BPDFamily.com

My relationship with my mother has been contentious since I can remember... only recently did I start doing some digging to figure out what the deeper issue is. I stumbled on upon this article "11 subtle signs your mom might have BDP" and it raised a lot of red flags for me.

The easiest way to describe my relationship with her is hot and cold. One minute she's loving and generous and understanding and the next she's screaming at me telling me how ungrateful I am and that I never do anything for her. This has been a constant cycle for as long as I can remember. I'm 31 now and its been happening since middle school. Probably longer but it's likely I just don't remember. As an adolescent I avoided being at home as much as possible to avoid being around her. Didn't need her screaming at me, or telling me I looked fat or that I had pimples. She's always been very critical (still is).

It was always someone or something. Her parents, my dad, her friends, the neighbors, my brother, me, etc. Always someone or something to complain about. It feels like I'm constantly waiting for the next wave and never know which version of her I'm going to get. No matter how much I try not to engage, somehow we always end up in screaming matches and its not the relationship I want with her. I'm still hearing about things I did 15 years ago... it drives me insane. I cant change the past.

I'm over bring guilt tripped and trying to "mother" her. She had to mother her mom and I think she expects me to the same. Now I fear I'm starting to see some of these toxic traits in myself... I don't want to be yelling at my husband over stupid stuff all of the time like my mom was...

How do I break the cycle and help her without pulling myself in deeper?

Any advice much appreciated!

Welcome! :hi:

First of all I would like to say congratulations for seeing the light.   :wee: Well done! As you begin to address the problematic relationship with your mother you will probably find that you will automatically stop yelling at your husband quite so much.  :)

The first step I recommend is to promptly resign from your “job” as your mother’s surrogate mother. Yes, this will come as a huge shock for her, but you can do this nicely by briefly empathizing with her about what she’s struggling with and then telling her that you haven’t the slightest idea of how to be helpful but that you trust that she will be able to figure it out, and then you change the subject. You could also say something like, “Gosh Mom, that sure sounds hard. What are you planning on doing about it?” (For more about this I highly recommend the books, The Dance of Anger and The Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner.)

If you find it exceptionally challenging to stop playing your old role, as it is for many of us, then I recommend looking for a therapist who specializes in addictions, as weird as that may sound, or a systems trained therapist. I also recommend checking out some Al-Anon meetings in your area.

You might find Bethany Webster to be a helpful resource too: https://www.bethanywebster.com/blog/mothers-pain/

Best wishes to you as you embark on this adventure!

Welcome! :hi:

First of all I would like to say congratulations for seeing the light.   :wee: Well done! As you begin to address the problematic relationship with your mother you will probably find that you will automatically stop yelling at your husband quite so much.  :)

The first step I recommend is to promptly resign from your “job” as your mother’s surrogate mother. Yes, this will come as a huge shock for her, but you can do this nicely by briefly empathizing with her about what she’s struggling with and then telling her that you haven’t the slightest idea of how to be helpful but that you trust that she will be able to figure it out, and then you change the subject. You could also say something like, “Gosh Mom, that sure sounds hard. What are you planning on doing about it?” (For more about this I highly recommend the books, The Dance of Anger and The Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner.)

If you find it exceptionally challenging to stop playing your old role, as it is for many of us, then I recommend looking for a counselor who specializes in addictions, as weird as that may sound, or a systems trained counselor. I also recommend checking out some Al-Anon meetings in your area.

You might find Bethany Webster to be a helpful resource too: https://www.bethanywebster.com/blog/mothers-pain/

Best wishes to you as you embark on this adventure!

I can relate to being afraid of "acting like my mother"

A couple of things: One is that when I got upset with my H, I was quick to assume it had to be me that was the problem. That is how I grew up, we were blamed and assumed blame for any conflict with BPD mother. As time went on, I understood this was a combination of both of us but we can only work on our parts - not someone else.

Growing up with a BPD mother, there was enough to work on but it isn't BPD. Actually, the behaviors that caused most problems for me were the enabling ones I learned from observing my father. In my family, I assumed he was the "normal" one, but what happened is that co-dependent and enabling behaviors appeared as normal by comparison to BPD mother's behaviors. That is what I had to work on.

We learn certain behaviors growing up that are functional in our families of origin- so that we can manage in that family structure. As adults when we leave home and have relationships- these behaviors are not functional. But if we learned them, we can unlearn them and learn new ones.

I also felt obligated to be my mother's emotional caretaker- that was all our roles in the family. Chances are, you are bringing this kind of feeling and behavior into your marriage. It may feel "normal" to you. Your H also brought his own issues into the marriage but that part is on him to work on, if and when he chooses to ( or not) . The best step for me was to work on "my part" and unlearn behaviors that were causing issues for me in all relationships. It's not required for anyone else to do their part for you to do yours, and it makes a difference.

How do I help her without sacrificing myself?

I don’t think there’s a way, if you mean “help” in the traditional sense.

If one thinks about it logically, this is a disease that is incredibly challenging for psychs to treat, so it’s unlikely we will be able to.

I can relate. My mom had to stay home from school to care for her dying mom when she was 14.  It was the better part of a year. 

I had to return to work out of retirement to save myself from what she expected of me.  It’s been close to a year, and now I resent having to work instead of doing the things I want to do in retirement. 

I do not believe it is up to us to help them if they are unwilling to help themselves, but just keep spewing their toxic bile on us (be it witch, queen, waif or hermit).

Save yourself.

I’m double your age, and spent my life trying to do the right thing by her which was mother her.  Now that she’s old and ailing, all of that is completely forgotten.  I have spent the last 3 years emotionally detaching. 

I hope you don’t live close to her.  For me, it’s torture, and nobody she knows sees that.  She lies to suit her narratives and victim perspective.

My advice is to focus on how to save yourself.

I read this somewhere and found it helpful:

You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

Be well and take care of yourself.

T

Reading this string of posts has helped me so much tonight...I just joined the site tonight.  I was in such despair after my disastrous Christmas with my family.  I started to wonder if I am the crazy one because my Mom twists everything, so that she accuses me of what she just said or did.  I read a host of behaviors that sound just like my Mom.  I read about someone having to go back to work out of retirement to recover, and I read, "You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm."

I am still working and my Mom interferes in my life so much, that sometimes I end up taking time off work just to stop her complaining and pressure to do things for her that are not urgent. Then, I find myself up all hours of the night trying to catch up on my work. She is so critical and demanding and nothing I ever do or ever will do is good enough. 

I also read someone saying that their BPD Mom criticizes her body...my Mom has been body shaming me since I was a  little girl and I am now old.

I felt so alone ... and I feel that there are people on this site who understand my story.

Hi "Seeing the Light."  When I read your post, it could have been written by me. I related to every single thing you wrote.  My relationship with my mother is just like that.

Someone above posted, "I hope you don’t live close to her.  For me, it’s torture, and nobody she knows sees that.  She lies to suit her narratives and victim perspective."  My Mom does that, too.  She tells all her neighbours and friends that I do nothing for her and she's alone and abandoned, yet I take her shopping every week, drive her to her appointments, take her to lunch, have taken her on some short weekend and day trips, help her with all kinds of things...but she can't acknowledge that.

She also lies to my brother, who is our only other family member, and he believes her and not me, which is confusing.  He lives far away, so I don't think he knows how much her behavior has escalated in the last few years.

So worn down and exhausted from all the drama.

Seeingthelight,

How are you doing?