BPDFamily.com

Hi there everyone,
I'm at my wits end and I don't know what else to do, so I'm giving this a try and hope I get some feedback..

I'm 27 and my boyfriend of officially 2 years (also 27) has multiple diagnosis: clinical depression, anxiety, bipolar and now I'm convinced he has borderline personality disorder. For background on me, I'm Latina. I come from a big, loving, close knit family who pretty much always celebrates holidays together. I'm not well off financially. I work multiple jobs basically everyday. My bf was adopted, has a small white family, who don't really do much for the holidays and they aren't terribly affectionate. His dad passed away in May. My bf's family is pretty well off but he himself doesn't have a job because he quit a few months ago. His mom pays his portion of the rent. Before my bf, I had been in a long term abusive relationship. I've also been sexually assaulted before. I have functioning depression, anxiety and PTSD. I used to take meds for them but I lost the health insurance that covered it and never went back on them. I met my bf back when I was in the 8th grade. We had liked each other, nothing ever happened and then we lost touch in high school. We we ended up reconnecting in Dec 2019. When we first began dating, he didn't want anything serious which was fine with me but he was very emotionally distant. Eventually we got serious and became official and that was when I started to see issues arise. He's a functioning alcoholic and he's been prescribed medical marijuana. He's adopted but found out his birth mother/family said some awful things about him which really messed him up. He admitted to wanting to die/kill himself multiple times; told me he'd been to rehab in the past and had been to the hospital from suicide attempts. He was doing better and after a point, we decided he'd move into my apartment. We don't share a room because we felt it'd be healthier for now to have our own spaces. But since then, I feel our relationship deteriorating. I feel I'm constantly walking on eggshells and trying to protect/ diffuse situations or minor things so he doesn't blow up and start yelling at people or myself. I can't go to anyone because I think if people saw how he speaks to me when he's angry or heard some of the things he says when he's upset, they'd tell me to leave him which I'm not ready to do. I find myself hiding stuff from other people to avoid judgment and trying my best to not react to hurtful things he says. Now, his dad passed away in May and it has made everything 10x harder... He constantly says I'm not helping him, that if he commits suicide, it's because I didn't do enough.. That I'm useless in his life and what's the point of me being here if I can't help him the way he needs to be helped. I have no idea how to do that. I've tried so many things.. I've read so many articles to try to help me better navigate arguments/ attacks and I more or less try to do everything except I need to work on not being as defensive.. Regardless, I came to the conclusion (and told him as much) that nothing I ever say or do will ever be good enough for him. He agreed but then told me I need to figure it out because he can't tell me what'll work but that I have to do more trial and error even if it means him getting more angry. My anxiety is always through the roof and I feel really isolated and alone. He recently started taking Lithium as a mood stabilizer but he's also now in denial that he has borderline..
The most recent problem now, was Christmas Eve/Day. He originally was going to go to my family's house (my family always tries to include him and make him feel like part of the family) but then he said his tooth was hurting (he thinks he needs a root canal) and that he hates Christmas anyways so PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) my family and PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) my family traditions. That he didn't care if my family loves him or cares about him, he doesn't want to be included any longer. He then told me I should stay home with him even though he didn't want me here so I could show I support him but told me he'd resent me if I stayed. Then he told me if I chose my family, he'd resent me anyways. So either way, I lose. I told him I was sorry to hear that he wanted to stay him, I hope he felt better, if he needed anything let me know and then I asked him what he wanted to do about his gifts to my family since I knew all my immediate family members and their significant others got him gifts... he got super angry at me and called me shallow for "caring about gifts more than his feelings.." and told me he'll never celebrate Christmas again in the future. I tried to say I could come home early Christmas Eve but he said no, don't bother. I asked twice and he insisted. I ultimately chose spending Christmas with my family and didn't come home till evening Christmas Day. Then he told me I PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ed up again because I should have come home early but that as usual, I didn't help him, he can't rely on me nor did I care to fight him on it.. So he says he won't forgive me. He's refusing to open any of the Christmas gifts that I and my family got him and stated he can move out and PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) me over for our lease if he wants (I can't afford to live here on my own). Now he wants to break up because he feels I don't ever help him. I don't want to give up because then it feeds into his notion that everyone abandons him and he's worthless.
According to his friends and everyone I know, everyone sees how much I do for him and how much I try to help. Is there anything else I can try or should I just give up for my own mental health?

Hi ashcash95, so glad you reached out for some support -- Christmas sounded really stressful for you, so I'm glad you're here, with people who definitely understand what you're going through.

A theme that stood out to me in your post was "lose-lose situation". Your BF does seem to have some pretty distorted lenses on for how he views relationships -- lots of "you can either choose me or them" scenarios, and "heads I win, tails you lose" setups, where if you try hard, it's not enough, and somehow it's also hurtful if you don't try.

ashcash95, you strike me as a caring, supportive person. You really want to help, and be loving. Maybe it hurts if others, like your BF, perceive and label you as "not doing enough", "not caring enough", or "not supporting enough"?

A huge part of being in a relationship with a pwBPD is knowing that a core part of the disorder is having distorted perceptions of relationships, emotions, and intentions. The distorted thinking is something that only the person wBPD can work on in therapy; nobody else can ever "do" anything "good enough", "right enough", "enough enough" to change the pwBPD.

So that leaves us in an uncomfortable place. The pwBPD in our lives may say incredibly emotionally convincing things to us, and if we lose sight of the fact that it's a person coping with a deeply perception-distorting disorder, we can end up beliving what our loved ones say... even if it isn't true.

One way to manage relating to a pwBPD is through the idea of radical acceptance (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0). It doesn't mean accepting that, for example, how your BF treats you is good or okay. It means accepting -- this is who he is right now. He is a person who struggles with BPD and therefore blames and puts responsibility for his feelings on others. That is who he is right now, even if he should be getting help, should be working on himself, and should recognize what you do for him.

A corrollary that comes to mind as we talk about RA is having a strong sense of self. It's so easy to believe what a pwBPD tells us -- they can be very convincing, and we might be predisposed to doubt ourselves. However, even though it's true that they are saying those things right now, that doesn't make the content of what they say true.

Imagine someone calling you a space robot from Mars. That's pretty easy to dismiss out of hand, because you know yourself, and what others call you doesn't define you.

However, it gets harder when a loved one says "You're just selfish, all you care about is you, and I'm dying over here. You don't care about me at all; if you did, you'd stay home at Christmas". That has emotional weight. In a way, though, it's the same situation as "space robot from Mars" -- you can have the strength and self-knowledge to tell yourself, "No matter what anyone else thinks, I know me, and I know I care, and that's good enough for me".

This is difficult stuff to put together -- the RA and the not letting other's statements define us.

So I'll hit the brakes for now and give you a chance to check out that link (and any others in our Tools and skills workshops (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0) section that look helpful). Let us know your thoughts and how you guys have been doing lately;

kells76

I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you are actually powerless to help him shift out of this mindset. It is a very deeply held belief of his, and your love for him will not cure him of it. Even if you stay with him until his dying day, unless he is willing to do the hard work in long-term therapy, he will always believe that everyone abandons him and that he is worthless. I'm so very sorry.

ashcash95, not sure if you've had time to poke around the boards here, but we have a section on "Tools and Skills" (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0) that has a workshop on Being an Emotional Caregiver (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=173897.0). One quotation that stood out to me there was this one:


I wonder if any of that, or the rest of the workshop, is relatable to you?

-kells76