BPDFamily.com

My BPD wife of 24 years left me about 4 months ago after completely shutting down from a few months of depression.  The doc upped her depression meds, she essentially went manic, became hyper focused on a handicapped person she cared for at work, then walked out after a brief conversation.  She has briefly returned twice (while still manic) and she just couldn't process how loving/caring I was. From there, she sort of flipped mentally and focused on everything I did wrong over 24 years, with phrases like, "You never loved me/cared for me/never loved my family, etc."

We still don't communicate (her preference) except for an occasional email about our adult kids, bills, our pets, etc.  I try to reach out about something every week or two, just to keep in contact, and I'll always throw in an "I love you" at the end.  

Naturally, I was crushed at first and was borderline suicidal- this was the love of my life.  She didn't have an official diagnosis at the time, but I knew this was mental health related and I met her anger/outrages with compassion.  But at the same time, I didn't know not to argue over her delusions...of course I loved her parents.  Of course I've always loved her and cared for her.  This stuff just drove her further away because in her mind, it was a fact.

So I spent the first 8 or so weeks reaching out as much as possible (big mistake), professing my love (big mistake), and trying to convince her to come home (big mistake).  Around that point, I saw our family physician and she said this was obvious BPD, and I made the biggest mistake of all...I told my wife.  Her response was to cry and insist that she wasn't crazy, which I supported by saying that I agreed, she just processed some things differently and we needed to strengthen our communication. That pretty much sealed the deal, she cut me off completely in fear that I was going to have her committed.

During those first two months, I attended a few counseling sessions, got back in church, got back in the gym, and focused on myself as much as possible.  I dropped 40+ pounds, got a new dog, and started hanging out with old friends on occasion just to keep busy.  My mental health improved...at first, every day was impossible, but by the 3rd month I might have one tough day every 7-10 days.  Now in month 4, I might have a bad couple of hours every 2 weeks...so definite progress.  I haven't dated yet, but several women have taken interest and that's been a huge boost to my confidence.

One thing that I'm not sure if it helped me or hurt...I didn't actually get mad at my wife for almost three months.  Everything was compassion and empathy from my end, which confused the heck out of her and honestly made her meaner.  Once I did finally start to reflect back on our marriage though, I saw that the same problems have been there the entire 24 years plus the 1.5 years we dated.  It's always been there, a cycle of becoming distant, disappearing with her family, getting mad at me, ignoring me for a few days, then apologizing profusely.  Rinse, repeat over and over again...and I thought it was all normal since it's the only woman I've ever lived with.

Four months later, I'm leaning heavily on my faith and still hoping to reconcile.  However, I've also accepted that I will NEVER return to the marriage we had- my wife has to be present, love me for me, communicate openly instead of shutting down, etc.  I don't know if that's possible for her without treatment, but I've also realized how incredibly impossible this is on her.  Talking to me means facing her greatest fears, dealing with her deepest broken emotions, so of course she doesn't want to do that if she doesn't have to.  It's easier for her to just move on while being miserable on the inside.

A few other things I've figured out that may help someone:

• I don't need my wife for me to be happy, to feel fulfilled, etc. I still choose to wait this out, but won't take any more abuse.
• I never should have argued about anything; I should have affirmed her feelings without validating them.
• I definitely never should have mentioned BPD.  Should have let the doctor cover that when my wife visited.
• Focusing on me was the best decision I made in all this; I am slimmer, much less stressed, and feel great.
• This IS NOT MY FAULT.  Yes, there were things I could have done better, but the root of this is BPD...not me!
• This is not my wife's fault either.  She wasn't trying to be cold or mean, she's just sick and taking the easy path getting past this.  Maybe it's cowardly, but BPD folks hurt so much deeper than we do.  They're just great at hiding it (mostly my wife's case) OR great at lashing out (rarely my wife's MO, until the recent split).
• I still love/miss my wife and her family.  This sucks.  But I am powerless to change anything about this situation.  No words will fix this.  My wife needs to heal and realize she's made a mistake...and she either will or she won't.  This is not about me.

I hope that helps someone here.  I know all our situations are different and I believe that my wife has always been high-functioning BPD.  But there were so many times when I'd get home from work and she'd be crying in bed while pretending to be asleep...she's hid that the entire 24 years from everyone.  At the end of the day, I feel sorry for her and I want to help her more than anything, but I simply can't because I'm currently the enemy.  Still trying to accept that, which is why the process for us is rarely over at the 4 month mark.  I am okay though and you will be too!

Thank you for sharing.

A great deal of that resonated with me, and although I was not in a 24 year marriage, I am about three months out from the breakup. So getting that perspective from someone who is very close in timeframe is reassuring. Much of what you said felt like I could have typed it myself. Especially the part about coming home to her crying in bed, or sometimes actually sleeping after having cried in bed. Kind of scary how many similar behaviors there can be.

Your affirmation of how working on yourself can be a boon was also reassuring.

Thanks again for sharing. It DID help someone.

THANK YOU

I was not married as long as you but we are in a similar time frame now of our healing journies. Your words helped me AND I am okay too! This was much needed this week  :hi:

Very glad it helped- and I can completely relate.  The first few months I was completely devastated- couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, and couldn't imagine a world without her. 

My wife was here a few days ago to help wrap Christmas presents, and I honestly saw her through a completely different pair of eyes.  Once the pain is out of the way, I saw a spiteful, selfish person who I had a lot of pity for...it really isn't her fault that she's sick.  I still love her, but I'm not in love anymore and my focus isn't "getting her back".  Instead, it's just being a good person and showing empathy when she lets me. 

That's not to say I wouldn't try to reconcile, it's just not my primary goal anymore and that change in mindset has set me free in a lot of ways.

No problem friend, we're all on this journey together!  I wish I had more answers...but it is what it is.

This is very helpful! We have been married for 32 years and I have worked hard at communication and following the "rules" that demonstrate acknowledgement, only discover the rules change constantly with my undiagnosed BPD wife. Unfortunately, my wife's primary reaction is lashing out and it has become unbearable.

We are still together;  however, I do not know how much longer it will last. It is very hard to watch the pain that she lives in every day, it has to be horrible. After 3 decades of trying to help her, I realize that I can't help her, she has to work this out herself. I too made the mistake of pointing out her actions are very much like BPD. I also got the response that she is not crazy. My wife did not withdraw, she became extremely aggressive.

She has become increasingly abusive verbally and now is adding physical abuse. This is becoming unbearable and I am going to have to end this some time soon. I am not codependent, as I have a life, friends, family and a support system. I have not done anything for this long, as I had this hope that she would find her way and realize what she is doing. I also know she does not have friends, family or a support system. She has burned every single relationship with everyone, except our daughter. I feel sorry for her and want her to be ok. I also did not want to burden my daughter with dealing with her mother, as the only remaining person in her life. Our daughter is established and has a family and is well equipped to deal with her at this point in her life.

I am struggling with how to move forward and pull the plug on this, as it will never get better and will likely become increasingly worse. My fear is being in our later years and having a health position where I would need her. I would be unable to care for myself and be trapped in an abusive situation. I need to change my circumstances while I am still able to.

Thanks for sharing your experiences on the other side. This really is not about me, it is BPD!
It gives me hope.

I can completely relate and I sympathize with you.  One thing in my wife's case, she's in her mid 40's and possibly going through early menopause.  Her thyroid was also way off and started meds maybe 3 months before all hell broke loose.  I'm not a doctor but I'm wondering if natural changes in our bodies can take BPD to an entirely different level.

I'm hoping you don't have to pull the plug- just keep working on communication and try to find empathy.  Trust me, I know it's IMPOSSIBLE, so I don't recommend that lightly.  But it's really up to you if it's worth putting in the work or not.

Like you, I have a married adult daughter that my wife idolizes, but this separation has been incredibly rough on her and it's torn so many family relationships apart.  My kid asked me not to come to our family Thanksgiving because she didn't know how others would react...even though she really wanted me there.  At least you have other friends and family though, lean on them but at the same time, don't let them talk you out of a marriage because your wife is this, that, and the other thing.  Only you can decide that and the negativity doesn't help, it just complicates things.

Good luck man, we're both in the same boat and it's great to have online friends to relate with.

Thanks Pook075!

My family and friends have been supportive and not trying to badmouth my wife. My sister actually worked hard to talk to her and help her. My sister soon did not acknowledge her properly and was quickly disowned. I have been coping with this for decades and often times when she reaches her apex, she wants to move to another home or town. We choose a location and home together and within a year she can't take it anymore. I thought that moving and working with her issues with the home or location would appease her issues, but her issues are BPD and there is nothing that will give her peace.  We are on our 10th home and I am done moving. This included renting a home where we wanted to live, while still paying the mortgage on our perfectly good home where she now no longer wants to live. I love our home, location and job in our current location. I am done moving!

My wife is 63 and menopause was a challenge. She has gotten progressively worse ever since. I am struggling to see the light in the marriage, it is too painful. I am a Christian and do not believe in divorce; however, God does not condone abuse either. I am torn with all of this. I need to be realistic and stop hoping it will improve. I am 57 and can still have a peaceful life on the other side of this relationship. I will have to see how the next 30 to 60 days go.

This group has been very helpful to see that change is not likely, especially when she is in total denial that she has an issue. It is 1000% me and I am just not working at it, etc...

Thanks for not just saying to get out. Your words are truthful and are not taken lightly.

No problem at all, my friend.  I still have days where I'm like, "Run, you fool, run away as fast as you can!"  Then there are days filled with compassion for my wife and I want more than anything to make it work.  But like you said, it's just not up to me anymore.  I can be as loving and as kind as I want to be, but if she can't receive that then it's just not on me.

Thanks for the menopause advice too- I figured that could be a factor.

I can't imagine moving 10 times; that's quite the challenge.  My wife and I were looking for homes near the beach this past winter, but that changed when my kid and her husband became pregnant.  Then my wife insisted that we're staying, even though we had taken a 2nd mortgage to do home improvements before this.  I agreed.  She also had my kid's family move in a cabin behind us so our grandbaby would be right here, and then my wife left about 2 months later.  Now, my wife says she hates our house and she'll never return to it, and has convinced my daughter and her family to move out of the cabin.  So tons of course changes within a 6-9 month period, all of which hurt our family.

I wish you luck my friend, don't give up all hope!

I completely see the move and the grandbaby in the cabin behind as a great long term plan. I also understand the complete change of direction to sabotage what should have been a great arrangement. These major life changes that involve uprooting your home life and starting over with a new home and/or location are overwhelming! Our last series of moves have proven to me that it does not matter where we live, as long as the BPD is involved it will be unacceptable at some point in time.

Our daughter and family came to visit for Christmas this year and it was wonderful, as they live 1,200 miles away. I was able to talk to our daughter alone and share some of our challenges with her. Our daughter was the first one to identify my wife's BPD tendencies. She is surprised that I have stuck with her this long. Her and her husband have been looking for homes near them for my wife to move to! They would be supportive of my wife moving near them and establishing boundaries with her. My wife is the outlier in our extended family. My daughter has been encouraging me to live my life and that I should not have to live this way.

I am still waiting to see how this plays out.
 

I had a good Christmas as well, and I spent Christmas Eve at my wife's parents house.  She avoided me and only spoke to me once, but that's fine...I got to enjoy my extended family and watch all the kids open presents.  Christmas morning was my daughters, my son in law, and my grandson at my house- the wife refused to attend.  Again, that's fine.  She was invited by all of us and encouraged to participate.  Her loss- I'm sure it was really painful for her not to be here, even though she'd never admit it.

We're coming up on 5 months of separation and I'd still like to try and reconcile due to my faith, but it's going to have to be her that makes the next move.  I still reach out occasionally (via text or email) and she rarely replies, but I'm still kind and compassionate either way.  I see it as being in God's hands, either her heart will change or it won't.  I will be okay either way though and I'll always pray for her to get professional help.

I am glad you are doing ok. The holidays are a hard time. We are in the post holiday time and putting everything away for the season. We have been together soo long and have a routine that we continue. We talk about the plans for the coming year, as normal. It is still dysfunctional and the harsh treatment continues, with everything that I say, do or did not say or do. It is a minefield.

I am working on boundaries and what I will and will not tolerate anymore. I really would like this to work, but I know that I am just waiting for the abusive behavior to start up again. I will trust in God that he will guide me on what is supposed to happen. I have all the plans in place to execute a separation and it involves requesting that she get help for her issues or we will not be able to continue like this.

It is so hard to see glimpses of the person that I married in there and then the BPD monster takes over. I have to remind myself that I cannot trust her to be my partner, which is all I have ever wanted. I am painted as the enemy and the cause of all our issues. "If I would just prove to her that I care, everything would be great!" The problem is that there is nothing that will overcome her mindset that I do not care, so we will forever remain in this conflict state, unless she addresses her mindset!

I will pray for you and ask that you do the same.

I hear you and it's so darn tough- I'm sort of in the same boat where I want to wait things out and try to reconcile, but then I think about how I've waited this out for years and years.  Waiting can't fix it, only real change can.  And we can't force that change except in ourselves.  My advice would be to keep praying and focus on what you can do better, how you can be more compassionate, understanding and non-judgmental.

If I could go back and be in your position right now, I'd tell myself that it's critical to affirm her thoughts/feelings every chance you get. 

For instance, if she says something like 'You don't care  about me anymore', I'd reply, "I understand you feel that way and I want to have a deeper connection with you.  What can I do on my end?"

Notice I used "I understand, I want, what can I do"?  Keep your statements about you, not her.  It's so easy to pass blame and say stuff like, "You're the one who..."  Even though it may be true, it's counter-productive and only pushes you further apart.

I don't know if I mentioned it before, but I'm working through the book "Walking on Eggshells, 3rd Edition".  I read it years ago but it resonates with me a lot more today.  There's a ton of practical advice in there about diffusing tough situations, validating your partner without admitting fault, and just working through tough times.

I am definitely praying for you and your marriage!  Good luck, I'm on your side!

I have read walking on eggshells and setting boundaries. It is hard to walk the talk at times. It becomes so mind numbing that I feel like I am enabling her bad behavior. I have worked at the "I" statements and at some point the word YOU comes up and then it is all I have ever said to her...
The separation path forward is so messy and ugly. I am sure she would insist on a divorce and not just a separation.

My wife was completely stressed out about our daughter coming for the holidays, which caused frequent triggers. She did not believe that our daughter really wanted to visit, which was absurd.

Do you have any regrets on your choice to separate? Would you have done anything differently?

I hear you that affirming her is critical. It is hard to do at times.

I am still waiting for the shoe to drop, any day now.

In my case, my wife left out of nowhere, threw out a bunch of "You never..." statements, then just completely gave up on our marriage.  I believe she has the BPD type where it's mostly inward, and I realize that she was probably thinking about leaving for months or even years.  And she has no idea at all that her own self-doubt caused her to feel neglected and to give up.  She literally went through our separation in her head, while we did things together daily, without saying a word.

Do I have regrets?  That's really hard to answer, but I don't think so.  I treated her lovingly since the breakup and she did not receive it well.  However, I didn't validate her feelings like we're taught because I had no idea it was BPD, I had no idea that it's been in our 24 year marriage the entire time.  But I see it now, all the times she felt rejected over trivial things, all the times she started arguments and started swinging on me...it was always there.

I still miss our marriage and I really miss her family...my brothers, my wife's parents, and nieces especially.  They all still love me but we rarely talk to placate my wife, they can't be traitors.  But at the same time, I don't miss feeling alone half the time while my wife's sitting right beside me in bed.  I don't miss her mood swings or her disappearing with her family every weekend after we already had plans.  

Most of all, I don't miss not feeling loved because she's going thru something and thinking it's okay just to shut me out for a day, a week, a month.

Because of my faith, I would still try to reconcile wit her...but the marriage would have to work for both of us.  That means counseling, being way more open, not shutting down at the first sign of problems, etc.  And as much as I'd love to imagine we could get there, I just don't know.  I've given it to God.

What I'd do differently- that's super tough too.  I had no idea this was BPD so I had no idea about affirming my wife's statements, loving her in a different way, etc.  Personally, I couldn't do anything different because I didn't know, but you certainly can now.  

One thing that jumped out for me in Walking on Eggshells is that pwBPD think through emotion, not logic.  So when you see your wife's emotions going sideways, you can choose to validate/understanding her feelings, without focusing on the actual accusation at first.  By doing that, the argument shifts from "you did this...no I didn't...yes you did!" to "I understand you're hurt, can you tell me why you feel that way?"  That's engaging them on their level, you talk out the emotions first, how they got to where they are, and it often disarms the anger so you can actually say, "That wasn't my intention, I did this because of that and I feel like that's okay."

In other words, when they go from 0 to 100 in a millisecond, the goal is to focus on getting their emotions down to 70, 50, or less before dealing with whatever triggered them.  Their perceived problem isn't your wife's accusation.  The real problem is them going from 0 to 100 in a millisecond, so your job is to empathize with their feelings and build a stronger connection in that moment.

For me, it's been 5 months separated and probably 2 months since our last real conversation.  I'm going to go no contact from here on out and see if that makes a difference.  Other than that, I'll just keep praying for her and loving our/her family as much as I can.  Hope that helps!

Wow, my wife is completely outward in her BPD. I am not sure which is worse.

Validation is not enough. She demands that I agree with her on her accusation. It is not a matter of understanding each other and the "argument", it is that I do not admit that I am wrong, when I am wrong. I am expected to own that I am wrong, apologize and make sure it does not happen again. I am always wrong and do not admit it.
There is no possible way to logically discuss the issue.

It is easy to recognize the BPD monster was there the whole time. I did not know what it was until about 5 years ago. I have worked hard at implementing the validation approach for years; however, it is becoming less and less effective. I am actually getting worn out doing it, as it can take hours to achieve even a small level of acknowledgement. Any explanation of the thought process in our discussions is called an excuse. There is no discussion possible. Events, such as birthdays, holidays and mother's day are the worst. She has managed to ruin most special days with some type of meltdown. It is good you do not have regrets, as you should not. It is a mental health issue and all the better choices we can make in our relationship should not define the relationship. Thus the walking on eggshells feeling. I do not regret anything, as I do the best that I can in every situation.

It is not possible to separate the accusation from the feeling. The feeling is justified because of the accusation. "Anyone would feel that way". The disconnect with reality is in lockstep with the justification for the feeling. I can only agree/acknowledge the accusation and the feeling cannot be discussed. If I was able to divide the two, I would have hope. That is the hopeless part of my situation. It will never be different, because we are unable to have a discussion, only ownership and remorse.

It does help to talk it out. I will pray for you and your wife, as well. I need to have boundaries and then act on the boundaries.

Thanks Eng, I'm praying for you guys as well.  I wish I had a better answer for you, but I don't know if that answer exists.  Like you said, boundaries are essential.  In my wife's case, most of what she's mad about happened 15-20 years ago- I didn't do this, I didn't do that.  And in those isolated incidents, I was absolutely wrong.  I've always owned up to that and honestly, I had forgotten about it.  That's where she's living in her mind though, the worst things I did in 24 years.  And like you said in an earlier post, she was torturing herself by living in those moments instead of focusing on what we have (or had) today.

I'm curious, have you tried counseling with a specialist that works with BPD patients?  That could be a huge resource in helping you find next steps. 

I hear you. Our arguments cycle through the past 30 years of everything that I have ever done wrong. She lives in the negative moments and then follows it with "You are still the same person". The conversation is over (boundary), as she then expects an apology and acknowledgement from the incident in 1994, like it just happened. It is wearing me out to even be around her when she is splitting.

We have been to 5 different counselors over the years. The last Psychologist informed me that my wife likely has BPD, although no testing was performed. She went on to tell me that our relationship will last as long as I can stand it. My wife will never change without intervention or working on her issues, which she will not.

It is very sad to know what marriage could be and it just is not. I do not want to be in the same place 5 years from now. I do not want to be where I am now, as I thought 5 years ago. This will never change and I have to come to terms with it.

I am just praying for clear direction on what to do and when to do it. I am tired of not being settled. Interestingly, I am thinking about things to do with the house, when she is not in it. I am prepared to buy her out of her half of the house. I am done moving!

WOW this is exactly what my H would do to me. Demanding apologies of things I didn't do. It was wild and something I'd never seen before him.

For me personally, I had a "God moment" about a week after my wife left.  Won't go into detail here but it basically changed my moral compass and helped me release so much stress, worry, etc. from my life.  And for the first few months after that, all I could focus on was "What will get my wife back home so we can fix this?"

That was the wrong question though, and it's become very clear over time that what I should have been asking myself is, "What really matters in my life outside of a relationship?"  Once I started focusing on my mental and physical health, I realized that I had so much free time and so much clarity on being the person I used to be.  That was such a breakthrough...I hadn't been myself for years because everything was about appeasing my wife and helping her deal with her stuff. 

All I can tell you is that you're still trapped where I was because you're valuing the relationship more than yourself.  That feels so right...our spouses are everything to us...but YOU have to come first.  And that doesn't mean your marriage is over.  It just means you have to figure out what actually matters to you outside of the chaos that you're currently in.  I'm not saying to leave or anything like that, but it could be healthy to take a step or two back and look at who you want to be in life. 

You said that you have a great family support system- maybe crash on a couch for a few days/weeks with limited communication.  That might help you to find your boundaries and at least form a plan of what's acceptable/what's not. 

It's a tough ride no matter what you do, but remember- you always come 1st.  The kids come 2nd.  You have to come first so you can be the best possible dad, one that's happy, focused, and centered.  Make sense?

A rational mind can't comprehend the thought process. There is no way to talk it out. If I do not understand what she is saying, then I am not listening! If she does not understand what I am saying, then I am not giving her all the words. All misunderstanding or miscommunication is my fault.

Did your relationship survive?

I am trapped in valuing the relationship in that God values the relationship. I have to understand that God does not intend us to tolerate abuse. I have lost a lot of who I am and do not want to continue this way. I have spent so much energy managing my wife's emotions that it is exhausting figuring out how she will react to every situation. You are right, I need to take care of myself. My family is telling me the same thing. I have done all that I can do and it will not get better.

I left a year ago for 10 days and stayed at a friends with no communication for 7 days. We made agreements on how we would move forward and it lasted about a month. She weaponized my list of things to do and never looked at her list again.

I live where I want to live and work where I am happy and the rest is all what I need to pursue.

This is a GREAT discussion.

People in our positions feel alone.. I would imagine. I know I do. Course we weren't married, but hell... it felt like it. I love her so much and want to just help her or take it away. The big common theme I see amongst 'us' is.. we miss that person that we initially fell in love with, and we're all searching for answers.

I know I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it.

The bold part clicked for me last month- abuse is not just getting hit.  Heck, my wife used to hit me all the time when she got angry, and it really didn't hurt.  Her shutting me out then randomly screaming at me out of nowhere...that hurt quite a bit.  Abuse is abuse and we're not meant to just take it.

I can't tell you what to do man, each of us is on our own journey, but part of making boundaries is standing by them.  We tell our kids, "Clean your room and we'll go get ice cream tonight."  If they don't clean their room...what do you do?  If they get ice cream anyway, then you're training them that your rules don't matter. 

It's the same with BPD; you set boundaries and they're going to push back.  And if you ignore your own boundaries, then it goes from a learning opportunity for healing to an empty ultimatum that's not worth paying attention to.  So again, I can't tell you to leave/stay/whatever, but I can say that once you draw a line in the sand, it's your line to stand on and defend.

I would guess almost every person on this site would agree.  Just remember, it's not you...this is not a 'you thing'.  But you can focus on yourself and become the best version of you possible.  That benefits you whether the relationship works out or not.

I have been steadily pulling in the boundaries. The conversation will end when it becomes derogatory, at which point I exit the conversation. If ANY type of physical abuse occurs, then I am leaving, no question. We cannot continue this way and I need to face it. This is no way to live and I need to live in peace.

ENG89 wrote, "I am trapped in valuing the relationship in that God values the relationship. I have to understand that God does not intend us to tolerate abuse."

A friend shared this with me yesterday, and I would like to re-share it here as it may be relevant if you are Christian -- if you are of another faith, my apologies.

My wife is a lifetime believer that's grown up in the church, but her faith was definitely put to the side leading up to and throughout our separation.  I've struggled with that pretty hard but ultimately came to the same conclusion as your friend; my wife was highly abusive then walked away, so I have to let her go. 

For now, it's in God's hands and I trust His guidance. 

What I can tell you is that none of us are meant to be sad, broken, confused, etc. while our spouse reaps havoc all around us...that's definitely not His plan for anyone.  I don't know if that means the covenant doesn't apply or never applied, because we were in love when we married 24 years ago and we did praise God together.  But we haven't done that for many years (both our faults) and we let tragedy in our lives (death of my parents, a BPD child, etc.) move our focus to worldly things.

Just be careful saying our marriages never fell under the covenant; I'm pretty sure that's untrue.  God wants us all to be happy and obedient, but the 'free will' part can easily throw a wrench into that plan.  Every marriage is different so we can't generalize.

I chose to leave and divorce my H. I was a shell of myself and my mental health really suffered. For me, it was best to leave as the abuse was continuing to get worse.

I feel healthy again and on my way to healing as it's been almost 5 months NC and the divorce is being finalized.

I will emphasize that for each person on here it is a different situation. I realized I needed to leave to become healthy again and prioritize myself. There was no helping him. That may not be the case for you or others on the board.

Whatever your situation, we are all here to listen and I've found so much solace in a community that understands what I was/am going through.

Thanks for sharing. I know after 32 years of trying that I can't help my wife. I am trying to wrap my mind around an exit strategy. It has gone on soo long. I am not the person that I was before her. It is very sad to lose the partial partner that has all the history we have together. I need to remember that much of it was bad history, but still it is an entire life together.

It would be a complete isolation, as my family and friends are thousands of miles away. I am looking forward to making friends and growing in ways that I am unable to now. My wife shuts out everyone and makes couples friends impossible.

I know I am just waiting for the final straw, catalyst to make me take the leap. It is only a matter of time. I still struggle with the biblical aspect of marriage. I would pursue a legal separation, but I am sure my wife would push to divorce.  She is heavily in the get away from me/don't leave me mode. This is so confusing on what is right.

I too struggle with the concept of the covenant was not there. I made the commitment and the covenant with my vows. It is a marriage. We were not saved when we got married, that happened 8 years later. There is so much in my wife's behavior, responses and attitudes on life that do not align with God and being saved. I do not know how to wrap my mind around that. I think the only correct biblical approach is to legally separate. That being said, my wife will likely push to just divorce. If she changes the goal to divorce, then it is not me that is pursuing the divorce. I feel that falls in the unequally yoked aspect. That does not make it right, but I feel that I am honoring God, as best I can in the situation.

My patience and tolerance for really bad behavior is waning. 

Divorce is allowed by the Bible; however, remarriage is not [unless your partner dies, or is an unbeliever and divorces you].  1 Cor 7:10-16  I think this passage is pretty clear to me.  

So, if your partner divorces you, they are an unbeliever (since a believer should not divorce), so you are free to remarry.

However, if you choose to divorce your partner, you are not allowed to remarry, until your partner dies [not of your doing].

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I also have found the following book extremely helpful in managing the borderline behaviors:

"Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life"
by Margalis Fjelstad

I went through the exact same thing- my wife left and stated that she'd divorce me as soon as she legally could (1 year).  I fought that for months and did everything possible to reconcile, but now I'm at the point where I have to give it to God.  If her heart doesn't change, that is God telling me something.

In your case, why do you want to separate?  Really think about that because you've said multiple times, if you separate, she'll file for divorce.  Don't let your perception of what she might do influence what you'll do.  Trust in God. 

Yesterday was really tough for me and my wife was on my mind almost the entire day.  Then I woke up this morning thinking about how we could talk this out and fix everything if she'd just be an adult.  But that's doing the same thing you're doing, trying to predict what would happen and playing the "what if" game. 

God doesn't do "what ifs", He has a plan for all of us and it doesn't include spousal abuse.  Do everything you can to work thru things while at home but if you need to step away for a bit, it has to be for you and no other reason.  Trust in your faith regardless though and keep praying for guidance.  It will come...or maybe it's already there but you're not ready to receive it.