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Good morning!  I have been nc/lc with pwBPD spouse for several months. I took a job in another city and moved out of our marital residence back in May.  I am working with a lawyer drawing up a Property Settlement Agreement and Separation Agreement, which is necessary in my state for what constitutes a "no-fault" divorce. 

Even with the nc/lc, my not joining pwBPD spouse for holiday and Thanksgiving and not planning to join her for Christmas, I am not sure that she gets the message that our marriage is absolutely and finally over.  When she pressed me about joining her for a holiday, I told her that I couldn't and that we are going to get divorced.  She immediately deflected that conversation.  I am not sure she thinks it is real, I am making an idle threat or is just in denial.  Do I even try to have a calm conversation about this or she will just received the papers from my lawyer and need to respond? 

I appreciate anyone with experience in this sharing what they did/what happened/what they advise, etc.

Thank you so much.

You were planning a divorce nearly a decade ago.  Imagine your life now if you would have proceeded then.

Your DD is grown now.  Your wife was obstructing your parenting then, not sure to what extent that worked, I'm hoping that now she's grown your spouse has let go some of her demands about that.

You asked, How Do/Did You Tell Your pwBPD You Want a Divorce?  My marriage imploded, we separated by court order.  I recall one time we were in the court's common waiting area and I asked whether she wanted to return or divorce?  She turned away and her lawyer just spread his hands like "What can I say?"  So I filed.  It was a very acrimonious two years (on her part) wading through every step of the process, complicated with custody and parenting of a preschooler.

However, in your case you already told her you were going to divorce.  You already told her you wouldn't join her for the holidays.  (Let's set aside that this has probably occurred many times in the past?) My question is, what benefit is there to discuss what has already been said?  What is the point?

I do see some downsides... She may pressure/convince you to again delay a divorce for whatever excuses.  My biggest concern is that meeting with her may sabotage some of your lawyer's strategies.  I wouldn't be surprised if during your time together you would share too much information (TMI) trying to argue/explain yourself and weaken your position and your strategies in your divorce case.

While spending time with her she may make you feel guilty to divorce.  After all, she's had years to hone here skills as a master manipulator.  But remember, she's had affairs over the years, probably more than you know.  Affairs, while not illegal, are one of the most common reasons to divorce down through history.