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Two and a half months of NC. Hit a bit of a rough spot around the two month mark.

I matched with a girl on a dating app who lives in a different province. I felt excited like I often do when I match with someone living out of town.

I started thinking about why it happens to me because I don't think it's a good idea for me to get involved with a person who lives far away right now. Especially if living far away itself seems like a plus to me. Like a red flag in myself, heh.

I came to realize that one of the reasons I get infatuated with people living far away so easily is that deep down I want to travel but have a fear of it.

My most recent BPD ex lived out of town when we started seeing each other and I always romanticized the distance. This probably is more common than we tend to think. Distance itself is romantic, I think.

So I started feeling about it and realized that yes, I want to travel more, but I don't. I've always thought I don't have an interest in travelling. I rarely leave the metropolitan area I live in. Hell, a dozen years ago I moved to the area and I've been back to my old hometown once in total. In twelve years. Even though I kind of want to. I just don't.

I went down this train of feeling and realized that I have an innate fear of new experiences. I need most of the things in my life to be based on a tried and tested pattern of experience before I can take the leap. Inside those tried and tested things, I feel free to experiment. But completely new experiences feel daunting to me. Even things that most people around me do all the time.

I don't want to get back with my ex. I don't want her to hurt me anymore. Yet I still regularly check out her socials to see what she is up to. This itself is nothing new to people. A lot of people after "regular" breakups do that. Hell, I was betrayed by not only my ex but my best friend that she monkey-branched with. I have perhaps more emotional leeway in feeling like I have to know what she is up to.

But all in all, I realized that my fear of new experiences and emotions is holding me down and in part making me accept crapfits in relationships. And makes me ruminate so much. I've already started working with it by listing fairly mundane things that interest yet intimidate me. I feel so relieved already.

..."But all in all, I realized that my fear of new experiences and emotions is holding me down and in part making me accept crapfits in relationships. And makes me ruminate so much. I've already started working with it by listing fairly mundane things that interest yet intimidate me. I feel so relieved already..."

Overcoming any fear is typically done in "small steps".  I also learned that dealing with even greater fears, dimished many other less-intimidating ones.  I was afraid of heights so I jumped from airplanes.  I feared drowning in the open ocean, so I learned to swim long distance.  I didn't like being around firearms so I bought several, studied firearm safety, practiced for hundreds of hours at the range, and now it's my hobby.

Making a list is a great start.  What's your next step?

All the Best

I started by doing everyday things differently and sort of... more. For example, if I'm afraid my coworkers will be talking about things that I find uninteresting during lunch, I still sit with them instead of being by myself. I know getting to know them at the start is good for me, even if I feel awkward listening to many of their everyday topics.