BPDFamily.com

Hi Everyone,

In 2020, after 10+ years of sheer hell, I went to therapy at a domestic violence shelter and was finally able to end my marriage. (Lots of people hated 2020, but it was the best year for me in over a decade.)

I'm in grad school now, taking two classes this semester: 1) Violence and Maltreatment in Intimate Relationships (VMIR) and 2) Psychopathology, where we just started a unit on BPD. As you can probably imagine, I've been experiencing a lot of triggers in these classes. On the one hand, it's been therapeutic to learn more about the subject. On the other hand, I have started feeling INTENSE HATRED for my ex, who I now refer to as Diablo/it, and I regret that I didn't call the police when it committed crimes.

Why didn't I call? The main reason was a fear of false accusations. This was a completely legitimate fear because making false accusations was a tactic Diablo used often. I was also afraid that the police would shoot first and ask questions later, and I didn't want it to be harmed. (I should have called and let the chips fall where they may. It wasn't my job to protect my abuser.) Finally, I felt shame. So much shame.

One thing that has come up repeatedly in my VMIR class is that abusers abuse BECAUSE THEY CAN. A lack of consequences is like jet fuel to them. Diablo faced no consequences whatsoever for its 10+ years of criminal behavior. I am furious about what it put me and others through. According to the laws in my state, Diablo is guilty of:

* Kidnapping/false imprisonment/unlawful restraint/criminal confinement (it physically kept me from leaving too many times to count)
* Assault & battery (knocked me down, pulled out chunks of my hair, hit, kicked, and otherwise injured me)
* Aggravated assault (threw a knife at me, shut off the car while I was driving 65mph on a highway)
* Aggravated cruelty to an animal (it shocked the dog to provoke it, then had the dog put down for her reaction of growling and baring her teeth)
* Theft (repeatedly stole my glasses/phone/wallet to keep me from leaving, and was constantly throwing away my possessions)
* Harassment (showed up at my work and threatened to scream in the lobby until I gave it what it wanted)
* Criminal mischief/reckless endangerment (multiple episodes including jerking the steering wheel and grabbing my glasses off my face while I was driving)
* Threats of violence (repeated threats to burn the house down)
And the one that ended my marriage:
* Child abuse (while in a rage, and in front of witnesses, knocked my granddaughter down the stairs, later saying it didn't do it; eventually changed its story and claimed it was an accident)

Now I can see why I need ongoing therapy. I was the victim of multiple serious crimes for over a decade. I lived in terror of this demon. I am determined not to let anyone mistreat my loved ones or me again, and I don't believe I'll ever allow anyone like that into my life in the future. Still, if another monster slips into my life undetected and commits any sort of crime, I will immediately call 9-1-1.

Did any of you ever call the police? How did it go?

This is why you cannot be afraid to erect the Don't F :cursing: with me boundary. That boundary is a necessary safety net for you to keep piss poor behavior in check and out of your life. Never let anyone tread on you. You have to have the confidence to stand up for yourself and if someone becomes combative back or treads across your boundary you pull the plug on them and tell them to go kick rocks! You cannot worry about losing people in that scenario. Anyone who would push your boundary that far is not deserving of any more time or attention.

This kind of boundary does not come natural to many people, but I assure you that it is better to start later than never. It is always better to have quality people in your life over quantity...always keep that in mind. Always respect yourself and keep your personal value high by subtracting the elements that devalue YOU.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

shikai-

You experienced a lot of different types of abuse, even criminal. Other than fearing that your wife might be shot, what do you feel kept you trapped from reaching out until you did? Abuse is a choice for sure according to The Duluth Model. Most of us have experienced abuse behind closed doors which implies a choice, PD or not.  Leaving certainly isn't easy, especially with kids.

I filed a Harassment charge against her.
Since I didnt claim threats or violence they dont arrest her but the record is now on file in case i need to fight any charges she brings againt me.

I also keep a recorder going anytime I sense she is going off the rails especially when drinking.