't seem right, but my marriage would either self correct OR I would accept my wife being just a bit more distant than she had been in the past. 

My heart breaks for you but I have to say, you're doing everything right and you will get through this.  I'm 4 months into separation and I still can't make total sense of what happened, but I do know that this was not my fault and there was very little I could have done differently.  I've learned that what is super small to you/me can be catastrophic to a loved one with BPD, and it can literally come out of nowhere on a bad day (which you wouldn't see coming even in the moment). 

So don't be too hard on yourself, know that we've all been there, and it will get better in time.  Reading this forum and talking to others helps us understand what happened and how to deal with moving on.  Like you, I still have hope for my relationship and faith is getting me thru this, but the reality is that it's time to focus on you and your healing.